The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[SpideyVille]

I'm pretty sure me and "my girlfriend" won't be together by the end of the month.

I start a new full time job on Monday and she is leaving to go upstate for a few singing shows this weekend. Her mom is pretty strict and controlling with her so I'm not planning to see her after work unless I take a long trip to her place and then another long trip back home after work. Next weekend, she's going to Jersey for a couple of shows and then she's possibly doing an audition for a short film on Sunday and then a few days later she's going on a 9 day cruise with her mother and won't be back until her next show, which I said I'd go to on the 22nd. We had plans to see each other yesterday but she was too exhausted from recording the night before, and she forgot she had a show on Sunday so those plans were cancelled. So I'm probably not going to see her for the next 3 weeks.

She's been very quiet about a lot of things and I feel like her agent telling her that she needed to deny having a boyfriend so that she wouldn't get stalkers and so that I wouldn't get harassed really got to her, and her finding out she got expelled from school a couple of weeks back really put her in a place of trying to live in denial that she failed at something she wanted. I feel like we haven't been connecting or communicating much to begin with, but definitely not now, and I just don't know what to do anymore. Part of me feels like it is a combo of ADHD and BiPolar, but she refuses to accept that she has serious mood swings whenever she is upset slightly.

I'm really at a point where I don't see us lasting long, which is a shame because I know being unemployed has made me a crappy boyfriend, but now I'm finally capable of doing better and she seems to be backing away.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

You sound like you think it's noble, and those who don't wait are lesser men and women with weak characters

At the end of the day, your feelings about sex are a personal preference.

If you believe sex is sacred and should only be done in certain circumstances that's fine, but it's no different than eating kosher/halal food and shunning mcdonalds to me... there's a bit of will power involved in terms of not joining in with what your friends/most people do, but it's doesn't make you a better person.

When I was saying no to sex before love (up until 20) I never felt it took will power tbh, because it was just natural to me. Saying no was easy and in a lot of ways less scary than actually diving into that pool.

No trying to be offensive and I respect your opinion, but for me I have way more respect for a woman that waited in comparision to the woman that intentionally got wasted at a bar and got naked for the first dude she saw.

 

[moviedoors]

When I was saying no to sex before love (up until 20) I never felt it took will power tbh, because it was just natural to me. Saying no was easy and in a lot of ways less scary than actually diving into that pool.

Great point. Like I've said, I was 25, and it did not take willpower to stay a virgin. Not getting laid is easy. Getting over my self-esteem issues and finally making it happen took willpower.

 

[Erzengel]

No trying to be offensive and I respect your opinion, but for me I have way more respect for a woman that waited in comparision to the woman that intentionally got wasted at a bar and got naked for the first dude she saw.

I'm curious where these bars are.

 

[Schlosser85]

No trying to be offensive and I respect your opinion, but for me I have way more respect for a woman that waited in comparision to the woman that intentionally got wasted at a bar and got naked for the first dude she saw.

You do realize just because someone has had sex before marriage doesn't she will have sex with any random stranger, right?

 

[Erzengel]

I'm pretty sure me and "my girlfriend" won't be together by the end of the month.

I start a new full time job on Monday and she is leaving to go upstate for a few singing shows this weekend. Her mom is pretty strict and controlling with her so I'm not planning to see her after work unless I take a long trip to her place and then another long trip back home after work. Next weekend, she's going to Jersey for a couple of shows and then she's possibly doing an audition for a short film on Sunday and then a few days later she's going on a 9 day cruise with her mother and won't be back until her next show, which I said I'd go to on the 22nd. We had plans to see each other yesterday but she was too exhausted from recording the night before, and she forgot she had a show on Sunday so those plans were cancelled. So I'm probably not going to see her for the next 3 weeks.

She's been very quiet about a lot of things and I feel like her agent telling her that she needed to deny having a boyfriend so that she wouldn't get stalkers and so that I wouldn't get harassed really got to her, and her finding out she got expelled from school a couple of weeks back really put her in a place of trying to live in denial that she failed at something she wanted. I feel like we haven't been connecting or communicating much to begin with, but definitely not now, and I just don't know what to do anymore. Part of me feels like it is a combo of ADHD and BiPolar, but she refuses to accept that she has serious mood swings whenever she is upset slightly.

I'm really at a point where I don't see us lasting long, which is a shame because I know being unemployed has made me a crappy boyfriend, but now I'm finally capable of doing better and she seems to be backing away.

If you're not happy and you're not communicating, and she has to lie about having a boyfriend doesn't sound like the best relationship. I mean it's easy to back out, but if you honestly have actively tried and tried and try and she's not making an effort, that's also a bad sign. Lastly, this seems to be ongoing and maybe dating each other is not the best thing right now for the 2 of you.

 

[Lord DeathMan]

I lost mine at 20 and my whole teens I thought it was a huge deal I hadn't lost it yet because I was the only one of my friends who hadn't.

But honestly, I don't think anyone gave two hoots... it was me who had it in my head people judged me for it.

I think people's judgement may start to actually exist the older you get, but I still think every situation is judged based on the person and their reasons.

I mean, if you're a virgin for religious reasons, it'd be a red flag for me... but not BECAUSE your a virgin... just because you're highly religious and that's a turn off for me.

Or if you're a virgin because you simply aren't confident enough socially to have ever succeeded in that department, it'd be a red flag... but not BECAUSE your a virgin... just because you're not socially confident, and that's a turn off for me.

But if a guy who hit all the right buttons for me revealed he was a virgin, and it was simply a case of him valuing sex and never quite having felt that connection with someone was strong enough for him... it wouldn't matter at all. In fact for some girls, i'd say that would be a turn on.

Though honestly, the pessimist in me would probably think it was a move



Or you're frigid/a prude, don't forget about that lovely classification!

I'm confused on the whole importance of the virgin aspect. I am one and have been and I'm 25. Does it make a difference in the overall relationship? I know for a fact that some women do find it hilarious when you have little to no relationship experience.

I mean I dated when I was in middle school but honestly, who counts that?

 

[Anita18]

I'm confused on the whole importance of the virgin aspect. I am one and have been and I'm 25. Does it make a difference in the overall relationship? I know for a fact that some women do find it hilarious when you have little to no relationship experience.

I mean I dated when I was in middle school but honestly, who counts that?

People assume that if you've never had sex, you are automatically bad at it. As if it were a skill one could be improve as if another person wasn't involved at all.

But no, relationships have to do with compatibility, not experience. The only requirement is to be able to listen to someone and not be a jerk.

 

[moviedoors]

People assume that if you've never had sex, you are automatically bad at it.

The woman I lost my virginity to never knew I was virgin at the time. We clicked well enough that even my first time out, the sex was great. Granted, I'm way better at it know.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

You do realize just because someone has had sex before marriage doesn't she will have sex with any random stranger, right?

I am talking about people that go to bars and nightclubs with the intent to have a one night stand, hook up or whatever people want to call it just because they are in the mood or feel that need to discover their sexuality by sleeping around. I just don't buy into that it all, but once again that's just me.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

I'm curious where these bars are.

There are plenty of people like that any any bar and club. It's not to hard to find them really lol.

 

[Erzengel]

So you frequent a lot of bars and clubs?

 

[Anita18]

I also want to know the kinds of social circle ShadowBoxer has. All of the friends I have who have slept with multiple people are serial monogamists, as Erz described before. They date one person at a time, they break up, they move on.

I certainly don't have any female friends who go to bars or clubs to get picked up by drunk guys. They have some sense of self-preservation. And I'm an agnostic who hangs out with agnostics and atheists. Has nothing to do with religion.

 

[the last son]

I'm thinking maybe if you go to a bar 30 minutes before closing is when people might hook up, but I've been to a few in my younger days hoping to hook up and nothing. Not interested in that now. You will end up being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

 

[Spider-Fan83]

The last time I had sex, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was playing in the background.

Either that was six years ago or it must have been during a monthly ABC Family Potter marathon. I'm hoping it was the latter since there was one last weekend.

ya, unless your saying you did it in the theater with Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince playing in the background, that does really mean anything

but on side note, any girl who will still be with you when you suggest watching harry potter together (or was it her request?) is pretty cool

 

[BrollySupersj]

Have any of you guys or girls get crushes on people you know you just couldn't get with. Be it because they're taken, or they only like you as friends, etc.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah that's pretty typical. I think everyone has experienced unrequited love before.

 

[Spider-Fan83]

I have really poor self esteem, I never really think any girl is or would be interested in me, to the point of not even notice when a girl is actually into me (not really good at reading signs and such either)

I've missed out on a lot of opportunity that way, where I find out after the fact (once their no long available) that they were interested and waiting for me to make a move

basically the only times I've got the girl, was when she pursued me

you can't be subtle with me, it pretty much takes the girl forcing her self on me, for me actually realize she is into me (which has happened more then you'd think) but, oddly enough didn't really change my self esteem

 

[Schlosser85]

Have any of you guys or girls get crushes on people you know you just couldn't get with. Be it because they're taken, or they only like you as friends, etc.

Yup. It really sucks.

 

[AF3619]

I have really poor self esteem, I never really think any girl is or would be interested in me, to the point of not even notice when a girl is actually into me (not really good at reading signs and such either)

I've missed out on a lot of opportunity that way, where I find out after the fact (once their no long available) that they were interested and waiting for me to make a move

basically the only times I've got the girl, was when she pursued me

you can't be subtle with me, it pretty much takes the girl forcing her self on me, for me actually realize she is into me (which has happened more then you'd think) but, oddly enough didn't really change my self esteem

The same happened/happens to me, sometimes i think i see it but i tell myself "they are just beeing polite" or "she is just making small talk"
but when i talk to a girl i like i go almost blank in my mind, i start to get nervous and even if i´m trying to make a conversation i quickly run out of topics to talk about, i feel disconected to the world (i can´t tell when they are flirting) and sometimes i´m really direct, i can´t talk to people because i look to other way when i´m talking and i reaaaally hate when i do that but i can´t help it...i know all of this comes down to letting my insecurities go, but is easier said than done and that sucks, because i already missed out in highschool a lot of oportunities and i know that because some friends told me a really pretty girl had a crush on me and i never did anything because of the same

 

[DA_Champion]

I hate the hard time I'm having meeting women.

I'm perusing three dating sites (PoF, OkC, eharmony), and thus far have had little success in spite of significant effort and casting a broad net. I tried to install Tinder but it would not load on my laptop, I'll try again soon.

Regardless, I send hundreds of messages, typically 5-10% lead to a first response, or less, and maybe 1-2% lead to a date.

I did go on a date yesterday. I showed up and my first thought when I saw her was "oh no." Literally. She was substantially larger and older than indicated by her profile. She also reeked of tobacco. I didn't want to be rude so I took her out for coffee after.

I can try and do better. I've been losing weight, but that's a slow process. I went to get professional photos taken (before the weight loss lol), but I made a mistake... the photographer kept going "big smile! BIG smile !" but that was an error. Studies have shown that women find it unattractive when men smile (they actually looked into this), the photos that get the most responses are those with serious looks, with the eyes looking slightly away from the camera. I'm pissed at him for suggesting that (they knew what I was after) and pissed at myself for forgetting that.

I feel like I'm a better catch than this treatment, I have an interesting, respected and secure career that pays very well, I list several hobbies on my profile (exercise, movies, cooking), I have friends including photos that show me with friends, I'm 5'11 (that might be short since apparently a lot of men lie about their height), etc. I think my pictures need work, maybe not.

I tried to join a singles meetup, but most of the events get cancelled.

 

[the last son]

You always want to smile. Shows that you're nice, pleasant and possibly fun. Use online dating as a last resort. Start learning to flirt. Try it with every woman you come across. Smile and make jokes. Also, get into the best shape you can and you'll see more women come towards you, plus you'll feel better.

 

[Anita18]

I hate the hard time I'm having meeting women.

I'm perusing three dating sites (PoF, OkC, eharmony), and thus far have had little success in spite of significant effort and casting a broad net. I tried to install Tinder but it would not load on my laptop, I'll try again soon.

Regardless, I send hundreds of messages, typically 5-10% lead to a first response, or less, and maybe 1-2% lead to a date.

I did go on a date yesterday. I showed up and my first thought when I saw her was "oh no." Literally. She was substantially larger and older than indicated by her profile. She also reeked of tobacco. I didn't want to be rude so I took her out for coffee after.

I can try and do better. I've been losing weight, but that's a slow process. I went to get professional photos taken (before the weight loss lol), but I made a mistake... the photographer kept going "big smile! BIG smile !" but that was an error. Studies have shown that women find it unattractive when men smile (they actually looked into this), the photos that get the most responses are those with serious looks, with the eyes looking slightly away from the camera. I'm pissed at him for suggesting that (they knew what I was after) and pissed at myself for forgetting that.

I feel like I'm a better catch than this treatment, I have an interesting, respected and secure career that pays very well, I list several hobbies on my profile (exercise, movies, cooking), I have friends including photos that show me with friends, I'm 5'11 (that might be short since apparently a lot of men lie about their height), etc. I think my pictures need work, maybe not.

I tried to join a singles meetup, but most of the events get cancelled.

Well, are you usually a smiler or are you not? If you usually smile and are a fun-loving person, would you want a woman who is only attracted to the serious broody side of you?

My husband usually doesn't smile (he has the male version of resting b***h face), but if he had only put his super-serious brooding photos on his profile, I wouldn't have messaged him. Because I don't like people who take themselves far too seriously or look like they're too cool for life. The pictures he had were of him in casual situations, where he's not like t: but also not totally self-aware and giving the camera some Blue Steel or whatever. That's a major turn-off for me personally, when a guy purposely mugs for the camera in a "I'm too cool for you" pose.



Your ratio of success actually sounds better than my ratio of success, but I was pretty picky about personality and anyone who pinged my creep radar got blocked. It's not really about attracting ANY woman, as you found on that date yesterday. It's about attracting the one for you. So however you want to present yourself honestly, do that. It's not about getting into a relationship fast, it's about finding someone compatible with you. After 2 years and less than 10 first dates, I found my husband. I got lucky, but you really only need one. And once you find that one, it doesn't matter how hard it was in the beginning.

Honestly, we can't really help what attracts the vast majority of people. And it isn't like there's a big conspiracy among women to "treat you" badly, whatever that even means. It's just knee-jerk attractiveness.

I think I'm a pretty damn good catch myself, for a woman - I'm super chill, I'm thoughtful, I don't nag my husband, I let him go out whenever he wants, I don't emotionally bait him, we've never fought, we very rarely argue, I'm Asian and wake up pretty presentable, and I'm nearly model-thin and given my genetics, will stay this way until the day I die. In fact, my husband thanks his lucky stars that he has me, whenever his friends start complaining about their needy girlfriends. (Given my decidedly not-hot status, I have very VERY little sympathy for guys who stay with women who make them miserable, just because they're hot.)

But there's something about me that isn't attractive to 99% of guys. (2 years online dating, I only got 1 bf out of it! Was pure luck he was the guy for me.) I guess I could have pretended to be more glamorous than I naturally am, more of an airhead to be less intimidating. Gotten professional photos where I'm wearing nice stuff, wearing heels, had my hair and makeup done.

But then I wouldn't be me, and I'd be changing myself to fit men's standards. I'm also an unabashed feminist so f*** that.

You only need one. Remember that. You want to present yourself honestly, and have the goal of finding someone compatible with you. Online dating just casts a wider net, especially for us folks who are introverted or not attractive to the majority of people for whatever reason. It doesn't automatically mean you'll have a line out the door because you're in contact with more people.

 

[DA_Champion]

Honestly, we can't really help what attracts the vast majority of people. And it isn't like there's a big conspiracy among women to "treat you" badly, whatever that even means. It's just knee-jerk attractiveness.

Just to be clear, I'm not paranoid and hopefully not delusional. I hope I did not give the impression that I was saying that.

But I appreciate your post. Also, I think 10 dates in 2 years is probably about average.

You're a good person, in addition to everything you've wrote, you're also one of the most interesting posters on SHH. I'm not sure how many points that gives you on the catchiness scale, but take it

 

[the last son]

Yesterday she sends a text saying how she misses me everyday. I respond me too, are you adjusted to the move? She says getting there. I left it there. What is the point of these conversations? I want to be mean and tell her it's over, you moved away good luck and good bye, but seems a little cold.