The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - Part 30

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

Yup, remember, dating is a two-way street! Have fun!

Thanks! We have texted back and forth a bit here since I've been at work. Plan on meeting at Starbucks after I get off and then hitting a meeting and getting some food. She asked how I was getting home and I told her I was just going to take an Uber and she said she'd give me a ride home so I'm just gonna throw her some gas $. Pretty cool of her since that basically kills an hour of her night.

 

[DA_Champion]

I'm in an unusual situation where I have like 8 or 9 active conversations going on in online dating, which has never happened before. The improvement is a combination of luck and better photographs.

I'm not available for dates though, I'm currently travelling internationally, in Sweden and Denmark, great places by the way. So I'm trying to send weekly updates or so, which also saves time until I get back in town. Trying to speak to a lot of women at once is actually tiring.

 

[Dark Raven]

WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?!

Spoiler

Batman: Martha!!!!

Superman: WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME????

Batman:

 

[warhorse78]

Hey everyone. It's been a while. Anyways, I have a question to ask. Not so much as in relationship, but in as a friendship situation.

Most of my friends are guys, they usually are co-workers and their friends and we all like to join at this pub nearby and take a load off. Recently, a month ago, a new lady, maybe in her mid 40's, started to work at my job. She always noticed me hanging with the guys either in the parking lot or at the pub, and asked if she could join. I told her I'd have to ask them, because they sometimes don't want too many women around because they do like to cause drama sometimes that the guys just don't want to deal with. They don't want some chick to be hanging around that just wants to get laid or something. Get my drift.

I told them, and they were like, it's OK if she met up at the pub, but the parking lot, it's not OK, not until they see what she is like first. They basically don't want some woman just coming over and helping herself out to the beer we bought, not her.

So, I invited her over to the pub. She came by, we had a few drinks. Some of the guys got up to go outside to smoke. Then she told me she would be right back, she had to powder her nose, and told me to watch her bag. I was too busy talking to the bartender to realise a good 30 minutes have past when I get a text from my boyfriend who was outside too, who asked me why I was mad at him. I wasn't, and I looked outside to see her sitting out there with the guys. My bf motioned me to come join them. And I did, taking her purse and told her, thanks for leaving me like that. He pulled me aside and tells me she told him I was kind of PO's at him and wanted my space, and I said nothing of the sort. He just shrugged, and told me she was definitely NOT invited to the parking lot hang out. No time for liars trying to start crap.

Well, last night, we were all at the pub having a party for a friend's birthday, and she just showed up, and helped herself to the table. I try to be nice and all. But then again, she asks me to hold her purse, and she walked away. Later on, again my boyfriend comes in, and is like, "why did you invite her, she's really getting on my last nerves. She's out there talking crap about you, saying how you told her all the guys you are sleeping with and whatnot!" I was about to get really upset, as he said this stuff in front of some of my girlfriends, but he put his hand on my shoulder and told me to relax, he knows a liar when he sees one and he knows my character and that I would never do that. I wanted to go out there and get in her face about it, but he didn't want to ruin the night, so he just stayed in the pub with me and the other girls. She came by twice, asking my boyfriend if he's coming out, and he would tell her no, while at the same time throwing his arm around my shoulders as a way to tell me to be cool. Then after she left, she had the nerve to tell the bar tender that my boyfriend said he would cover her tab, and he was stuck with a 45 bill.

What in the hell is this lady's problem? She has me watch her damn purse so she can try and chase tail, tells my bf and his friends outright lies about me when she just met me, and then has the nerve to lie to the bartender about the tab. What kind of stunt is she trying to pull? After that, my bf was like, for now, we are either hanging in the parking lot, or we are going to go to another bar until she gets the hint. But why would this lady do this???

 

[Dark Raven]

If someone posts on Facebook: "I have a spare ticket for the theatre tonight/ tomorrow (or some other social event). Who wants to come with me? Please reply/ message/ text me." Is that really an open invite? Or is there actually an unwritten social rule that it's only really open to their close friends or the people they actually want to go with? If you were the first to respond and said "I'll go", but you either don't know them that well, or even if you do know them, you were not the type of person they had in mind, then will it be welcomed?

And how about if someone says to a group of people regarding a party or wedding "you're all invited", but some of the group they barely know at all? Was that just them being polite because they couldn't exactly say "some of you are invited" but they really only expect their friends to turn up? Would they not be wondering "who are you?" if you did actually show up?

I would say that in the first scenario, it's not really an open invite. I've responded to that sort of thing before with a reply, and it's been immediately deleted. Then hours later someone else might reply and they'll say they were glad someone responded.

 

[Anita18]

What in the hell is this lady's problem? She has me watch her damn purse so she can try and chase tail, tells my bf and his friends outright lies about me when she just met me, and then has the nerve to lie to the bartender about the tab. What kind of stunt is she trying to pull? After that, my bf was like, for now, we are either hanging in the parking lot, or we are going to go to another bar until she gets the hint. But why would this lady do this???

Simple answer, 'cause she has major, major issues. You can't talk her out of it, she has to realize why nobody wants to be her friend or hang out with her. But it kinda sounds like she's totally clueless so um, good luck there lady.

Don't try to save her or reason with her. She doesn't sound like she wants to be fixed, only to take advantage of people. (And doing it badly, considering she showed all her cards the FIRST time you hung out.)

 

[Anita18]

If someone posts on Facebook: "I have a spare ticket for the theatre tonight/ tomorrow (or some other social event). Who wants to come with me? Please reply/ message/ text me." Is that really an open invite? Or is there actually an unwritten social rule that it's only really open to their close friends or the people they actually want to go with? If you were the first to respond and said "I'll go", but you either don't know them that well, or even if you do know them, you were not the type of person they had in mind, then will it be welcomed?

And how about if someone says to a group of people regarding a party or wedding "you're all invited", but some of the group they barely know at all? Was that just them being polite because they couldn't exactly say "some of you are invited" but they really only expect their friends to turn up? Would they not be wondering "who are you?" if you did actually show up?

I would say that in the first scenario, it's not really an open invite. I've responded to that sort of thing before with a reply, and it's been immediately deleted. Then hours later someone else might reply and they'll say they were glad someone responded.

I'd say it depends.

I've offered to take tickets from friends I didn't know aaaaall that well, and been invited along. Not barely-known acquaintances, people I've had emotionally sensitive convos before, but not folks I regularly hang out with. At the same time, I'm also the kind of person that people trust very readily. I've had people spill their guts to me when I just meet them.

Also, on Facebook you can make friend lists and show certain statuses to certain friend lists. If they'd really want it to be seen only by certain people, they should learn how to use those.

 

[warhorse78]

Simple answer, 'cause she has major, major issues. You can't talk her out of it, she has to realize why nobody wants to be her friend or hang out with her. But it kinda sounds like she's totally clueless so um, good luck there lady.

Don't try to save her or reason with her. She doesn't sound like she wants to be fixed, only to take advantage of people. (And doing it badly, considering she showed all her cards the FIRST time you hung out.)

This stuff right here though, is the primary reason they don't like women hanging out except for a very few select.

Later on that night, my two girl friends and I went to the beach to chill and sober up, and I told them how this is the second time she asked me to watch her purse, and then she went to go outside to talk to the guys, and then try and cause some sort of drama between my boyfriend and me. My one friend was like, well next time she's around, don't beat around the bush, tell her to watch her own damn bag. And definitely see what she is up to when she goes to talk to the guys outside. Maybe she's up to something shady, and she knows you won't put up with it, while the guys might be too nice to tell her to leave.

 

[NotSoLongAgo]

IMO then it wasn't really meant to be. People CAN certainly change drastically at that age, like Erz said. But if true compatibility is there, you don't need to be together constantly for a relationship to flourish.

This is different from one person needing more quality time together, BTW. I'm referring to how your personalities and values actually fit together. If someone's personality changes when you're not with them, that can mean they don't have a strong hold on what their personality IS, or maybe they suit their personality depending on who they're with, which is difficult for some people to handle in a relationship.

Before we were married, my husband worked upstate for almost a year. (He actually just took another job upstate, but luckily he's getting paid enough this time so that he can travel to see me on the weekends.) Yeah I missed him, but when I saw him, he wasn't a different person. He had already settled into who he was. That's why our marriage is so solid, because we were already stable in who we were before we got together. Our personalities complemented, they didn't overwrite.

Marriage is about stability, at the end of the day. You certainly had no idea how much she'd change, but believe me, if she did change this much within the span of a few months, it's for the better.

Thanks for the reply

I definitely agree with you. I've pretty much accepted it at this point. I think we totally could've and should've been able to move forward if it were meant to be. What you said about personality totally makes sense. She has a lot of her own personal issues that had been changing things in her life already. I guess I just still feel worried about her tbh but it's pretty pointless since we're not even friends anymore. Sad but that is life.

 

[Ironfan72]

Kind of just went through a break up a couple months ago, she and I had been friends in high school, but lost contact for 20 yrs. we found each other again on facebook back in 2010, started talking, realized we had feelings for each other back in school, and still did, she was married but it was an abusive marriage, one she was ending, so eventually she did, and we got together but it was on and off over that the next several years, she struggled to find work, even with 2 college degrees, jobs were few and far between, her health declined due to crohns disease, stress got to her, I helped a lot financially, which made her feel guilty, guess I thought I was doing the right thing by helping, she had never had a man care about her the way I had, but her demons were just to much to over come, so she told me she no longer felt for me the way I felt for her and hadn't for along time, she only kept seeing me because she was lonely and felt she owed it to me, she wants to be friends, but we hardly talk now, and when we do all she does is complain about how bad her life is, hard to be there in everyway for a person only to be tossed away without even a idea she felt that way, but in hind sight I should have seen in years ago, she often avoided me for months at a time, only communicating through text, so I am moving on, least trying to, hard to give up on someone who meant so much over the last 6 yrs., while we might have not had a true relationship, we still had a lot of great times together, and I miss her often, but she has changed a lot, and I have to let her go.

 

[Chris B]

I am in need of some advice about a girl I work with. Here the situation: I've worked with this girl for as long as I've worked for my employer the past several years and she was someone I noticed early on. We did have a rapport with one another and eventually I did try asking her out only to find out that she had a boyfriend. She did break up with that guy eventually, but unfortunately due to my attempt to pursue something at the wrong time, things became awkward and strained between us for a long time, and I thought I had gotten over her.

Jumping ahead to about a year ago, things started to change. Out of the blue she started to act flirtatious with me, but I was dealing with some personal stuff at the time and didn't pay too much attention to her changed demeanor, not to mention our history. So that didn't last too long as she probably got the impression that I wasn't interested. But about several months ago, I fell for her again. Granted, what seemed like advances on her part earlier on probably played a role, but I'm honestly not sure if I ever really got over her in hindsight. As she was someone that would often cross my mind whenever I thought about work.

So upon my old feelings being rekindled, I made a point of trying to fix things with her. I would go out of my way to be friendly with her, and while its not second nature for me, try to flirt with her. While also of course making sure that she is still single. And while I've never been good at picking up signals, I honestly thought it was working and that she was interested.

My problem at the moment is that things have started to go on the wrong track. She had a personal tragedy recently and was off for a few weeks. When she came back, I expressed my condolences, and while I didn't think she was over her grief, or expect her to be for that matter, things were still good between us for a bit and I felt that she was still interested. I figured that it was just a matter of waiting until the appropriate time before I would try asking her out again.

But recently her disposition suddenly changed. She no longer seems that enthused to see me, does little on her part to say anything to me when I see her, and is terse when I try talking to her. So now I'm not sure what to think. Despite these problems, I do still like her and would like to try and pursue something if the circumstances allowed it. But now I can't shake the feeling that the writing is on the wall and things just aren't meant to work out with her. Not to mention that the business we work for is closing in several weeks so I'm on a timetable.

So would what you guys recommend? My apologies for the long post.

 

[Tilapia]

I am in need of some advice about a girl I work with. Here the situation: I've worked with this girl for as long as I've worked for my employer the past several years and she was someone I noticed early on. We did have a rapport with one another and eventually I did try asking her out only to find out that she had a boyfriend. She did break up with that guy eventually, but unfortunately due to my attempt to pursue something at the wrong time, things became awkward and strained between us for a long time, and I thought I had gotten over her.

Jumping ahead to about a year ago, things started to change. Out of the blue she started to act flirtatious with me, but I was dealing with some personal stuff at the time and didn't pay too much attention to her changed demeanor, not to mention our history. So that didn't last too long as she probably got the impression that I wasn't interested. But about several months ago, I fell for her again. Granted, what seemed like advances on her part earlier on probably played a role, but I'm honestly not sure if I ever really got over her in hindsight. As she was someone that would often cross my mind whenever I thought about work.

So upon my old feelings being rekindled, I made a point of trying to fix things with her. I would go out of my way to be friendly with her, and while its not second nature for me, try to flirt with her. While also of course making sure that she is still single. And while I've never been good at picking up signals, I honestly thought it was working and that she was interested.

My problem at the moment is that things have started to go on the wrong track. She had a personal tragedy recently and was off for a few weeks. When she came back, I expressed my condolences, and while I didn't think she was over her grief, or expect her to be for that matter, things were still good between us for a bit and I felt that she was still interested. I figured that it was just a matter of waiting until the appropriate time before I would try asking her out again.

But recently her disposition suddenly changed. She no longer seems that enthused to see me, does little on her part to say anything to me when I see her, and is terse when I try talking to her. So now I'm not sure what to think. Despite these problems, I do still like her and would like to try and pursue something if the circumstances allowed it. But now I can't shake the feeling that the writing is on the wall and things just aren't meant to work out with her. Not to mention that the business we work for is closing in several weeks so I'm on a timetable.

So would what you guys recommend? My apologies for the long post.

Don't touch it with a ten foot pole. You guys had your chances. There is only so many times you can go back to the toxic well.

I have a good friend who is infatuated with a co-worker. She's since broken up with the long distance boyfriend and my friend is ready to pounce. I hope he succeeds, but I staunchly advised him to let it be. Going after someone you work in proximity with is always a non starter with me. Size of the company also matters because the ability to transfer before getting serious is key. But regardless of the situation, I would abandon ship.

 

[Volshe]

Yeah, I'd leave it be. Either she's into you - which she'd have shown already - or she's not - which she seems to have shown. Plus, the entire situation seems like it would make any relationship a bit strained, let alone one which seems to have neither side on the same page.

 

[Mysteryman]

While I agree that is kind of tricky to get involved with someone whom you work in close proximity, Grief is a funny thing.
It can last a lot longer than you think.
Maybe she is just now beginning to truly recover from the loss.
Just throwing that out there.

 

[Volshe]

That's possible, but even so, it seems like there's little stability going on - even without the grief aspect. I'm not sure she's really all that interested. IMO it doesn't seem to be that way.

 

[Chris B]

Don't touch it with a ten foot pole. You guys had your chances. There is only so many times you can go back to the toxic well.

I have a good friend who is infatuated with a co-worker. She's since broken up with the long distance boyfriend and my friend is ready to pounce. I hope he succeeds, but I staunchly advised him to let it be. Going after someone you work in proximity with is always a non starter with me. Size of the company also matters because the ability to transfer before getting serious is key. But regardless of the situation, I would abandon ship.

This might be naïve on my part, but I figured that the earlier instances I mentioned were just cases of bad timing and didn't have to prohibit pursuing a relationship with her, but perhaps I was wrong. Plus, I wont be working with her any longer in a short time from now, but that may now be irrelevant.

Yeah, I'd leave it be. Either she's into you - which she'd have shown already - or she's not - which she seems to have shown. Plus, the entire situation seems like it would make any relationship a bit strained, let alone one which seems to have neither side on the same page.

Until recently, I genuinely felt that she was giving me signs that she was interested. Which is why this whole turnaround is perplexing to me. In fact, some days she still seems to show some signs of interest, but before she seemed to be a lot more consistent. Maybe I've given her the wrong idea that I'm no longer interested?

While I agree that is kind of tricky to get involved with someone whom you work in close proximity, Grief is a funny thing.
It can last a lot longer than you think.
Maybe she is just now beginning to truly recover from the loss.
Just throwing that out there.

Yeah, I've given her the benefit of the doubt considering her circumstances, but the fact that this seems to have become the new normal with her makes me think something else is going on.

 

[NotSoLongAgo]

It sounds to me like you guys aren't exactly close (so you wouldn't be ruining a great friendship or something), and that combined with you not working together any more soon makes me say why not? If it were me I'd go for it

 

[Erzengel]

I didn't get the feeling there was anything really there. Maybe some self esteem builder or someone looking for some attention?

If the store is closing, you could ask for her number so you guys can keep in touch. Then who knows what may happen.

 

[Hobgoblin]

For those of you who are married: How much did you spend on wedding rings?

 

[Erzengel]

What is she thinking?

 

[Anita18]

I didn't get the feeling there was anything really there. Maybe some self esteem builder or someone looking for some attention?

If the store is closing, you could ask for her number so you guys can keep in touch. Then who knows what may happen.

I agree with Erz. A lot of women will flirt with guys when they're feeling unattractive, as a self-esteem booster. But they're not really looking for anything.

Might as well get her number though.

For those of you who are married: How much did you spend on wedding rings?

Hubs and I went to a local jeweler and got pretty simple rings. His was less than $200 IIRC, mine was just over $300 I think. Mine has tiny diamonds along half the circumference. I felt guilty for a hot second since it wasn't "necessary," but they're really cute and I don't regret it now, haha.

The material will be the biggest factor. Ours were white gold, 18K, which is pretty basic. (We take our rings off when doing anything particularly hard on the hands.) I forgot if titanium is more expensive, but platinum is definitely the most expensive you could get.

I definitely wouldn't recommend splurging if you don't have the money for it. It's still just an object at the end of the day. Even my engagement ring wasn't that expensive, really. Someone would make more money stealing a Macbook Pro than stealing my ring.

 

[Erzengel]

We had a jeweler friend make ours.

Her engagement ring and my wedding ring were based on Tiffany designs, just not at Tiffany prices.

I did use the old adage of about 2 months pay.

Her wedding band, we matched to her engagement ring.

In terms of pricing, my wife thinks mine was $800 and hers was about $1,000. I don't exactly remember.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, you really have to go with what you're comfortable with. I couldn't stand the thought of wearing something worth 2-months' pay on my finger all the time. I thought I could go even smaller with my engagement ring (it's already less than 1 carat), but my husband isn't a shopper so he basically went with what the jeweler first brought out, haha.

A friend's engagement ring cost as much as a car, since his grandparents paid for it and there was some good ol' passive-aggressive posturing over it. (She didn't want it to be that big or expensive, but Asian family loyalty always wins out...) I would put that thing in a safety deposit box and never take it out ever.

That's really cool that you had a friend make yours, Erz.

 

[Erzengel]

Well the advice I'd give any guy is MAKE SURE you know what she wants. If she doesn't care, then you might have to venture out on a limb. One of my exes didn't even care if it was real. There are some women who don't prefer diamonds. One woman we know got one she didn't necessarily like but felt bad and never said anything. I knew exactly what my wife wanted so it was pretty easy. She still gets compliments on it.

That's why I asked Hob what she was looking for. Does she want gold, yellow or white? Platinum? Does she want diamonds or a simple band?

 

[Hobgoblin]

Well the advice I'd give any guy is MAKE SURE you know what she wants. If she doesn't care, then you might have to venture out on a limb. One of my exes didn't even care if it was real. There are some women who don't prefer diamonds. One woman we know got one she didn't necessarily like but felt bad and never said anything. I knew exactly what my wife wanted so it was pretty easy. She still gets compliments on it.

That's why I asked Hob what she was looking for. Does she want gold, yellow or white? Platinum? Does she want diamonds or a simple band?

She did an add on to the engagement ring I gave her. The ring was my mother's so that was free, obviously. The add on goes half way around the ring and has diamonds and saffires. I thought mine was pretty basic: white gold and a Celtic engraving, no stones.

All together cost about $3500.


Next situation: We are moving out to a duplex on Sunday and it is a place we really like. Our father's don't like it because we are expected to mow the lawn but we don't get a break on rent from the landlords. We supply our own mower and there is no place to store it. Since dad now lives alone I was going to leave it in his garage. Anyway, her dad went to the landlords home and argued that they were being unfair. I don't know what he said but I'm sure it wasn't well said. The husband landlord threatened to cancel our agreement and my future father in law is ok with that. The wife texted my fiance and said that she and I are ok, but her father was over the line. They want everything squared but her father won't apologize. My fiance and I are kinda ticked off. I'm just ranting but does anyone have suggestions?

We had found a place we liked early this year but her dad didn't like it so we moved on. Now he doesn't like this place either.