The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[Prison Mike]

I asked a guy I've talking to (for a month) if he wanted to meet and he was on board last week but, yesterday, when I asked him again, he said he was in a very complicated and tight situation at work. He did send me a very extensive message explaining me why and such but I just don't buy it.

Life gets tough from one minute to another, I get that! But we still have Saturday!

Unless he’s an accountant and has to work on Saturday and Sunday

 

[InCali]

I asked a guy I've talking to (for a month) if he wanted to meet and he was on board last week but, yesterday, when I asked him again, he said he was in a very complicated and tight situation at work. He did send me a very extensive message explaining me why and such but I just don't buy it.

Life gets tough from one minute to another, I get that! But we still have Saturday!

I always assume people are telling me the truth, but never count on it.

 

[ComicChick]

i don't have a monday to friday job, i am sunday to thursday the majority of the time, so my weekends aren't the same as most people

depending on their line of work, they very well may be telling the truth. and if they were lying, i hope they wouldnt have bothered with the extensive message explaining things

 

[InCali]

i don't have a monday to friday job, i am sunday to thursday the majority of the time, so my weekends aren't the same as most people

depending on their line of work, they very well may be telling the truth. and if they were lying, i hope they wouldnt have bothered with the extensive message explaining things

I thought you were a Sunday to Saturday kind of gal.

 

[ComicChick]

I thought you were a Sunday to Saturday kind of gal.

i said "the majority of the time" lol

lately ive been a sunday - friday girl with one day off but i actually get 2 days off this week and i'm taking advantage!

 

[InCali]

i said "the majority of the time" lol

lately ive been a sunday - friday girl with one day off but i actually get 2 days off this week and i'm taking advantage!

Well looky you.....all lazy and stuff.

 

[Wolvieboy17]

I asked a guy I've talking to (for a month) if he wanted to meet and he was on board last week but, yesterday, when I asked him again, he said he was in a very complicated and tight situation at work. He did send me a very extensive message explaining me why and such but I just don't buy it.

Life gets tough from one minute to another, I get that! But we still have Saturday!

Yeah, in the face of that kind of stuff, my approach is generally to assume they're not interested and drop back my interest level. It feels like a bummer but I think it's the best way to protect yourself. That way, if he actually IS interested, the ball is still in his court to line up that date, in which case you can go along with whatever he plans. But if he doesn't do that, you're not stuck in limbo waiting for him to confirm anything for you.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Yeah, in the face of that kind of stuff, my approach is generally to assume they're not interested and drop back my interest level. It feels like a bummer but I think it's the best way to protect yourself. That way, if he actually IS interested, the ball is still in his court to line up that date, in which case you can go along with whatever he plans. But if he doesn't do that, you're not stuck in limbo waiting for him to confirm anything for you.

Yeah, I'm trying to keep calm about the whole thing because of anxiety and dealing with rejection (or at least, it feels like it) is not nice... and there goes my ego again.

I'm open to his approach, though! But I can't deny that it felt horrible.

 

[Wolvieboy17]

Yeah, I'm trying to keep calm about the whole thing because of anxiety and dealing with rejection (or at least, it feels like it) is not nice... and there goes my ego again.

I'm open to his approach, though! But I can't deny that it felt horrible.

Yeah, I definitely feel that, both the anxiety and fear of rejection. It never feels great, but in my experience, the more you chase it, the sillier you feel after it still doesn't pan out.

I think the best thing to do would be say something like "Just let me know when you're free to catch up" and then dial yourself back a bit. The thing is, even if you give him the benefit of the doubt (he could be genuinely busy, he could be shy, have anxiety, double booked himself etc), it still can set a dangerous pattern early on that your time isn't as valuable, and those patterns can be hard to break.

In my experience (and probably speaking from both sides of this), the quickest way to make someone commit one way or the other is to stop meeting them more than halfway. Even if you really, really like this guy, your boundaries and your time are valuable and you deserve the respect of clear communication. Some guys just need that reminder. Either because they're not totally serious and they need a reminder of "Oh this is another human being" or they're just generally immature and haven't had many people call them out on their behaviour etc.

I had this on again/off again thing with a girl a few years back, and she would string me along on planning dates for WEEKS. We'd go on a date, it would be great, and then nothing. Cancelled dates or not enough money to go for coffee, etc etc. So I'd take the hint and stop messaging, and she'd chase after me again. I'd suggest a date and the same thing would happen. Eventually I just called it what it was and said I'm getting clear signals that she's just not interested and she acted genuinely surprised. I put the ball in her court to plan a date and it never happened.

About a year later, we bumped into each other and caught up and she told me all about her severe depression, and how that's what she was dealing with etc. Now obviously I empathise with this, because I've dealt with it on and off myself over the years. But I knew immediately that I'd done the right thing. Because even if we'd started dating, that could've been the start of a super toxic patter, of one person going above and beyond for a person who won't even communicate etc.

Anyway, long winded way of saying there's nothing wrong with protecting yourself in these instances. It's not selfish or stand offish when it comes to dating, just practical. And then when the right person comes along, all that stuff should feel easy and natural.

Good luck with it all!

 

[MissMarvelous]

Yeah, I definitely feel that, both the anxiety and fear of rejection. It never feels great, but in my experience, the more you chase it, the sillier you feel after it still doesn't pan out.

I think the best thing to do would be say something like "Just let me know when you're free to catch up" and then dial yourself back a bit. The thing is, even if you give him the benefit of the doubt (he could be genuinely busy, he could be shy, have anxiety, double booked himself etc), it still can set a dangerous pattern early on that your time isn't as valuable, and those patterns can be hard to break.

In my experience (and probably speaking from both sides of this), the quickest way to make someone commit one way or the other is to stop meeting them more than halfway. Even if you really, really like this guy, your boundaries and your time are valuable and you deserve the respect of clear communication. Some guys just need that reminder. Either because they're not totally serious and they need a reminder of "Oh this is another human being" or they're just generally immature and haven't had many people call them out on their behaviour etc.

I had this on again/off again thing with a girl a few years back, and she would string me along on planning dates for WEEKS. We'd go on a date, it would be great, and then nothing. Cancelled dates or not enough money to go for coffee, etc etc. So I'd take the hint and stop messaging, and she'd chase after me again. I'd suggest a date and the same thing would happen. Eventually I just called it what it was and said I'm getting clear signals that she's just not interested and she acted genuinely surprised. I put the ball in her court to plan a date and it never happened.

About a year later, we bumped into each other and caught up and she told me all about her severe depression, and how that's what she was dealing with etc. Now obviously I empathise with this, because I've dealt with it on and off myself over the years. But I knew immediately that I'd done the right thing. Because even if we'd started dating, that could've been the start of a super toxic patter, of one person going above and beyond for a person who won't even communicate etc.

Anyway, long winded way of saying there's nothing wrong with protecting yourself in these instances. It's not selfish or stand offish when it comes to dating, just practical. And then when the right person comes along, all that stuff should feel easy and natural.

Good luck with it all!

Thank you for tour words! Much appreciated.

I contemplated the idea that he might have double booked himself or something. Which can happen and that's ok too.

 

[Erzengel]

So, less than 2 years ago I got a second Bachelor's degree. I didn't walk, nor did I walk the first time. It wasn't celebrated by my family nor did I expect anything but my wife did get me a nice little present. I have an in-law who's getting a Masters. I was invited to the graduation however, I don't think I'll be able to attend. But someone said, don't forget to get a present. It's a not a big deal for me to get something but since I didn't ask nor did I receive anything for my second degree, part of me questions, why. And knowing my family, if I said, "You know nobody got me anything." it'll be met with "Forget it then." and resentment. As an aside, most of my family is non confrontational so I won't ever really hear anything.

 

[InCali]

So, less than 2 years ago I got a second Bachelor's degree. I didn't walk, nor did I walk the first time. It wasn't celebrated by my family nor did I expect anything but my wife did get me a nice little present. I have an in-law who's getting a Masters. I was invited to the graduation however, I don't think I'll be able to attend. But someone said, don't forget to get a present. It's a not a big deal for me to get something but since I didn't ask nor did I receive anything for my second degree, part of me questions, why. And knowing my family, if I said, "You know nobody got me anything." it'll be met with "Forget it then." and resentment. As an aside, most of my family is non confrontational so I won't ever really hear anything.

I don't know who "someone" is, but I'd probably say "What do you think s/he would like? Why don't we both chip in and get something?"

 

[MissMarvelous]

If you two are not too close, maybe you can get her some flowers and a nice bottle of wine, something nice and simple. Not a big deal.

 

[Erzengel]

I think it's more the, I didn't get you anything for you when you graduated but when my husband is getting his Masters, you should get him a gift. Who knows maybe the thought just wasn't in her head and maybe cause mine was a 2nd bachelors and not a masters?

 

[MissMarvelous]

I think it's more the, I didn't get you anything for you when you graduated but when my husband is getting his Masters, you should get him a gift. Who knows maybe the thought just wasn't in her head and maybe cause mine was a 2nd bachelors and not a masters?

Just get her something nice and simple and be done with it.

 

[ComicChick]

a card is simple enough. i am that petty lol

 

[Wolvieboy17]

I don't think there's any hard and fast rule, but I think whether you've previously received a gift or not is irrelevant. The gesture of doing something nice should just be based on you actually wanting to do that, weighed up against the likelihood of it damaging a relationship (and how much you care about that outcome).

I would think most people wouldn't really expect gifts, but then every relationship is different. I think it's the thought that counts though, so if you care about that, just anything thoughtful is fine I think. Box of chocolates, a card, taking them to dinner, whatever feels right to you.

 

[Prison Mike]

How do you guys overcome awkward pauses during a conversation? I think I had five or six over the course of an hour while talking to someone. It might have lasted 2 or 3 seconds each but felt like an eternity.

 

[InCali]

How do you guys overcome awkward pauses during a conversation? I think I had five or six over the course of an hour while talking to someone. It might have lasted 2 or 3 seconds each but felt like an eternity.

I usually say "How about those Dodgers?" and laugh uncontrollably. I've never had an awkward pause after that. In fact, I've never even spoken to that person again after that.

The other option is to ask if they want a drink. After about 5 or 6 of those, you don't notice anymore.

 

[InCali]

TBH, I think finding out about people is really interesting. I figure when there are awkward lapses, it's just often part of the process and don't worry about it. I had a couple of those on the phone a few weeks ago with a long time friend.

 

[Wolvieboy17]

How do you guys overcome awkward pauses during a conversation? I think I had five or six over the course of an hour while talking to someone. It might have lasted 2 or 3 seconds each but felt like an eternity.

I think it depends on the person. Some people are actually comfortable in the silence, and if you show that you're relaxed in it too, it can help them open up a bit more. I think the risk sometimes can be, you hit a silence and you freak out because you think it's a bad thing, so start babbling or filling the silence. If the other person is a little awkward, they'll pick up on what you're doing and feel self conscious.

In my experience, people who can be a little quiet or introverts are super aware of the social energy around them, so if they feel you working extra hard to talk to them, they might beat themself up about it afterwards.

Obviously everyone is different, but I think the best thing you can do in the face of any social awkwardness is just act unphased by everything, even if you're panicking on the inside haha. (TBH I think this is what most people are doing all the time anyway, even the very socially confident)

 

[Enriquespy]

If a gal says she is interested in getting coffee with you, how many months is it ok to wait before you ask her out for that coffee?

Also, and more importantly:

At what time are coffee dates? Afternoon? lunch time? evening?

I dunno.

 

[Erzengel]

Why are you waiting months? If someone says she is interested in getting coffee with you, then ask her out?

 

[Enriquespy]

It's just been like, 5 months, tops.
Last time she mentioned it was like, 3 weeks ago.

 

[Erzengel]

Then just ask her out for coffee then. If someone says they are interested, take them up on it. If they flake or come up with excuses, you know they never really were interested and you can move on.