The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[Lily Adler]

I’m not going to lie, it’s a bit surprising to see this advice written in the “sexperts” thread.

Look you married a nice Jewish doctor and have her kids. You've succeeded in life, bubaleh!

 

[theastsunnn]

They’re not a fit. He needs to leave

 

[Babillygunn]

I refer to my wife as my best friend all the time.

 

[Erzengel]

This pretty much is telling:
"We’ve had some struggles recently with me upset that I’m getting less than the bare minimum in terms of communication and affection. I’ve brought this up and feel as though it is immediately turned on me every time. I’m not sure what to do about this situation."
I feel she's keeping her options open and he is her fall back option.

 

[Lily Adler]

I was under the impression that coffee was preferred over dinner since it was seen more casual and if things worked out you can have dinner.

 

[MissMarvelous]

I'm all in for a 50/50 bill, but if the guy wants to pay... I'll, at least, offer to leave a very good tip. Is the least I can do. And I'd insist on it.

Genuine question, though: not sure how much should I push the "please let me pay (at least my part)" when a guy insists on taking care of the bill. In the case that it's all good and dandy with the other person.

Coffee is date, but a walk in the park is not (unless it's after the coffee).

 

[Gee]

I was under the impression that coffee was preferred over dinner since it was seen more casual and if things worked out you can have dinner.

Yep. Summer dates I've been to we go grab a drink and if we vibe, we order food or go somewhere else to eat.

Winter, we go grab a coffee or hot chocolate then get food if we vibe.

 

[Gee]

I'm all in for a 50/50 bill, but if the guy wants to pay... I'll, at least, offer to leave a very good tip. Is the least I can do. And I'd insist on it.

Genuine question, though: not sure how much should I push the "please let me pay (at least my part)" when a guy insists on taking care of the bill. In the case that it's all good and dandy with the other person.

Coffee is date, but a walk in the park is not (unless it's after the coffee).

First date is always 50/50 in my case. If the guy proposes to pay the meal and you insist to pay your part or split the bill, but he really insists to pay then I'd say let him. If you go on another date, then insist to pay next time.

I reckon going for a walk in the park with your edible (coffee/ice cream/whatever) is considered a date. Summer is great here because many streets are turned into pedestrian zones for the whole season and window shopping can bring some interesting convos.

 

[Lily Adler]

First date is always 50/50 in my case. If the guy proposes to pay the meal and you insist to pay your part or split the bill, but he really insists to pay then I'd say let him. If you go on another date, then insist to pay next time.

I reckon going for a walk in the park with your edible (coffee/ice cream/whatever) is considered a date. Summer is great here because many streets are turned into pedestrian zones for the whole season and window shopping can bring some interesting convos.

Not if you want your date to have a freak out.

 

[MissMarvelous]

I reckon going for a walk in the park with your edible (coffee/ice cream/whatever) is considered a date.

I would say it depends! For a first time, taking that it's a date between young people, it would be nice. Some sightseeing, some sun (not too hot, or otherwise you'll be testing how good your deodorant is), etc etc.

But when you get older you appreciate a nice meal, or a good coffee and some pastry. Comfy seats! This is a must. But this is my opinion... and no wonder people call me "ma'am" (or the equivalent to it).

 

[blueharvest]

I was under the impression that coffee was preferred over dinner since it was seen more casual and if things worked out you can have dinner.

Wouldn't the caffeine from the coffee keep you up after the date was over?

 

[Erzengel]

I was under the impression that coffee was preferred over dinner since it was seen more casual and if things worked out you can have dinner.

I think some people look down on a coffee date because to them it's a low thought out date, when it's suppose to be a chance to for 2 of you to meet in a situation where your date isn't an hour or more due to the type of establishment you're at. Secondly, I think some people believe that they are a prize that should be impressed and to them a "coffee date" isn't putting the effort in.

 

[theastsunnn]

Gf was 3 weeks late so thought she was pregnant because she’d never been that late I was skeptical because I doubt I can do that as it hasn’t happened. She got excited and eventually got me excited thinking it to be true, she wasn’t, but life isn’t based off of faith, prayers, karma, it’s based off science. I spent my youth drunk and by the time I sobered up in my 30s it’s too late to chase dreams.

 

[MissMarvelous]

I'm terribly sorry that you think that at your 30s everything is over.

 

[theastsunnn]

I'm terribly sorry that you think that at your 30s everything is over.

It’s that I know how my life will play out. I try my hardest, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve seen this script before. Tired of thinking things will be different just to be letdown. No matter what I’ve always had hope. I’m done. If anything good happens I’ll just be surprised.

 

[Erzengel]

You're setting yourself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

[theastsunnn]

You're setting yourself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy.

How? Im doing everything o can to prevent it but not getting a break.

 

[Erzengel]

You brought up issues you feel are in this relationship like last month with your partner such as non common interests, she not doing things that you expect to be done around your house and how you don't have alone time. Now, you seem to be upset that she's not pregnant? I'm not sure how much you are leaving out here.

You 2 don't live together and she got excited with the aspect that she may be pregnant which got you excited. Do you understand how having a baby would totally upend your life? You complained about dishes in sink and not having your alone time, that would be expanded upon tenfold. So what exactly are you upset about? If you two really want to be parents, regardless of how TV and movies make it seem like or how easy friends/families have it, baby making can be work. It's only a couple of days a month where pregnancy can take place and it's not easy for every couple. However, nothing you've written on here seems that children were what you wanted.

 

[theastsunnn]

You brought up issues you feel are in this relationship like last month with your partner such as non common interests, she not doing things that you expect to be done around your house and how you don't have alone time. Now, you seem to be upset that she's not pregnant? I'm not sure how much you are leaving out here.

You 2 don't live together and she got excited with the aspect that she may be pregnant which got you excited. Do you understand how having a baby would totally upend your life? You complained about dishes in sink and not having your alone time, that would be expanded upon tenfold. So what exactly are you upset about? If you two really want to be parents, regardless of how TV and movies make it seem like or how easy friends/families have it, baby making can be work. It's only a couple of days a month where pregnancy can take place and it's not easy for every couple. However, nothing you've written on here seems that children were what you wanted.

A child, a family a piece of me is why I do this. It’s why I quit drinking for the chance. I don’t want to be old and lonely. Not taking anything away from those who don’t have kids, but I don’t want to live that way if I can help it. It’s why I put up with a woman who I do love, but who I don’t have much in common with and takes all of my free time and put myself in situations I wouldn’t be in single because of my anxiety. It’s my sacrifice.

 

[Erzengel]

A child, a family a piece of me is why I do this. It’s why I quit drinking for the chance. I don’t want to be old and lonely. Not taking anything away from those who don’t have kids, but I don’t want to live that way if I can help it. It’s why I put up with a woman who I do love, but who I don’t have much in common with and takes all of my free time and put myself in situations I wouldn’t be in single because of my anxiety. It’s my sacrifice.

Do you want to have a child? or do you want to have a child with this woman? They aren't necessarily the same question.

 

[theastsunnn]

Do you want to have a child? or do you want to have a child with this woman? They aren't necessarily the same question.

My child. The woman doesn’t matter

 

[Babillygunn]

A child, a family a piece of me is why I do this. It’s why I quit drinking for the chance. I don’t want to be old and lonely. Not taking anything away from those who don’t have kids, but I don’t want to live that way if I can help it. It’s why I put up with a woman who I do love, but who I don’t have much in common with and takes all of my free time and put myself in situations I wouldn’t be in single because of my anxiety. It’s my sacrifice.

I think that what people are saying is that if you view your relationship with your partner as a “sacrifice” instead of a blessing, then you aren’t approaching it from a place of health. Believe me when I say that children upend your world in ways that you would never imagine. They are very hard. And if you think that someone not cleaning dishes is a sacrifice, then you would be waylaid by how much kids can drain you.
Parenting really requires you to completely trade in all of your self-centered impulses and replace them with an attitude that puts your kids’ interests ahead of your own. In many ways this is a totally unnatural mindset. While intellectually we can grasp the concept that you have to put kids’ welfare above our own interests and desires, in practice and in the daily grind it can be hard and you have to make a choice to look at them as blessings and have compassionate understanding of their immaturity. At the end of the day, kids are naturally selfish. I’m just now finding that as my oldest is finishing out his teen years we are just now getting glimpses into the fact that he is realizing that he needs to think of other people. That’s the victory. But for all of the years before that, kids are 100% reliant upon you for their needs. That is natural and good. But they can be demanding. And you will be tempted to decry them as spoiled, but that’s not usually fair. They are just expressing needs and desires to the one individual whom they trust. But in the moment, it can be hard to remember that because it puts a lot of pressure on you and it is inconvenient.

I guess I am just saying that, none of us are totally prepared for parenthood, and none of us will ever get it all right. But if it is a sacrifice to overlook your partner not thinking to wash your dishes in your house, then you may be surprised by the amount of sacrifices your kids will demand of you.

But I hope for the best of you and commend you for wanting to talk through these things. It’s good to express your desires and to be thinking through and preparing yourself for this stuff.

 

[Erzengel]

Whenever someone says I want to have a baby or even I want to get married and especially if they are single, I always question why. The reason is, there's a difference between being okay with getting married some day and wanting to get married when there isn't anyone on the radar. I feel that you "want" to get married when you meet someone and you know this is the person you want to marry. Similar to wanting to have a child. Not because someone's just available.

It seems you don't care who's the mother of your child despite how a family dynamic influences a child. You said that you love this woman, but do you even like her? Again, two different questions.

I feel in general, you should be with someone for the right reasons and not because, I don't know want to be alone, everyone has someone, I trying to conform to societal demands, someone has to have my baby.

 

[theastsunnn]

Whenever someone says I want to have a baby or even I want to get married and especially if they are single, I always question why. The reason is, there's a difference between being okay with getting married some day and wanting to get married when there isn't anyone on the radar. I feel that you "want" to get married when you meet someone and you know this is the person you want to marry. Similar to wanting to have a child. Not because someone's just available.

It seems you don't care who's the mother of your child despite how a family dynamic influences a child. You said that you love this woman, but do you even like her? Again, two different questions.

I feel in general, you should be with someone for the right reasons and not because, I don't know want to be alone, everyone has someone, I trying to conform to societal demands, someone has to have my baby.

I like her and love here. Doesn’t mean I want to be around her 24/7 and she doesn’t do things to annoy me. I’m sure she’d say the same. I would love to start a family with her, but I have no purpose in life. I feel a child would give me a reason to live and give my life for them. My wisdom. Everything I have.

These past two days I’ve been dealing with depression, and asked for some time to myself. She gave me one day but said she’ll be by to see me the next. Smothering me. I just want to come home after work and working out and be left alone. Yes with a family I can’t do that, but we don’t have that now and now I need some alone time.

 

[Erzengel]

I feel a child would give me a reason to live

And if the child doesn't?