The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[Lily Adler]

Well the other excuse at the time was that he didn't see us working out and it was filling him with anxiety and stress to be in a real relationship.

 

[Flash525]

Well the other excuse at the time was that he didn't see us working out and it was filling him with anxiety and stress to be in a real relationship.

Maybe it was your sarcasm that was stressing him out?

In any case, whatever his reasons, he didn't see it working out, and he didn't want to string you along. Whether it was a case of anxiety and stress on his part, or poor humour and sarcasm on your part, he surely did the right thing by not stringing you along?

Maybe he simply wasn't feeling it, and felt the need to provide a reason/excuse to help ease closure? If he said he simply wasn't feeling it (which is a perfectly viable reason) you may have wanted an actual reason where none may have existed. Sometimes things just don't feel right, but there isn't a specific explanation for why. All you can do is accept and move on.

 

[Erzengel]

I read too much into things. My first serious girlfriend is on Facebook, you can't add her as a friend due to whatever setting she installed. She would have to request you, etc. So about 4 years ago, I sent her a message saying "hey stranger, long time, ....blah blah....friend request". Never heard anything back. She was my first love, heartbreak etc. and I wasn't really looking to reignite anything, as I'm Facebook friends with quite a few girls that I've either dated, crushed on, etc. Maybe it got buried, maybe she saw it and was like nope. If it's the latter, which gets to my point, I think maybe we all see something different in a past relationship that the other person didn't.

 

[Flash525]

I read too much into things. My first serious girlfriend is on Facebook, you can't add her as a friend due to whatever setting she installed. She would have to request you, etc. So about 4 years ago, I sent her a message saying "hey stranger, long time, ....blah blah....friend request". Never heard anything back. She was my first love, heartbreak etc. and I wasn't really looking to reignite anything, as I'm Facebook friends with quite a few girls that I've either dated, crushed on, etc. Maybe it got buried, maybe she saw it and was like nope. If it's the latter, which gets to my point, I think maybe we all see something different in a past relationship that the other person didn't.

Social Media is a funny thing, some people like to splash their lives around, and others don't. Your ex girlfriend seems like the latter; if she's closed her Facebook off, then for whatever reason, she's a very personal and secretive/private person - I commend her for that if anything.

In your situation, it's more than likely that she simply doesn't feel the need to reinitiate contact with you, regardless of whether your intentions were merely friendly. As far as she (may be) concerned, she's moved on with a different chapter of her life, and doesn't wish to look backwards. Can't really be faulted for that. Your other exes simply might not view their Facebook Friends as anything of particular worth; I've got a very small friends list (under 100), some of which I barely even know. Most of my friends list is family members, friends and colleagues, then again I don't really use Facebook aside from keeping up to date with specific tv series or science-related articles.

I hate to keep comparing everyone here to my situation, but the girl I was dating most recently had Instagram (had Facebook too, but didn't use it). In any case, we followed each other on Instagram for about four weeks - sometime before, or after her last message to me, she'd unfollowed me on Instagram, and blocked me from following her. As per your ex, it stands to reason that these women just want to move on and not look back, and they can't really be blamed for that.

Some people, many people in fact, seem to use social media as some sort of popularity contest, always posting about themselves, and then there's those members with 3000+ 'friends'. Yeah right!

 

[Erzengel]

In your situation, it's more than likely that she simply doesn't feel the need to reinitiate contact with you, regardless of whether your intentions were merely friendly. As far as she (may be) concerned, she's moved on with a different chapter of her life, and doesn't wish to look backwards. Can't really be faulted for that. Your other exes simply might not view their Facebook Friends as anything of particular worth; I've got a very small friends list (under 100), some of which I barely even know. Most of my friends list is family members, friends and colleagues, then again I don't really use Facebook aside from keeping up to date with specific tv series or science-related articles.

You're inferring that I haven't moved on. LOL Since we dated, we've both gotten married. As an aside, back when Myspace was a thing, she did accept that friend request and again, wasn't looking for anything there. Sent her a few Happy Birthday but never bothered her with anything more than that. She never responded in kind. The whole facebook thing wasn't necessarily surprising and honestly, like the topic earlier about closure and staying friends, etc. I mentioned how in hindsight how people saw the same relationship differently. I think the relationship meant more to me than it did to her, and that's cool.

 

[Flash525]

You're inferring that I haven't moved on. LOL Since we dated, we've both gotten married. As an aside, back when Myspace was a thing, she did accept that friend request and again, wasn't looking for anything there. Sent her a few Happy Birthday but never bothered her with anything more than that. She never responded in kind. The whole facebook thing wasn't necessarily surprising and honestly, like the topic earlier about closure and staying friends, etc. I mentioned how in hindsight how people saw the same relationship differently. I think the relationship meant more to me than it did to her, and that's cool.

Sorry, I assumed this was [somewhat] recent. In any case, she obviously isn't interested in reminiscing with you. I wouldn't look or think too much into that.

In any case, you did manage to move on, and that's good to know.

 

[Chris B]

So a small update my situation, she changed her mind on going to lunch the otherday and never suggested another day to go. I haven't really talked to her since then. Needless to say, its not looking good at the moment.

 

[moviedoors]

So a small update my situation, she changed her mind on going to lunch the otherday and never suggested another day to go. I haven't really talked to her since then. Needless to say, its not looking good at the moment.

Sorry. Time to move on.

 

[Flash525]

So a small update my situation, she changed her mind on going to lunch the otherday and never suggested another day to go. I haven't really talked to her since then. Needless to say, its not looking good at the moment.

Sorry. Time to move on.

Sorry to hear this @Chris B , but yeah, the signs are there that this isn't one to peruse. Now comes to struggle to get her out of your mind and continue on with your life. If she's interested, she'll contact you - don't go chasing her cause that'll just seem needy, and (if anything) you'll push her further away if she doesn't decide to simply block your number.

Onwards and Upwards, focus on something else. It sucks. We know. You can overcome it though. The only variant is in how invested with her you became as to how long it'll take you to overcome your thoughts.

 

[Chris B]

Sorry to hear this @Chris B , but yeah, the signs are there that this isn't one to peruse. Now comes to struggle to get her out of your mind and continue on with your life. If she's interested, she'll contact you - don't go chasing her cause that'll just seem needy, and (if anything) you'll push her further away if she doesn't decide to simply block your number.

Onwards and Upwards, focus on something else. It sucks. We know. You can overcome it though. The only variant is in how invested with her you became as to how long it'll take you to overcome your thoughts.

Thanks. I'm just going to leave her alone for now and see what happens. Granted, I don't expect anything to change at this point since I've been in this situation plenty of times before unfortunately.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Thanks. I'm just going to leave her alone for now and see what happens. Granted, I don't expect anything to change at this point since I've been in this situation plenty of times before unfortunately.

Been in he same situation before myself, try and do other things to occupy your mind, I always find exercise helps, just my 2 cents.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Just wondering if anyone can help me with a conundrum I have found myself in with a girl I am dating. We met on holiday a month ago, had sex, albeit briefly and have been dating since. I stayed at her place 2 nights on the run last week, but we didn't have sex. She has said to me a number of times she is not big on sex and doesn't think it's important. I agree to a point but I still like sex personally.

During the 2 nights I stayed she was showing me pictures on her iPad, and I spot a pic of her and some guy having sex. This guy was a friend who she used to sleep with but doesn't anymore according to her, however they are still friends. We have done some other smaller sexual stuff since but nothing close to full sex.

After seeing that picture though, I am thinking why was she willing to sleep with this guy what sounds like quite regularly, but doesn't seem willing to sleep with me at the moment. I am seeing her tonight but don't wish to broach the subject just yet, just wondering what people's thoughts are on the situation?

EDIT: she does have a daughter living with her which I understand makes the situation difficult, but that didn't stop her with this other guy.

Basically I am confused and wondering shall I see how this plays or does it sound like something is amiss to anyone else?

 

[Erzengel]

She may have a lower sexual libido than you, but that doesn't necessarily mean she won't have sex or necessarily doesn't enjoy sex.

It's up to you, if that's an issue or not.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

She may have a lower sexual libido than you, but that doesn't necessarily mean she won't have sex or necessarily doesn't enjoy sex.

It's up to you, if that's an issue or not.

Thanks, do you not think it's strange though that she was willing to have sex with this guy but not me? Or am I just thinking about it too much and should see how it goes?

 

[Erzengel]

I'm assuming that happened before you 2 started dating?

Just because she's not big into sex, doesn't mean she doesn't have sex. She may still get in the mood, it might be not as frequent and maybe during one of those times was when she had sex with him.

About the pic in general, on one hand why anyone would have that "laying around" is beyond me when you are dating, on the other hand, I remember one of my exes sent me "covered' nude photography that is on one of my hard drives from an older computer. But if it was on my current computer/phone/iPad, I'd make sure that wasn't so out in the open.

You've only been dating a month, this is when you are still feeling someone out. See how you guys connect.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

I'm assuming that happened before you 2 started dating?

Just because she's not big into sex, doesn't mean she doesn't have sex. She may still get in the mood, it might be not as frequent and maybe during one of those times was when she had sex with him.

About the pic in general, on one hand why anyone would have that "laying around" is beyond me when you are dating, on the other hand, I remember one of my exes sent me "covered' nude photography that is on one of my hard drives from an older computer. But if it was on my current computer/phone/iPad, I'd make sure that wasn't so out in the open.

You've only been dating a month, this is when you are still feeling someone out. See how you guys connect.

This helps, thanks, I like the girl a lot but this just bothered me a little. The pic wasn't lying around so to speak, I just happened to notice it when she was showing me some other photo's. It was well down on her list so yeahyi presume it was from a while ago and she said as much. II will just see how it goes for now I think. Thanks again.

 

[GunBlade]

Try not to assume the reason has anything to do with you.

 

[Flash525]

@AVEITWITHJAMON , it might not be the case, but you seem a little overly focused on sex here. There's more to a relationship that than, or at least, there should be, unless it's just a 'friend with benefits' you're looking for with this girl?

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Thanks for the advice guys and gals and yeah Flash I know there is more to a relationship than sex but it was just something I found strange, I never mentioned it though

But anyway, as an update she ended things with me the night before last (Tuesday) saying we had no chemistry and she just wanted to be friends. I am very confused right now as literally a week ago we were making plans weeks and months in advance, even going into next year, all prompted by her. We went on a date the night before and all seemed fine and as I say a week ago she was full on with me almost like we were already in a relationship without actually saying we were. I just don’t get how things could change so quickly, and I can’t help think there is another involved as the night before she ended things we were fine, she even gave me a big kiss and hug at the end of the night.

I do think in time I will see it as the right decision as we didn’t have much in common, but it’s just the short turn around that’s confusing me. We went on 3 official dates, but saw each other 6/7 other times for walks, etc. So surely she knew before now if there was no chemistry. I know I will be okay in a few weeks, but the confusion is what’s bothering me most now.

 

[Flash525]

But anyway, as an update she ended things with me the night before last (Tuesday) saying we had no chemistry and she just wanted to be friends. I am very confused right now as literally a week ago we were making plans weeks and months in advance, even going into next year, all prompted by her. We went on a date the night before and all seemed fine and as I say a week ago she was full on with me almost like we were already in a relationship without actually saying we were. I just don’t get how things could change so quickly, and I can’t help think there is another involved as the night before she ended things we were fine, she even gave me a big kiss and hug at the end of the night.

All too relatable I'm afraid. I don't know how much of this thread you've read over the last month or two, but back in August I went on a date (three days talking - and joking on Tinder, then a date arranged); we met up, got on really well (easily the best first date I've ever been on) and after a solid five hours of eating pizza, laughing, joking etc, I walked her home, got a peck on the cheek and a nice warm hug to wrap the evening up. It was kinda' perfect.

We spoke during the week following, still going well, then had our second date the week after where it again was all going nice and smoothly until about 4hrs in where she seemingly became upset and came out with her not feeling (in her gut) that she was ready for a relationship with me; I never quite got whether it was specifically me she didn't want to continue with, or whether she wasn't ready for a relationship plural. In any case, we had a chat, I extended the friendship card, she seemed delighted and we concluded the evening with a long hug and thank you for being such a lovely guy.

Fast forward two weeks, I got a message from her essentially saying "thanks for everything, but it's best if we leave things." I had expected the message due to the conversation seemingly drying up. Suffice to say, we've not spoken since. So alike your situation, everything was going perfectly fine, and then out of nowhere, it hit a wall. You wouldn't believe (or maybe you would, reading what you've wrote) how conflicted my head was, and I've only just got over her. Sounds stupid, but I fell for her hard.

I know she'd had a bad breakup earlier in the year, and I also know that she wasn't of the opinion that boys and girls can be just friends, so whether those two factors contributed to our situation I don't know. Equally, the dating game being what it is, it's possible that she just found someone more ... suited to her than me and opted to continue with them and drop me. I'll never know, but damn, I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt. I don't for one minute think it was malicious, she obviously just wasn't feeling the chemistry that I thought was there.

Upon reflection, I've been on other dates where it's been me who's decided there's no chemistry (long-term) and I've been the one to call it, so it's all relative really; the (two) girls I decided not to see again may have been thinking the same as me/us as in what went wrong etc. It's always different when you're on the receiving end though cause we're more emotionally involved, and emotions suck!

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Yeah I get what you are saying Flash and I am sorry to hear, I have been in and out of this thread so may have missed some of your posts on the matter.

Technically with this girl I had about 9/10 dates if you include walks, coffees, etc, (I don't tend to include those but I know others do) so it just seems strange that things were going so well and at the drop of a hat it was over, it was a shock and I said as much, but wished her nothing but the best of luck in the future.

She did say she still wants to be friends which I agreed to, but I don't see that working out. We don't live close and mix in very different circles.

I will not make contact with her but if she contacts me I won't ignore her and will be happy to have a conversation with her, but there has been no contact so far.

 

[Flash525]

Technically with this girl I had about 9/10 dates if you include walks, coffees, etc, (I don't tend to include those but I know others do) so it just seems strange that things were going so well and at the drop of a hat it was over, it was a shock and I said as much, but wished her nothing but the best of luck in the future.

She did say she still wants to be friends which I agreed to, but I don't see that working out. We don't live close and mix in very different circles.

I will not make contact with her but if she contacts me I won't ignore her and will be happy to have a conversation with her, but there has been no contact so far.

All you can really do in that situation is wish them the best and go your own way I guess. If she genuinely wishes to maintain a friendship, she'll remain in touch, though friendship works two ways, and friendships are different for people; some need continual communication and interaction, whilst others need only be in contact.

I have a friend, probably see her to interact with once every three or four months, but we talk every week or two and maintain communication; she lives about 3hrs drive away. I've other friends who live closer (within 15mins drive) that I've barely even seen this year, and infrequently speak too. It's an odd system, but I guess that ultimately depends on what a friendship means to you.

The situation you've got (as I suppose I had with my failed date) is not to go in thinking it'll develop (again?); instead go in with the expectation that it'll be no more than a friendship. Usually when one person suggests a friendship, the other (usually the one who thought the dating was going fine) will hold onto a false notion that a friendship will develop into romance down the line (which it may, but it shouldn't be the founding reason to stick with the friendship).

In any case, letting her make the next move seems logical seeing as how she was the one who suggested friendship in the first place here. Just don't hold out too much false hope, and if the friendship isn't to be either, just accept it and move on.

There's ultimately no telling what her reasons are, but I'd fathom that either there's someone else on the scene, or it's a simple case that she isn't feeling the romantic spark that she wants too with you, and that's pretty normal. Attraction isn't always two ways as I'm sure everyone here is aware of.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Aaaah, Friendships.

In my experience, if single, one is more 'dependent' to a certain degree on them and friends in general for communication & interaction. Once you have a relationship, friends become less & gaps widen in the contact. That's been the case in reaction to me as a friend. I've always been the one to keep the friendship 'alive' by way of planning or being the one to pick up the phone and I got real ill around six years ago, and I don't have a relationship or children or a family or any of those things my friends do (in the majority) and as you get older, the need to have friendships they way they are structured in your 20's simply does not happen and so when I got ill and had to distance myself to get better and re-evaluate things, the gap occurred and to be honest, has never really been brought back in frame as such. They don't contact me and I'm angry they didn't contact me during a period of time I nearly died so that demonstrates the value of it all. Family life and children become, understandably the focus and so the need for friends lessens as you have a partner and a new circle through that partnership to concentrate on whilst being a parent, obviously and understandably takes precedence.

I rarely see anyone as my long-term friends are all long-distance (300 miles plus) and I see local friends every 2-3 months I suppose. My long standing friends I'll try and see 3-4 times a year, those that I've kept in contact with.

 

[Flash525]

I'd say I probably have two close friends (one of which is my brother), two just friends, one who is involved when it's convenient for him (it seems), another of which is involved when he's not busy (so also convenient), one that lives some distance away as mentioned, and a couple that live about 45mins away that I'll also see every couple of months.

Excluding my brother, the couple and the friend that lives away, I, alike you Mandon, am always the one that has to organise. I know for a fact (because it's happened in the past) if it wasn't for me, the others simply wouldn't be bothered. I have one friend in particular, long story short, I got fed up with always organising him that I simply stopped, thinking that he'd get the message, it then took about two years before I saw or spoke to him again because he simply hadn't bothered. If it wasn't for another friend organising something to which he was invited, I doubt I'd still see him as a friend.

I do think though that in any social circle, there's always the organiser. In our cases, it's us, though I can relate to how god damn frustrating it is. I do think it's disgusting that your old friends didn't care enough to stay in touch when you were on deaths door though. Why would anyone want people like that in their lives?

Friends are defiantly harder to make the older you get too I think; people generally have more friends when in school and college, and then make some at work, but there's usually two or three initial friends that you stick with for life.

Relationships (of the romantic kind) do play a part in that though, because you become more dependant on your spouse than your friends, which is great until (of if) the relationship falls apart and then you find yourself alone.

The thing here though, regarding friends after dates, is the one person will often still want more, which can complicate a friendship if the person who only wants friends realises that uneasy attraction coming their way. It kinda' puts them in an uncomfortable position, and that makes complete sense. Friends are best made by chance, rather than a failed date; if anything, a friendship after a failed date will come about months afterwards, or maybe even by a chance meeting (bumping into) said person at a later occasion and going for a coffee or something. I can't imagine many failed dates actually result in long-term friendships.

 

[Mandon Knight]

The 'staying friends' after the break down of a relationship is a complete 'myth', that's promised at the time because you both want to 'hang onto something with some credence or substance' but it comes down to this, do two people who don't want to spend the rest of their allotted time together and share life in an equal way really want to share a coffee whilst discussing how said life (you know, the one, one or both of them didn't want a part of) is going. Er...no.

My only real relationship (to date) ended with me being dumped and we had to stay pleasant due to the filming of my film we were making (she was cast, its how we met) and I was writing, producing, directing and actually we got on much better not in the relationship than we ever did together, but it was still hard to be on set, but you have to be the bigger person and see what you are making and be a gent.