The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[Flash525]

Yea we can travel for exercise and can meet up in small groups outdoors. Only issue with going for a walking date is the weather where I live can be quite bad, it rains alot. An hour and a little would do most walks which is the perfect amount of time for a first date I think. Only issue I can really think of is that if it goes well what can you do for the second? Another walk would be boring.

I'm only on the other side of the country (or kingdom?) to you, here in wet and rainy England, so I can appreciate your position with the weather, however...

Why would a second walk be boring? If you're going to be with someone long-term, I'd imagine a lot of walking is going to be involved. If the chemistry is there it won't matter.

You can always mix it up a bit too; a hilly hike one day, a riverside (or canal?) stroll the next. Another idea would be an arboretum of some sort, or woodland?

I had a Skype date with a girl during the first lockdown. Other than my phone running out of charge halfway through it went fine so I could make more use of that. I've seen a few people use the new Animal Crossing for dates, if a girl I'm talking to has it it's something I could suggest too. It may be an unusual date but then again these are unusual times.

Animal Farm?

 

[InCali]

I'm only on the other side of the country (or kingdom?) to you, here in wet and rainy England, so I can appreciate your position with the weather, however...

Why would a second walk be boring? If you're going to be with someone long-term, I'd imagine a lot of walking is going to be involved. If the chemistry is there it won't matter.

You can always mix it up a bit too; a hilly hike one day, a riverside (or canal?) stroll the next. Another idea would be an arboretum of some sort, or woodland?

Animal Farm?

Maybe GG meant boring for the other person or was just worried it might be boring??? For myself, I've been in relationships where, if someone was looking in on the outside, they might "think" that we were bored. I remember once sitting in a a hotel room all day with it raining raining outside, ordering room service, and just whittling the day away reading or watching TV and there's nothing boring about it if you're with the right person.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Animal Farm?

No, Animal Crossing! It's a game. You can interact with other players.

 

[Flash525]

No, Animal Crossing! It's a game. You can interact with other players.

I meant to say Crossing Still, a game based on a farm where you can have virtual dates?

We truly are in a brave new world.

 

[Erzengel]

Anyone here gone through a divorce?

I have someone very close to me go through a divorce. [I know it's not the same.] He wanted a divorce when they were a few months into having a child. He wasn't sure, needed to find himself, etc. He made several attempts to be a family but it never lasted long and inevitably they got divorced. I feel in the end they wanted different things. I'm sure I'm very biased, but I think he didn't mind being married as life didn't really change. He still worked in the City, still went out, sometimes he would spend the night at a friends. But with marriage, came a wife, then a house and then a child and I don't think it was what he really wanted.

 

[Donner]

I have someone very close to me go through a divorce. [I know it's not the same.] He wanted a divorce when they were a few months into having a child. He wasn't sure, needed to find himself, etc. He made several attempts to be a family but it never lasted long and inevitably they got divorced. I feel in the end they wanted different things. I'm sure I'm very biased, but I think he didn't mind being married as life didn't really change. He still worked in the City, still went out, sometimes he would spend the night at a friends. But with marriage, came a wife, then a house and then a child and I don't think it was what he really wanted.

How long were they together for (including dating)?

 

[Erzengel]

Dated 6 years, got married and then after 5 years is when she got pregnant.

 

[Donner]

Dated 6 years, got married and then after 5 years is when she got pregnant.

And after that he got a divorce.

I can't imagine the uncoupling that took. I'm trying to figure it out now and it gives me anxiety to try and untangle 9 years.

 

[InCali]

And after that he got a divorce.

I can't imagine the uncoupling that took. I'm trying to figure it out now and it gives me anxiety to try and untangle 9 years.

While I've only been married once, I've had a few, serious, "pretty" long term relationships; all of which (obviously) were broken off. I think we all react differently, but I found that I had a tendency to be a little down whether I was the one to break it off or not. I think we tend to get used to day to day life and the change, to a greater or lesser degree, throws us off for awhile.

Fortunately, I had a close knit group of personal and union friends to help me keep busy. Right now isn't the best time to socialize and I think that makes things a little more tricky in terms of keeping a level outlook on life.

One thing the both of you might consider is that there is a lot of stress on relationships right now and in another 6-8 months, you might find divorce to be a mistake, but it depends on the circumstances. I haven't been home a lot because I've been taking care of my mom during the pandemic and this might be a blessing in disguise.

 

[Erzengel]

And after that he got a divorce.

I can't imagine the uncoupling that took. I'm trying to figure it out now and it gives me anxiety to try and untangle 9 years.

She also had a newborn baby to take care of to somewhat distract her but love turned to hurt/pain which later turned to anger/resentment.

It's like anything, you've invested 9 years in a relationship and I know I can't speak for all couples, but how does that person not become your best friend/closest confident/partner? And then you're not. It'll suck for a while. Days become weeks, which become months and absence will probably at least make it a little easier until you get to your new normal.

 

[Donner]

She also had a newborn baby to take care of to somewhat distract her but love turned to hurt/pain which later turned to anger/resentment.

It's like anything, you've invested 9 years in a relationship and I know I can't speak for all couples, but how does that person not become your best friend/closest confident/partner? And then you're not. It'll suck for a while. Days become weeks, which become months and absence will probably at least make it a little easier until you get to your new normal.

That's the rub. He's not my closest friend or confidant. That's why I want to move on. We don't have sex unless I initiate (seriously, for at least 5 years now I've done all the work) and he can be pretty dismissive when I want to talk about something. He's only chatty when he's drunk otherwise it's "fine", "good enough", "all good" responses. Every big decision in our relationship I've pushed for, moving in, getting married (he didn't propose, we just agreed to get married), moving away, buying a house without a realtor. I do all of the heavy lifting.

And our values are different. He's getting into more and more extreme types of hobbies like scrambling difficult routes and mountaineering and I'm scared of heights, but he insists I come with him and then gets annoyed when I have a panic attack.

I also despise his mother and he wants her to live with us one day. I know that will never be an option for me.

I feel like divorce is the right thing but I've never broken up with anyone and I don't want to end up regretting this.

 

[spiderman2]

That's the rub. He's not my closest friend or confidant. That's why I want to move on. We don't have sex unless I initiate (seriously, for at least 5 years now I've done all the work) and he can be pretty dismissive when I want to talk about something. He's only chatty when he's drunk otherwise it's "fine", "good enough", "all good" responses. Every big decision in our relationship I've pushed for, moving in, getting married (he didn't propose, we just agreed to get married), moving away, buying a house without a realtor. I do all of the heavy lifting.

And our values are different. He's getting into more and more extreme types of hobbies like scrambling difficult routes and mountaineering and I'm scared of heights, but he insists I come with him and then gets annoyed when I have a panic attack.

I also despise his mother and he wants her to live with us one day. I know that will never be an option for me.

I feel like divorce is the right thing but I've never broken up with anyone and I don't want to end up regretting this.

Well divorce is a big thing. How long have you been feeling like this? I see the sex thing and that is big but has he been that way with talking to for just has long? I mean like 5 years of saying fine good enough etc? Sounds like maybe you just grew apart/didn't know him has well has you thought when you got married.

 

[Erzengel]

That's the rub. He's not my closest friend or confidant. That's why I want to move on. We don't have sex unless I initiate (seriously, for at least 5 years now I've done all the work) and he can be pretty dismissive when I want to talk about something. He's only chatty when he's drunk otherwise it's "fine", "good enough", "all good" responses. Every big decision in our relationship I've pushed for, moving in, getting married (he didn't propose, we just agreed to get married), moving away, buying a house without a realtor. I do all of the heavy lifting.

And our values are different. He's getting into more and more extreme types of hobbies like scrambling difficult routes and mountaineering and I'm scared of heights, but he insists I come with him and then gets annoyed when I have a panic attack.

I also despise his mother and he wants her to live with us one day. I know that will never be an option for me.

I feel like divorce is the right thing but I've never broken up with anyone and I don't want to end up regretting this.

You are never going to find someone who's 100% of what you're looking for, however, you have to have enough to be somewhat compatible. Would it matter if he did those hobbies, if you spent enough quality time together, you communicated and you had decent sexual chemistry? Probably not. But when the cons of being with someone heavily outweigh the pros, what are you going to do?

You can end up not getting divorced and regretting it. Maybe you were 2 different people when you met however, it sounds like since you pushed for moving in, marriage, etc., that he hasn't really changed and maybe you hoped he would. You should know him better than anyone, do you think he would change? Cause I feel you already have your answer.

 

[Donner]

You are never going to find someone who's 100% of what you're looking for, however, you have to have enough to be somewhat compatible. Would it matter if he did those hobbies, if you spent enough quality time together, you communicated and you had decent sexual chemistry? Probably not. But when the cons of being with someone heavily outweigh the pros, what are you going to do?

You can end up not getting divorced and regretting it. Maybe you were 2 different people when you met however, it sounds like since you pushed for moving in, marriage, etc., that he hasn't really changed and maybe you hoped he would. You should know him better than anyone, do you think he would change? Cause I feel you already have your answer.

I think I met him too young and had no idea what I really wanted and now that I'm figuring that out, we're diverging.

I'm worried he'll be angry and that I wasted almost a decade of his life.

 

[Donner]

Well divorce is a big thing. How long have you been feeling like this? I see the sex thing and that is big but has he been that way with talking to for just has long? I mean like 5 years of saying fine good enough etc? Sounds like maybe you just grew apart/didn't know him has well has you thought when you got married.

He was different before. More affectionate and we did lots of things together like ski and hike and he was supportive. But now it's like I have to get better at those things and be on his level.

 

[Erzengel]

I think I met him too young and had no idea what I really wanted and now that I'm figuring that out, we're diverging.

I'm worried he'll be angry and that I wasted almost a decade of his life.

He may be angry but if you think/feel you've been trying for years and have exhausted everything? Maybe he's happy with the comfortableness he's in but that doesn't necessarily mean you are. Eventually you have to think of yours.

 

[Erzengel]

Good luck in whatever you decide. The fact that you are still considering your husband's feelings means that you are not taking this decision lightly.

 

[InCali]

My wife is a therapist so I tend to go in this direction, but I suggest counseling. It might be a good idea for both of you to see someone individually and together. He sounds like he might not be open to this and, if not, I would see someone in order to get your own feelings straight.

As was mentioned, the fact that you are considering his feelings says something good about you, but you have a life also. If he doesn't consider your feelings, you are probably better off without carrying the weight. If you see long term difficulties, it's best to not wait until they are upon you. Best to you.

 

[Donner]

I've told him before that I wanted to go to marriage counselling because I feel like we don't communicate very well and he refused. So I went to therapy by myself and he likes to ask me when I come home from a session how my "complaining session about him" went.

So that has been fun.

Thank you guys for your advice and support. I know what I need to do, it's just about working up the courage to stick by the decision.

 

[InCali]

I've told him before that I wanted to go to marriage counselling because I feel like we don't communicate very well and he refused. So I went to therapy by myself and he likes to ask me when I come home from a session how my "complaining session about him" went.

So that has been fun.

Thank you guys for your advice and support. I know what I need to do, it's just about working up the courage to stick by the decision.

Changes like this are difficult and scary. Use whatever friendship/support system you have. One really small thing I've done in the past is to treat myself to something I really like; something I get excited about. That and rely on my friends for support and enjoyment.

 

[MissMarvelous]

@Elektra1 - have you ever mentioned the divorce to him before or not yet?

I also remember you mentioning something about someone from work, do you still have the same feelings for that person?

 

[Donner]

@Elektra1 - have you ever mentioned the divorce to him before or not yet?

I also remember you mentioning something about someone from work, do you still have the same feelings for that person?

I have, but he always thinks I'm joking. I've said it before that maybe we're better off as roommates and he just jokes that he'll take the cat from me.

And yes, I do.

 

[InCali]

I have, but he always thinks I'm joking. I've said it before that maybe we're better off as roommates and he just jokes that he'll take the cat from me.

And yes, I do.

Other than talking to a professional, I don't like giving advice much. As a friend of mine once said "I don't like advice because it doesn't cost the people giving it anything and they don't have to take their own."

I would say be very careful about getting back into another relationship. When you are trying to find your own way, it's often better to focus on just that. It can also engender animosity from your ex and can spill over into the new relationship.

Laughing off a subject like divorce or the breakup of a long term relationship is probably a way to gloss over a serious subject rather than not really taking it seriously. It's probably best to make it a serious discussion by confronting his joking directly. It so much depends on the temperament of the person involved. No 2 people are alike and what works for one may not work for the other. My wife and I have raised 2 children and child rearing is an art; not a science. It's the same for a partnership.

 

[Donner]

For someone who doesn't like giving advice, you say the same things as my therapist haha.

I definitely appreciate your outlook and I think you're right on the money. Thank you.

 

[InCali]

For someone who doesn't like giving advice, you say the same things as my therapist haha.

I definitely appreciate your outlook and I think you're right on the money. Thank you.

It's probably contagious and I caught it from my wife.

I almost became a therapist myself. One of my profs at UC who took me under his wing strongly encouraged me to do so, but I decided to become an engineer. Go figure......

Glad you're talking to someone. Take care.