The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[theastsunnn]

And if the child doesn't?

it would. because I’m already selfless. I fine everything I have to people who aren’t even my blood. But it might not happen and that’s what depresses me

 

[Babillygunn]

Dude, it would NOT be fair to a child to place an expectation on them that they give your life purpose. That is parenting out of dysfunction. If you are depressed then you need to see a good counselor and get healthy. Because you need to be parenting from a place of health, and not the other way around.

 

[Erzengel]

Unplanned pregnancies happen all the time, couples and even single people have to deal with it. However, children aren't a solution to problems whether a couple's problems or an individual problems. The fact that you don't necessarily care who the mother of your child is, as long as you have a child is a big red flag in your current relationship. I agree with Babilly, I think you should speak with a counselor/therapist, etc.

 

[theastsunnn]

Dude, it would NOT be fair to a child to place an expectation on them that they give your life purpose. That is parenting out of dysfunction. If you are depressed then you need to see a good counselor and get healthy. Because you need to be parenting from a place of health, and not the other way around.

But it’s ok for people to have multiple kids with multiple women and never see their kids? Or people having 5/6 kids with no jobs or a plethora of other bad reasons? To want my blood and a part of me to be on earth when I’m gone is good enough for me and luckily I don’t have to have one with you or get your blessing. But luckily for you I probably won’t have any kids anyway.

 

[Babillygunn]

But it’s ok for people to have multiple kids with multiple women and never see their kids? Or people having 5/6 kids with no jobs or a plethora of other bad reasons? To want my blood and a part of me to be on earth when I’m gone is good enough for me and luckily I don’t have to have one with you or get your blessing. But luckily for you I probably won’t have any kids anyway.

Wow. That went south really fast.

My apologies. I meant no disrespect. I assumed that you came on here seeking advice. You said that you wanted a child in order to give your life purpose and that you were depressed. I simply intended to provide a perspective that laying on a child the burden of giving your life fulfillment isn’t realistic to the child or to you. I simply wanted to suggest that if you are depressed that addressing that challenge maybe would be a good priority and then having a child would be a good secondary goal/desire. Again, there’s nothing wrong with therapy and I meant no disrespect in suggesting it.

I know that I joke around a lot on these boards, but being real here for a second, my advice comes from a sincere spot and I am very sympathetic to what you are going through.
My wife and I tried for 10 years to have a child. We had our first child die in utero and she had to have a d&c procedure to have it removed. We tried forever after that. We finally adopted a child and it was the most amazing experience in our lives. But with adoptions come attachment and other challenges, which took a lot of hard work as parents.
My wife became pregnant a year and a half after the adoption. It was an insanely difficult pregnancy with prolonged bed rest and preterm labor. When my wife finally had our youngest son (6 weeks early) I caught mono in the hospital. I was terribly sick for weeks with a fever that would on several occasions spike to 104 degrees. After that I ran into challenges at work and then my father died. I sank into a deep depression for a couple of years. I was a terrible father during my kids’ toddler years. And I was a bad husband. I moped around all the time and wasn’t emotionally present for anyone. The mono impacted my adrenal system and my brain chemistry was just out of wack. I couldn’t get beyond myself.

Finally, I had to get some help in order to get clarity. With a lot of help, I was able to work out a lot of issues. I think that I’m a better husband and father now but I really have to work at it even now. Both being a husband and a father is incredibly hard. I know you say that you are “selfless,” but truth is, all people are naturally selfish. We act in our own best interests. Call it evolution, call it sin, call it whatever…it’s just how we are hard-wired. But you have to go against the grain of that when you are a parent. And from my experience, I know that I really struggled to do that when I was depressed. And I wanted to compassionately express that to you.

For what it’s worth, I know the feeling of the pain of not having a child when you want one. For me, I really wanted the relationship of having a son. (Admittedly, I don’t understand the desire of “leaving your blood, or seed behind.”). But I remember the freedom that my wife and I experienced when one day we came to the realization that a child would not “complete” us. And it wasn’t until we reached that level of health that we were really ready to move on with being parents.

 

[theastsunnn]

Wow. That went south really fast.

My apologies. I meant no disrespect. I assumed that you came on here seeking advice. You said that you wanted a child in order to give your life purpose and that you were depressed. I simply intended to provide a perspective that laying on a child the burden of giving your life fulfillment isn’t realistic to the child or to you. I simply wanted to suggest that if you are depressed that addressing that challenge maybe would be a good priority and then having a child would be a good secondary goal/desire. Again, there’s nothing wrong with therapy and I meant no disrespect in suggesting it.

I know that I joke around a lot on these boards, but being real here for a second, my advice comes from a sincere spot and I am very sympathetic to what you are going through.
My wife and I tried for 10 years to have a child. We had our first child die in utero and she had to have a d&c procedure to have it removed. We tried forever after that. We finally adopted a child and it was the most amazing experience in our lives. But with adoptions come attachment and other challenges, which took a lot of hard work as parents.
My wife became pregnant a year and a half after the adoption. It was an insanely difficult pregnancy with prolonged bed rest and preterm labor. When my wife finally had our youngest son (6 weeks early) I caught mono in the hospital. I was terribly sick for weeks with a fever that would on several occasions spike to 104 degrees. After that I ran into challenges at work and then my father died. I sank into a deep depression for a couple of years. I was a terrible father during my kids’ toddler years. And I was a bad husband. I moped around all the time and wasn’t emotionally present for anyone. The mono impacted my adrenal system and my brain chemistry was just out of wack. I couldn’t get beyond myself.

Finally, I had to get some help in order to get clarity. With a lot of help, I was able to work out a lot of issues. I think that I’m a better husband and father now but I really have to work at it even now. Both being a husband and a father is incredibly hard. I know you say that you are “selfless,” but truth is, all people are naturally selfish. We act in our own best interests. Call it evolution, call it sin, call it whatever…it’s just how we are hard-wired. But you have to go against the grain of that when you are a parent. And from my experience, I know that I really struggled to do that when I was depressed. And I wanted to compassionately express that to you.

For what it’s worth, I know the feeling of the pain of not having a child when you want one. For me, I really wanted the relationship of having a son. (Admittedly, I don’t understand the desire of “leaving your blood, or seed behind.”). But I remember the freedom that my wife and I experienced when one day we came to the realization that a child would not “complete” us. And it wasn’t until we reached that level of health that we were really ready to move on with being parents.

I wanted to clarify that I meant no disrespect. I appreciate any feedback. Criticism of my words and actions I take. I invite it all. I didn’t mean to upset you and was only giving my perspective of not needing anyone to understand or fully agree with my reasoning. I do know the struggles I ask for this path if I’m ever blessed to be fortunate enough. I’m sorry for what you went thru. I’ve been depressed since a teen and in and out of therapy and rehabs since then. Meds, groups, whatever it hasn’t helped. I’m sorry for the struggles you went thru with your family and your loss. I know I’ll never have kids because I got a woman pregnant a decade ago and I told her to get an abortion. She did. The gift that I want as an old man I spat in the face of life when I was younger and my punishment is to never get that chance again. I was drinking a lot back then and wasn’t in my right mind but doesn’t matter. I have to die with my decisions and where I’m at with my depression of life. I truly don’t deserve a second chance for how I treated my chance that first time. I’m not a good person and I deserve this hell I’ve created

 

[Babillygunn]

Dude. None of us deserve second chances. If we did, they wouldn’t be called second chances, they’d be called compensation for services rendered. But in the ledger of life, I know that I mess up more than I get right.

I do believe that we experience unmerited grace in life, even when we mess up. And I hope that you experience that.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Once there was a user... can't remember if he left or got blocked. Somehow, this whole thing remembered me of him, maybe even the avy. He really needed someone in his corner and a good therapist.

I happen to know quite well both depression and anxiety since two of the most important women in my life suffer from them. It's not easy, for anybody (not the one suffering from either depression and/or anxiety or the people around them).

It's something that will hunt you for life, I believe. But if there's one thing that I know, for sure, is that kids are not the cure. That's what therapy, meds and your support group are for.

 

[theastsunnn]

Gf came over to check on me even though I told her I needed space. I opened up about everything like I did here and didn’t care if I sounded crazy about my goals and what u want out of life. I had tears it felt good to tell my fears. Told me to control what I can control or I’ll go crazy. I thanked her, sent bed, set my alarm for my 4 am workout and will do my best to be my best version. Thanks to you all too for your honest thoughts.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Gf came over to check on me even though I told her I needed space. I opened up about everything like I did here and didn’t care if I sounded crazy about my goals and what u want out of life. I had tears it felt good to tell my fears. Told me to control what I can control or I’ll go crazy. I thanked her, sent bed, set my alarm for my 4 am workout and will do my best to be my best version. Thanks to you all too for your honest thoughts.

And how did you feel after that?

Better, I hope!

 

[theastsunnn]

And how did you feel after that?

Better, I hope!

I did. I’m going to work my tail off to not stress about what I can’t control. I have to get it thru my thick skull. Thank you

 

[Lily Adler]

Apparently this is a thing on Tinder. Height seems to be very important and is an immediate yes or no.

 

[Chris B]

Apparently this is a thing on Tinder. Height seems to be very important and is an immediate yes or no.

I've seen some women writing on their profiles on somewhere like Match saying not to bother if you're under 6 foot. Luckily they're the minority.

 

[theastsunnn]

Got pretty because I’ve told my gf I don’t like traveling, but will still go when she has her heart set on something. She rented a RV, I know I’m going to do most of if not all the driving 9 hrs away and I told her leave Friday come home Sunday, but one day wasn’t enough and now we’ll be back Monday. I got upset and apologized for having my own desires, hobbies and opinions. I wanted one day of rest before work, but couldn’t get that.

 

[Erzengel]

Why don't you take another day off then before work?

 

[theastsunnn]

Why don't you take another day off then before work?

why should I have to use my time? I thought I was making enough sacrifice going although I’ve made it clear I don’t like to vacation. She said 3 days I said 2 and thought I was meeting in middle.

 

[Erzengel]

What do you like to do when you are on vacation?

 

[theastsunnn]

What do you like to do when you are on vacation?

I don’t go on vacation. It’s not my thing. I don’t want to be convinced otherwise. But when I go I guess walk around. Not spend money just because I’m in another city. Money I don’t have. The problem is we have different hobbies. I like to workout she doesn’t. We don’t like the same TV show of music. Yes, I know you’re going to say good a more compatible partner, but we’re going to keep going until we realize we can’t. As we continue problems will arise because of things we don’t like doing and will eventually hit a point where it can’t be crossed further

 

[Erzengel]

Maybe we should take a step back. Are you at a job where you get paid time off? Vacation isn't always traveling, you can do a staycation, just not work.

 

[MissMarvelous]

I hope both of you realize (ASAP) that it's sad to be trapped in that kind of "relationship" and find someone more suitable for each one.

Wish you all the best!

 

[Erzengel]

I hope both of you realize (ASAP) that it's sad to be trapped in that kind of "relationship" and find someone more suitable for each one.

Wish you all the best!

I've rewritten this post a bunch of times because I'm not exactly sure how to respond to this.

When I first started dating my wife, she liked to go to a shore town and cruising around the Caribbean.. She was happy to spend the whole day at the beach and when we cruised, each day we would just go to a different beach. I wasn't really a fan. I liked to explore the surrounding area, both natural and things to do, see, eat, etc. But all this stuff made her happy, and I wanted to be around her when she was happy. Fast forward years later, we are more sun conscious and in these beach places, there's other things to do besides hit the beach, that we ventured out to. But I think it helps that we do have a lot of other similar interests,. Now when we vacation, we are more in sync with our interests and our itinerary is based on input from both of us.

 

[theastsunnn]

Eh people with less in common have stayed together. I don’t know what’s working but we’ve been together over a year now.

 

[MissMarvelous]

I've rewritten this post a bunch of times because I'm not exactly sure how to respond to this.

Me neither, really.

And I may, or may not be, be putting myself on someone else's shoes and whenever I read: I want my space, I want to left alone, I don't want to do this/that, I don't like that... is: how can they possibly be happy?

Is it because people don't want to be single? Are they able to enjoy their loneliness? Are they scared of being alone?

Of course, we don't get the whole picture, only bits of their experiences and feelings. I surely am romanticizing (?) The whole idea of having a partner, but aren't you supposed to be living "la vie en rose" during the first year, at least? Ups and downs are welcome but if most of the times are downs... emmm

 

[Babillygunn]

Yeah. This is a hard one to weigh in on. I’d like to know the girlfriend’s perspective on it. It’s also important to know, how did you react to feeling inconvenienced from someone wanting to take a 3 day vacation with you rather than a 2 day vacation? Did you calmly try to talk with her beforehand? Or did you act irritated the entire time? Or did you blow up at her?

I have a hard time seeing this being a healthy long term relationship with (admittedly) what very little information that we are getting here.

 

[theastsunnn]

Yeah. This is a hard one to weigh in on. I’d like to know the girlfriend’s perspective on it. It’s also important to know, how did you react to feeling inconvenienced from someone wanting to take a 3 day vacation with you rather than a 2 day vacation? Did you calmly try to talk with her beforehand? Or did you act irritated the entire time? Or did you blow up at her?

I have a hard time seeing this being a healthy long term relationship with (admittedly) what very little information that we are getting here.

It’s just she knows I don’t like to vacation and then to say in a month we’re renting a rv and driving 8 hours to go somewhere and I’ll be doing all the driving was a lot to prepare for knowing this upcoming weekend I have to spend one day driving to see her mother and the next going to a reunion I was frustrated about my time. I didn’t blow up though I just said I can’t do three days because I would like one to myself to rest before work. I am committed to making this work, so will do something else to make up to her.