The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts!

[Matt Mortem]

Finally met the perfect girl at film school. We've just started dating. Things are finally looking up

 

[webhead9707]

Finally met the perfect girl at film school. We've just started dating. Things are finally looking up

Congratulations!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

It is a case of literally EVERY WOMEN I have ever pursued any sort of romantic or sexual interest in has wanted nothing to do with me. A couple of 'em just took a bit longer to figure it out.

Evey man I have ever pursued any sort of romantic interest in has rejected me too. No man has ever loved me, no man has ever even wanted to stick around for anything but the use of my lady parts... Other than a guy who was gay and dating me to cover it up.

But you don't hear me saying no man is EVER going to like me, do you?

What's your excuse?

Saying that absolutely ALL women don't like you is as logical to me as denying the possibilities of life on other planets in the universe?

Of all the billions of possibilities, how can you not acknowledge that at least one could very well have that spark?

Who knows how long it might take? And who knows... It's possible it might never happen. But hey, I'm not hideous, I am a fun, patient and kind person, I have passions and hobbies and respect for life. You'd think I stood a fair chance!

Finally met the perfect girl at film school. We've just started dating. Things are finally looking up

WOOOOOOOOOO!

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I know you've dated outside of your department. I know you've dated back in California. I never thought you have trouble hooking up in college. I thought you'd have trouble sustaining a relationship because you at the least 8 years older than the girls you seemed to pursue which seemed like mostly from you college.

And I do understand, that even 30 year old women could be immature, that guys can date girls that much younger and it happens frequently, and you live in a college town where most women in their mid to late 20s are otherwise taken. But you don't think when you move, you'd not going to have maybe a wider selection of choices?

And I remember you mentioned, you tried dating near your job which I believe was in a mall. If I was single today, I doubt I could just go to Forever 21 and try and pick up someone there. I also have criteria that I would want someone who's a professional who's not waiting tables, or working as a salesperson in retail.

I really can empathize. High school, through a lot of college, through my 4 year job were very lean years in those environments. Honestly, compared to those 3 environments, you outdid me in college. And I was late dating compared to my friends. I'm sure you can say well at least you had someone interested by college, but trust me, it was a long time coming for someone who's wanted a date since he was 12.

I believe that its just going to be a larger selection of women to reject me. There's no reason to believe otherwise since women of all demographics reject me.

I tried dating ONE girl that worked at the mall, and one girl that came into my work, we had a nice conversation and gave me her # and never responded to a single one of my attempts at contact. I wasn't lurking the mall looking for tail.

 

[Boy Scout]

Do you even want to date at this point?

 

[Erzengel]

I believe that its just going to be a larger selection of women to reject me. There's no reason to believe otherwise since women of all demographics reject me.

I tried dating ONE girl that worked at the mall, and one girl that came into my work, we had a nice conversation and gave me her # and never responded to a single one of my attempts at contact. I wasn't lurking the mall looking for tail.

If you want to give up, that's fine. But, it's almost a self fulfilling prophecy, you don't think anything will change, you make no effort, oh you're right.

I think more people would rather at least try then give up regardless of how many times things didn't pan out.

 

[jaymes_e06]

I think every time I've had a significant relationship is right after I've given up on finding a woman.

 

[webhead9707]

I think every time I've had a significant relationship is right after I've given up on finding a woman.

Well that bodes well for me and Nell.t:

 

[Matt Mortem]

I think every time I've had a significant relationship is right after I've given up on finding a woman.

That's what I did. I stopped giving a **** and then life gave me this amazing woman

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

If you want to give up, that's fine. But, it's almost a self fulfilling prophecy, you don't think anything will change, you make no effort, oh you're right.

I think more people would rather at least try then give up regardless of how many times things didn't pan out.

I've been trying.

For 30 years.

Okay, not 30 years, but ever since I could recognize the difference between boys and girls I've been "trying".

And throughout that time, my experiences have proven that it's not going to happen. So why keep putting myself into that position and keep trying when experience have proven that women will only hurt me?

It hasn't been just one social group of 18 - 22 year old college women that are 8-10 years younger than me that have been rejecting me for the past 4 years. It's been women of all sorts of demographics, every single time, for my entire life.

You say moving is going to change things. But changing the selection pool has never changed things. So why would it now?

Me changing myself hasn't helped. Me changing the sorts of girls I go after hasn't helped. Me changing my approach and my methods hasn't helped.

There's one common denominator: me liking girls.

So despite Anita's protests, there's obviously something with -ME-, with who or what I am, that repels women away from me and makes them want nothing to do with me on a romantic or sexual relationship level.

So no, going back to California won't change anything romantically or sexually.

 

[Anubis]

Okay, fine. Whatevers.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

So since my last post trying to direct you towards optimism seems to have been ignored, I'll try again:

I've been trying.

For 30 years.

Okay, not 30 years, but ever since I could recognize the difference between boys and girls I've been "trying".

Relationships aren't always something you try at for a certain amount of time while your young until you 'win' one and it's happily ever after.

Even if you met the perfect girl tomorrow, and in a year you were married - a year later you might not be and you'd be back to square one, back to trying once again.

My mum's still trying and she's 63. She found one committed relationship her entire life 8 years ago (my dad was a fling), and now that's over too.

She might never find another guy... But there is still a flicker of hope in her mind that she could. And she'll keep her mind open and her eye out till she dies.

And throughout that time, my experiences have proven that it's not going to happen. So why keep putting myself into that position and keep trying when experience have proven that women will only hurt me?.

That's life?

TBH, you can yell 'I've given up trying to find a girl' from the rooftops until your blue in the face, but it won't make it true.

The very fact that you post in this thread and that you express such dismay at your 'failure' to find someone, shows how much it matters to you.

And it's not just you. Human beings are just built that way. Even the rare people who spend their entire lives as a loner, sometimes consider what it'd be like to be close to someone of the opposite sex.

You really think you can just turn that off?

It hasn't been just one social group of 18 - 22 year old college women that are 8-10 years younger than me that have been rejecting me for the past 4 years. It's been women of all sorts of demographics, every single time, for my entire life.

You say moving is going to change things. But changing the selection pool has never changed things. So why would it now?
.

Because any combination of circumstances could lead to one moment in which you meet ONE person your compatible with.

Just think about how complicated and unpredictable life is.

I mean, how did your parents meet?

Sometimes I muse on the fact that if my mum hadn't gone into that AA meeting in London, and she'd never met my dad, and they'd never gone home that night and put on Phil Collins 'True Colours' and did the business... I'd never exist.

That was absolute chance.

And that's also how a relationship happens for most people. Chance! Luck. Being in the right place at the right time.

Me changing myself hasn't helped. Me changing the sorts of girls I go after hasn't helped. Me changing my approach and my methods hasn't helped.

Stop trying to change. Stop trying to force it.

The right girl will happen naturally, because they like you. Not because you faked it just right.

There's one common denominator: me liking girls.

So despite Anita's protests, there's obviously something with -ME-, with who or what I am, that repels women away from me and makes them want nothing to do with me on a romantic or sexual relationship level.

Same with me on a romatic level. Obviously I am very unappealing in terms of g/f material to the vast majority of men out there... (Although there may well have been men I've met along the way who would have liked me as a g/f but nothing ever happened because I wasn't interested in them and never made a move, who knows.)

It doesn't matter.

So you're not someone who can 'have anyone you want' like a friend of mine is (seriously, she's never single, she's gorgeous and fun and really into commitment).

That doesn't mean what you eventually find will be any less worth having or any less special.

In fact, IMO it means more.

I figure once I've waited an entire lifetime and then a guy comes along, that whole experience is gonna be fricking magical to me in a way that it won't be to someone who's had it with tonnes of different guys over the years.

So no, going back to California won't change anything romantically or sexually.

Maybe not.

But maybe it will.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

So since my last post trying to direct you towards optimism seems to have been ignored, I'll try again:



Relationships aren't always something you try at for a certain amount of time while your young until you 'win' one and it's happily ever after.

Even if you met the perfect girl tomorrow, and in a year you were married - a year later you might not be and you'd be back to square one, back to trying once again.

My mum's still trying and she's 63. She found one committed relationship her entire life 8 years ago (my dad was a fling), and now that's over too.

She might never find another guy... But there is still a flicker of hope in her mind that she could. And she'll keep her mind open and her eye out till she dies.

And that's exactly what I'm afraid of happening to me. Being that person that never finds anyone, being in my 40's, 50's, 60's or older and alone because I was never able to find anyone.

That's life?

TBH, you can yell 'I've given up trying to find a girl' from the rooftops until your blue in the face, but it won't make it true.

The very fact that you post in this thread and that you express such dismay at your 'failure' to find someone, shows how much it matters to you.

And it's not just you. Human beings are just built that way. Even the rare people who spend their entire lives as a loner, sometimes consider what it'd be like to be close to someone of the opposite sex.

You really think you can just turn that off?

I wish I could. My life would be so much easier if I didn't want a woman and didn't care.

Because any combination of circumstances could lead to one moment in which you meet ONE person your compatible with.

Just think about how complicated and unpredictable life is.

I mean, how did your parents meet?

Sometimes I muse on the fact that if my mum hadn't gone into that AA meeting in London, and she'd never met my dad, and they'd never gone home that night and put on Phil Collins 'True Colours' and did the business... I'd never exist.

That was absolute chance.

And that's also how a relationship happens for most people. Chance! Luck. Being in the right place at the right time.

My parents met at a party and my dad actually called her the next day like he said he would.

Unfortunately, it's never that easy for me.

Stop trying to change. Stop trying to force it.

The right girl will happen naturally, because they like you. Not because you faked it just right.

I'm not faking anything. All the changes I made were for me, not for girls.

I moved to Tennessee, and in all honesty, had absolutely zero drive or ambition, and was just going through the motions and bumming off my parents. I hit an emotional rock bottom, and I decided that life was not acceptable, and I needed a change. I went to school, found my passion, found out what I wanted to do with my life, and I went after it, for ME because it's what made me happy and it's what I wanted for MY life. The last 4 years have seen more personal growth than the entire 25 years before that combined. 5 years ago, if someone asked me "where do you see yourself in 5 years", there's no way in hell I would have said that I'd be where I am today with all the accomplishments that I've achieved over the last few years and all the experiences I've had. I did that for me, and for the first time in my life, I actually built something for myself. This move that I'm on is for those reasons, to go off and get on my feet for myself and begin my career and my life, albeit a little bit late, but none the less.

Changing my approach isn't about faking anything. It's about trying to learn from my mistakes.

Same with me on a romatic level. Obviously I am very unappealing in terms of g/f material to the vast majority of men out there... (Although there may well have been men I've met along the way who would have liked me as a g/f but nothing ever happened because I wasn't interested in them and never made a move, who knows.)

It doesn't matter.

So you're not someone who can 'have anyone you want' like a friend of mine is (seriously, she's never single, she's gorgeous and fun and really into commitment).

That doesn't mean what you eventually find will be any less worth having or any less special.

In fact, IMO it means more.

I figure once I've waited an entire lifetime and then a guy comes along, that whole experience is gonna be fricking magical to me in a way that it won't be to someone who's had it with tonnes of different guys over the years.

I don't wanna be able to have "anyone I want", I just wanna be able to have -someone- I want.

I don't disagree with what you said about once it happens how much better it will feel. But I see no hope of it ever happening.

Maybe not.

But maybe it will.

And the "maybe not" is what bothers me.

Because life has shown me that's what it will be. I've heard the "a change of location will do you good" plenty of times already.

I heard it when I was living in California and decided to move to Tennessee; "Oh, girls will be so much different in Tennessee compared to what you're used to in California. You'll be around a different group of women, you'll totally find someone!"

And then I moved to Tennessee, and still faced the constant rejections. Then I decided to go back to college and it was all "Oh, there will be girls all over the place in college, and you'll have so much in common because you'll both be students pursuing degrees and education, there's no way you won't find someone"

4 years later, and I managed to make it through college without crap. And before anyone mentions my ex-girlfriend, she was someone who bolted after less than 3 months, and the way she's acted since as well as the way she acted during show that me nor the relationship ever mattered an ounce to her. She actively criticized me for trying to work on the relationship and actually make it work.

Now I'm hearing it again; "A change of scenery will be good for you"... same things I've heard before, just a different end location is all.

Well a change of scenery will be good for me. I'm going someplace that is a strong area for my chosen career, and I already have about 2 different jobs lined up that will be good for me. I'm going into good things. Those good things will just be sans romantic relationships.

 

[Anita18]

Relationships aren't always something you try at for a certain amount of time while your young until you 'win' one and it's happily ever after.

Even if you met the perfect girl tomorrow, and in a year you were married - a year later you might not be and you'd be back to square one, back to trying once again.

My mum's still trying and she's 63. She found one committed relationship her entire life 8 years ago (my dad was a fling), and now that's over too.

She might never find another guy... But there is still a flicker of hope in her mind that she could. And she'll keep her mind open and her eye out till she dies.

All this is true.

You don't get a prize if you stay married to one person for 50 years. And it isn't like, "Yeah, I'm in a relationship now, so we're gonna live happily ever after and that's the end of that!"

Life is a journey. The only thing you can control in your own life, is how you react to things.

And that's exactly what I'm afraid of happening to me. Being that person that never finds anyone, being in my 40's, 50's, 60's or older and alone because I was never able to find anyone.

You don't need to be in a romantic relationship. Feeling alone is completely up to you. My mom has friends her age (and older) who never married and have no children, but have fulfilling social lives because they treated their life as an adventure. They met people along the way, and have close friends thanks to their generous hearts. There are ways of creating a personal community that doesn't involve marriage or having biological kids.

Besides, you never know if something terrible might happen to your significant other, God forbid. I have older friends/teachers who have lost longtime spouses to cancer. So you might be left alone in your 60s and beyond, despite doing everything "right."

Life goes on, no matter what the fairy tales say.

I'm not faking anything. All the changes I made were for me, not for girls.

I moved to Tennessee, and in all honesty, had absolutely zero drive or ambition, and was just going through the motions and bumming off my parents. I hit an emotional rock bottom, and I decided that life was not acceptable, and I needed a change. I went to school, found my passion, found out what I wanted to do with my life, and I went after it, for ME because it's what made me happy and it's what I wanted for MY life. The last 4 years have seen more personal growth than the entire 25 years before that combined. 5 years ago, if someone asked me "where do you see yourself in 5 years", there's no way in hell I would have said that I'd be where I am today with all the accomplishments that I've achieved over the last few years and all the experiences I've had. I did that for me, and for the first time in my life, I actually built something for myself. This move that I'm on is for those reasons, to go off and get on my feet for myself and begin my career and my life, albeit a little bit late, but none the less.

Changing my approach isn't about faking anything. It's about trying to learn from my mistakes.

Then you know very well that life is a journey. Relationships are just part of that journey. Nothing more.

I have no certainty that the hubs and I will be together 50 years down the road. Who knows what might happen. His parents are divorced too - that certainly isn't a foreign concept.

The only thing that's certain is that we made a commitment to make this journey together, as long as both our lives are enriched by it. (I have no interest in prolonging an unhealthy relationship - I've seen what it does to people. And again, you don't get a prize for having the longest marriage.)

But there's nothing special about a relationship that somehow transcends the randomness and wanderings of life.

And the "maybe not" is what bothers me.

Because life has shown me that's what it will be. I've heard the "a change of location will do you good" plenty of times already.

I heard it when I was living in California and decided to move to Tennessee; "Oh, girls will be so much different in Tennessee compared to what you're used to in California. You'll be around a different group of women, you'll totally find someone!"

And then I moved to Tennessee, and still faced the constant rejections. Then I decided to go back to college and it was all "Oh, there will be girls all over the place in college, and you'll have so much in common because you'll both be students pursuing degrees and education, there's no way you won't find someone"

4 years later, and I managed to make it through college without crap. And before anyone mentions my ex-girlfriend, she was someone who bolted after less than 3 months, and the way she's acted since as well as the way she acted during show that me nor the relationship ever mattered an ounce to her. She actively criticized me for trying to work on the relationship and actually make it work.

Now I'm hearing it again; "A change of scenery will be good for you"... same things I've heard before, just a different end location is all.

Well a change of scenery will be good for me. I'm going someplace that is a strong area for my chosen career, and I already have about 2 different jobs lined up that will be good for me. I'm going into good things. Those good things will just be sans romantic relationships.

You forget that your own personal growth is a variable too, not just your location. You are not the same person that you were 4 years ago. At least I hope not.

And Erz is right. There is such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy. But if you really don't believe that anything will change no matter where you go, then why are you even here still?

You want to tell yourself that you've given up, that it's no use, but you haven't yet. So what else is there to do besides trying to take our advice, instead of wallowing in self-pity that doesn't help you any except make you more bitter?

 

[Erzengel]

And Erz is right. There is such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy. But if you really don't believe that anything will change no matter where you go, then why are you even here still?

You want to tell yourself that you've given up, that it's no use, but you haven't yet. So what else is there to do besides trying to take our advice, instead of wallowing in self-pity that doesn't help you any except make you more bitter?

Nell, I don't want you to give up, I don't think anyone here wants you to give up. But regardless of what you went through and even if it was 100 girls that turned you down, that doesn't necessarily mean that the 101th girl will turn you down.

I also don't want you to be like the countless other guys who wait for women to magically fall in their laps. Does that happen, yes, but you should always keep trying. You don't want to be 50 years old just saying, I was silly to give up when I was 30.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

And that's exactly what I'm afraid of happening to me. Being that person that never finds anyone, being in my 40's, 50's, 60's or older and alone because I was never able to find anyone.

I guess it's not so scary to me because I don't look at my mum and think 'omg that poor woman, she's totally missed out on life'.

She's had an incredible life. She has truly lived. She's experienced all sorts of different relationships with people, she's been a model and a hairdresser for celebrities in london in her youth, then a councillor and aa sponsor dedicated to saving other people from themselves. She's also had to deal with having ME the entire time i've been alive, and raising me on her own. She's a warm, kind and thoughtful person, and she has a wealth of friends around her all the time who would do a heck of a lot for her. And of course me, and we love each other very much. She's the strongest person I will ever know.

And for the record, she left him. About a year into moving in together, she realised the relationship was dying. There was no sexual chemistry anymore, he was emotionally detached, he was still legally married to another woman and kept shuffling his feet about sorting it out. He'd just go to work, come home, eat the food she cooked and then fall asleep in front of the sofa. And that's not a happy life.

But a lot of people would be too afraid to give up a relationship at that late stage in life, because of the very fear your talking about.

I wish I could. My life would be so much easier if I didn't want a woman and didn't care.

I don't think the trick is to not want it. It's just to not treat it as such a priority.

I absolutely think it'd be a pity if my mum never finds someone else. Just the same as I think it'd be a pity if I never get to feel what love really is, never committ to anyone, never have a family etc.

But if those things don't happen, I will still have everything else life has to offer. So it won't be the end of the world.

I can still surround myself with friends. I can still fill my life with new experiances and learn new things and see new things. I can still try and make a difference in the world in whatever ways I choose.

I've sort of made my peace with the idea of living my life solo.

But that doesn't mean i've given up on the possibility of someone sharing it with me too.

Could go either way.

And whatever way it goes, i'm just gonna make the most out of life

My parents met at a party and my dad actually called her the next day like he said he would.

Unfortunately, it's never that easy for me.

Like I said, it's only easy for some people.

The majority of people have to be a bit more patient.

I'm not faking anything. All the changes I made were for me, not for girls.

I moved to Tennessee, and in all honesty, had absolutely zero drive or ambition, and was just going through the motions and bumming off my parents. I hit an emotional rock bottom, and I decided that life was not acceptable, and I needed a change. I went to school, found my passion, found out what I wanted to do with my life, and I went after it, for ME because it's what made me happy and it's what I wanted for MY life. The last 4 years have seen more personal growth than the entire 25 years before that combined. 5 years ago, if someone asked me "where do you see yourself in 5 years", there's no way in hell I would have said that I'd be where I am today with all the accomplishments that I've achieved over the last few years and all the experiences I've had. I did that for me, and for the first time in my life, I actually built something for myself. This move that I'm on is for those reasons, to go off and get on my feet for myself and begin my career and my life, albeit a little bit late, but none the less.

Changing my approach isn't about faking anything. It's about trying to learn from my mistakes.

I was talking about trying to be more alpha male/assertive with women and stuff like that.

I don't wanna be able to have "anyone I want", I just wanna be able to have -someone- I want.

I don't disagree with what you said about once it happens how much better it will feel. But I see no hope of it ever happening.

There's that word again - Ever.

It's just such a ridiculous over exaggeration.

How could you possibly claim to know the outcome of your entire life?

Well a change of scenery will be good for me. I'm going someplace that is a strong area for my chosen career, and I already have about 2 different jobs lined up that will be good for me. I'm going into good things. Those good things will just be sans romantic relationships.

In terms of what MIGHT help you find a relationship, there are certain things you can't change - your personality, the way you look (as in your features), your age, your past etc.

But there are also things you CAN change - like your hobbies, your attitude, your expectations, the way you look (weight, clothes, cleanliness etc) and your location. And any change shakes up the variables a bit... it has to change your chances, even if it's only by a margin.

Focusing on the things that you can do about your situation is literally the only productive thing possible.

Wallowing about all the things you can't change, is utterly pointless and after a while will actually contribute to you not getting a girlfriend.

 

[Green Goblin]

If you were to date any Hype member who would it be?

 

[Erzengel]

The one with the most money.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

If you were to date any Hype member who would it be?

Nell, cause then maybe he'd be proven wrong about never ever finding a girl.

 

[webhead9707]

Anyone have ideas for the best places to meet new people? I'm tired of sitting alone on Fridays and Saturdays.

 

[Erzengel]

Well I would say school, but you could try some community after school activities.

 

[jaymes_e06]

Well that bodes well for me and Nell.t:

It's true. Sometimes in the choice of trying to find someone and letting someone materialize the latter is the better bet.

I'm looking at you Taylor Swift.

 

[webhead9707]

Well I would say school, but you could try some community after school activities.

That might work.. Thanks.

It's true. Sometimes in the choice of trying to find someone and letting someone materialize the latter is the better bet.

I'm looking at you Taylor Swift.

Hahaha yeah. I mean I haven't given up on love, I've just stopped looking. If I meet an amazing girl great, but til then I'm tired of listening to cheesy pop songs and sitting in bed. I'm doing stuff about it. I know what I did wrong last time and I won't fail whenever the next chance arises.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

If you were to date any Hype member who would it be?

Nell, cause then maybe he'd be proven wrong about never ever finding a girl.

hopeful, cuz she's the only one that actually would go on a date with me. Then I'd realize it was a pity date, and I'd come on the Hype crying about how I can never find a girl that actually likes me.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Anyone have ideas for the best places to meet new people? I'm tired of sitting alone on Fridays and Saturdays.

Just get involved in stuff, in school or outside of school. High school and college are the perfect times to find someone because everyone is right around you.