The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts!

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Or maybe the girl wants someone who can take care of himself, and not have to care for him like he's a kid?

That's my reason for finding ambition and confidence attractive in a man. I can take care of myself, and I have absolutely zero interest in babying my partner in regular life, in addition to his ego.


For animals, alpha males are the ones who are in the best shape, because they can physically fight off the other males if they get in the way of sexytime. And for animals who don't nurture their young as much as we do (or have our technology), good genetics are far more important than rearing of the offspring. As long as you can feed your babies, you're good to go.

Besides, I thought beta males were supposed to be better fathers, and thus better for long-term relationships?

Anyway, biological reasons for attraction are kinda dumb explanations, because people are...not animals. Besides, genes are less important in humans, because of all the wonderful gadgets we now have. God knows my kind (bookish and glasses-wearing nerd) would have gone extinct had we been dependent on our physical prowess. Now, that's not so important anymore.

Actually, we kinda are. Evolved, yes. But still animals.

And I don't know anything about betas making good fathers and better long term partners. All I'm ever told by anyone I talk to about it is that I'm not alpha male enough to ever attract a female and get a girlfriend.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

Or maybe the girl wants someone who can take care of himself, and not have to care for him like he's a kid?

Boom!

 

[Anita18]

Actually, we kinda are. Evolved, yes. But still animals.

And I don't know anything about betas making good fathers and better long term partners. All I'm ever told by anyone I talk to about it is that I'm not alpha male enough to ever attract a female and get a girlfriend.

And you're going to believe them, because....?

That's just about as enlightening as someone reasoning that I wasn't popular with guys because I have no boobs. Sure, some (most?) guys really like cleavage on a girl, but it obviously didn't subject me to a lifetime of singleness.

And all this grousing is what's making you look weak and "beta," if I may make presumptions about what your definition of beta is. As I've mentioned before, the hubs isn't a chest-beating alpha male, but he's confident in that he doesn't care what other people think of him. That's the part that counts.

If someone told him he wasn't alpha male enough to date most women, he'd say "good riddance" to those women. Just like I said "good riddance" to guys chasing after girls with cleavage.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

And you're going to believe them, because....?

Because it comes from virtually everyone I talk to about girls and relationships.

Because I've seen first hand what girls think of me. I'm not just talking about my constant rejections, I've heard them talk first hand about what they think of me. It's not very flattering.

You say that your husband doesn't care about what others think of him. Unfortunately, I do. I'm emotional (not to be confused with "sad") and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I become invested in people emotionally (friend or otherwise), and I get hurt when that investment isn't returned to me.

All traits that women don't find attractive.

That's why I believe people when they say I'm not "alpha" enough to find someone.

And before someone plays the "generalization" card - it has driven off virtually every girl I've ever been attracted to or interested in. Sooo... yeaaa...

I can't play the "he who cares less wins" card, because I actually care what happens, whether it's a friendship or a relationship. Thus... I won't attract a girlfriend.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

But it is a generalization... and you may be a bit confused about what it is regarding you that's driving them off. It's easy, when you're the victim, to create a justifiable reason to excuse it - like you defending your sensitivity - but since you're the victim, it's also easy to skew reality.

I'm able to openly represent my feelings and I've never had any trouble with women. So, I'm sensing that that may not be your problem.

 

[Anita18]

Because it comes from virtually everyone I talk to about girls and relationships.

Because I've seen first hand what girls think of me. I'm not just talking about my constant rejections, I've heard them talk first hand about what they think of me. It's not very flattering.

You say that your husband doesn't care about what others think of him. Unfortunately, I do. I'm emotional (not to be confused with "sad") and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I become invested in people emotionally (friend or otherwise), and I get hurt when that investment isn't returned to me.

All traits that women don't find attractive.

That's why I believe people when they say I'm not "alpha" enough to find someone.

And before someone plays the "generalization" card - it has driven off virtually every girl I've ever been attracted to or interested in. Sooo... yeaaa...

I can't play the "he who cares less wins" card, because I actually care what happens, whether it's a friendship or a relationship. Thus... I won't attract a girlfriend.

I think a good majority of people care about the exact same things. I will admit that the hubs is on a truly impressive level of indifference when it comes to the opinions of others. Sometimes I need that, because I also care too much at times. Not necessarily that people like me, but I hate leaving a conflict unresolved, when it would be better to just move on considering the person involved. Sometimes you just have to walk away and forget it.

You can't get stuck in a routine of trying to win the affections of people who are just not into you, for whatever reason. There's nothing you can help with that. You need to find your "crowd" (ie, find someone compatible with you, which will take work) and ignore everything else.

And keep in mind, sometimes a crowd that didn't work before might work now, because people change too. If we'd gone to the same high school, I would not have considered my husband for a second, because he was completely different from what he is now. And I've heard plenty of stories where alumni of a college met after graduation and started dating, after not paying attention to each other when they were in school. That kind of stuff happens, so you shouldn't cross anything off your list.

At the same time, being able to judge when to walk away without investing too much emotionally is important as well. Relationships (and this includes friendships) are a two-way street, always.

 

[Anita18]

But it is a generalization... and you may be a bit confused about what it is regarding you that's driving them off. It's easy, when you're the victim, to create a justifiable reason to excuse it - like you defending your sensitivity - but since you're the victim, it's also easy to skew reality.

I'm able to openly represent my feelings and I've never had any trouble with women. So, I'm sensing that that may not be your problem.

Another thing I've observed in my social travels - if different people keep behaving toward you the same way, there is something about you that makes them comfortable doing it.

One of my friends gets hit on by half a dozen guys every time she goes out. My ex-bf kept getting friend-zoned by girls who would string him along. Another friend always has drama-filled relationships. And here, Nell is saying that everyone tells him to his face how unattractive he is.

Those things don't happen in a vacuum, because none of those things has ever happened to me. Clearly I don't suffer fools gladly.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help whatever vibes you're giving off. My The only thing is to search for the one person who bucks the trend. My ex-bf had the "walk all over me" vibe, and he eventually found a girl who's just as nice as he is. I have the "I'm intimidating" vibe, and eventually found someone who isn't intimidated by me.

It takes effort. It takes a lot of searching. But because it's happened to you even hundreds of times before, it doesn't mean that it's guaranteed to happen forever. All you need is one. The thing to do then, is to find him or her. You don't have to be attractive to even 50% of your target sex. Remember, you only need one.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

But two's better.

 

[Anita18]

But two's better.

Threesome joke aside, it depends on your outlook. My ex wasn't compatible with me, but at least he thought me attractive enough to date. So probability was on my side that someone else would find me attractive enough to date too.

Then again I'm an optimist.

 

[Erzengel]

Because it comes from virtually everyone I talk to about girls and relationships.

Because I've seen first hand what girls think of me. I'm not just talking about my constant rejections, I've heard them talk first hand about what they think of me. It's not very flattering.

You say that your husband doesn't care about what others think of him. Unfortunately, I do. I'm emotional (not to be confused with "sad") and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I become invested in people emotionally (friend or otherwise), and I get hurt when that investment isn't returned to me.

All traits that women don't find attractive.

That's why I believe people when they say I'm not "alpha" enough to find someone.

And before someone plays the "generalization" card - it has driven off virtually every girl I've ever been attracted to or interested in. Sooo... yeaaa...

I can't play the "he who cares less wins" card, because I actually care what happens, whether it's a friendship or a relationship. Thus... I won't attract a girlfriend.

You must have been in an area where women were cold, heartless, bwitches.

True friends wouldn't have said that to you. They'd try to help you. Are you still friends with some of these people?

And if prospective girls you wanted to date said this to you, then they are even worse.

Unless you came crawling back blubbering what was wrong with you, most people are decent and wouldn't go out of their way to hurt people. I usually just got the cut off in speaking to them. I figured it out and just moved on.

And while I was dating I never considered myself alpha, beta, I was just me. I invested time sometimes too much time in some people even when it was blatantly obvious that I had no shot. I made a conscious decision to move on and started meeting people. But I had to put myself out there.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Haha, that works too.

Occasionally yes. But it seems like the male leads who I most associate with and the leads that stink with girls are always average height and dark hair, like me.
Tom from 500 Days of Summer,
Ted from HIMYM,
Chuck from, Chuck. (Although he did EVENTUALLY end up with

Spoiler

Sarah

, spoiler alert.)
Xander from Buffy,
etc.
Although I have a lot in common with Peter Parker, but he only got the girl 'cause he has superpowers.

The actors who play those guys are all HOT, and the majority have relationships with gorgeous women.

So I don't really get what you're saying.

I thought girls liked being picked up? Like when you get married,the guy is supposed to carry the girl into the bedroom.

I'd like it if someone shrunk me with a shrink ray. But i'm 5'8 and already have a big frame before you add on the bit of extra poundage i'm self conscious about... I think a guy picking me up would be the most awkward and embarrasing thing ever.

I just hope you're being "careful". Also, a lot of people blame alcohol for bad behavior and sometimes keep using it as a crutch because it can be an excuse.

I know they do, that's why I think if I remove it from my life I might actually get some clarity.

And it's not even JUST the alcohol. Like I said, it's the whole party scene. If I remove myself from that, then things like this just won't happen anymore.

I know a heck of a lot about addiction. Both my parents have been in NA and AA all my life (since before I was bornm thankfully). I have been sat at the back of meetings since I was a toddler, when my mum didn't have anyone to babysit. All my god parents are friends my mum made in AA. And she's been a sponsor all that time too, so she spent a lot of time on the phone to people freaking out.

Plus, the majority of my friends who I grew up with are now addicts (drugs and alcohol). My best friend is a heroin addict who lives off prescription drugs and has no life whatsoever. My other best friend is having a baby with a guy who deals weed and has no real job. Another of my friends is now dating a coke dealer.

And even the new people I meet... it's insane how hard it is to get away from. I mean, even my bosses in the office I work in do drugs on nights out.

You know what the hardest thing is about really stepping up to that plate and giving it all up?

Knowing that i'll be giving up all my friends too.

And not because they'll dump me. But because I won't wanna spend time with them, because I won't wanna be around alcohol and drugs at all anymore, and they are never NOT around those things.

But this is all precisely why I think I need to go to meetings and get some help with this. Find some like minded people who are clean, who managed to get out, and who manage to find a way to live with the fact that's it's pretty much everywhere.

Or maybe the girl wants someone who can take care of himself, and not have to care for him like he's a kid?

That's my reason for finding ambition and confidence attractive in a man. I can take care of myself, and I have absolutely zero interest in babying my partner in regular life, in addition to his ego.

This.

Because it comes from virtually everyone I talk to about girls and relationships.

Because I've seen first hand what girls think of me. I'm not just talking about my constant rejections, I've heard them talk first hand about what they think of me. It's not very flattering.

You say that your husband doesn't care about what others think of him. Unfortunately, I do. I'm emotional (not to be confused with "sad") and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I become invested in people emotionally (friend or otherwise), and I get hurt when that investment isn't returned to me.

All traits that women don't find attractive.

That's why I believe people when they say I'm not "alpha" enough to find someone.

And before someone plays the "generalization" card - it has driven off virtually every girl I've ever been attracted to or interested in. Sooo... yeaaa...

I can't play the "he who cares less wins" card, because I actually care what happens, whether it's a friendship or a relationship. Thus... I won't attract a girlfriend.

Okay fine.

No beta males ever find love. Only alpha males.

Does that really sound true to you?

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Of course. Doesn't mean I can't think he's hot.

Also, casting has very little to do with real life popularity. TV and movie actresses all look anorexic, but I'm just about that skinny and I'm still not popular with the guys. Most guys prefer girls with some meat on their bones.

I never see those. Most of them look really great to me.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Second image is broken and the YouTube tag only requires what is after the watch?v=

Like [yt ]aNd2OIO6BLg[/ yt] without the spaces.

Yeah...I guess I give "Touch me and I'll rip your balls off" vibes, because not even guy friends try that kind of thing with me.

And the hubs figures I can walk like a big girl.

My guy friends used to drag me across the floor by my feet.

 

[Anita18]

I never see those. Most of them look really great to me.

What kind of movies or TV shows are you watching? I've seen some of these women in person, and they are vastly skinner in real life than they look on camera.

 

[Anita18]

My guy friends used to drag me across the floor by my feet.

Anyone who tried that on me would be getting a kick in the throat.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

What kind of movies or TV shows are you watching? I've seen some of these women in person, and they are vastly skinner in real life than they look on camera.

Okay not "never" but usually they are healthy celebs who lost a lot of weight and became too skinny (e.g. ribs showing).

Anyone who tried that on me would be getting a kick in the throat.

I wish I did that.

I did get swept off my feet once by my ex (while he was my ex) in the swimming pool, but only because he wanted to throw me back into the water.

 

[Erzengel]

I know they do, that's why I think if I remove it from my life I might actually get some clarity.

And it's not even JUST the alcohol. Like I said, it's the whole party scene. If I remove myself from that, then things like this just won't happen anymore.

I know a heck of a lot about addiction. Both my parents have been in NA and AA all my life (since before I was bornm thankfully). I have been sat at the back of meetings since I was a toddler, when my mum didn't have anyone to babysit. All my god parents are friends my mum made in AA. And she's been a sponsor all that time too, so she spent a lot of time on the phone to people freaking out.

Plus, the majority of my friends who I grew up with are now addicts (drugs and alcohol). My best friend is a heroin addict who lives off prescription drugs and has no life whatsoever. My other best friend is having a baby with a guy who deals weed and has no real job. Another of my friends is now dating a coke dealer.

And even the new people I meet... it's insane how hard it is to get away from. I mean, even my bosses in the office I work in do drugs on nights out.

You know what the hardest thing is about really stepping up to that plate and giving it all up?

Knowing that i'll be giving up all my friends too.

And not because they'll dump me. But because I won't wanna spend time with them, because I won't wanna be around alcohol and drugs at all anymore, and they are never NOT around those things.

But this is all precisely why I think I need to go to meetings and get some help with this. Find some like minded people who are clean, who managed to get out, and who manage to find a way to live with the fact that's it's pretty much everywhere.

I didn't know it was such a scene where you were. It's tough, but in the end you have to worry about you first. I know it may sound selfish but when you associate with people with behavior that can not only harm them but you, you have to make steps to better yourself.

I hope you do find assistance at these meetings but sadly I think it will come at the cost of a majority of your friends.

 

[webhead9707]

The actors who play those guys are all HOT, and the majority have relationships with gorgeous women.

So I don't really get what you're saying.



I'd like it if someone shrunk me with a shrink ray. But i'm 5'8 and already have a big frame before you add on the bit of extra poundage i'm self conscious about... I think a guy picking me up would be the most awkward and embarrasing thing ever.



I know they do, that's why I think if I remove it from my life I might actually get some clarity.

And it's not even JUST the alcohol. Like I said, it's the whole party scene. If I remove myself from that, then things like this just won't happen anymore.

I know a heck of a lot about addiction. Both my parents have been in NA and AA all my life (since before I was bornm thankfully). I have been sat at the back of meetings since I was a toddler, when my mum didn't have anyone to babysit. All my god parents are friends my mum made in AA. And she's been a sponsor all that time too, so she spent a lot of time on the phone to people freaking out.

Plus, the majority of my friends who I grew up with are now addicts (drugs and alcohol). My best friend is a heroin addict who lives off prescription drugs and has no life whatsoever. My other best friend is having a baby with a guy who deals weed and has no real job. Another of my friends is now dating a coke dealer.

And even the new people I meet... it's insane how hard it is to get away from. I mean, even my bosses in the office I work in do drugs on nights out.

You know what the hardest thing is about really stepping up to that plate and giving it all up?

Knowing that i'll be giving up all my friends too.

And not because they'll dump me. But because I won't wanna spend time with them, because I won't wanna be around alcohol and drugs at all anymore, and they are never NOT around those things.

But this is all precisely why I think I need to go to meetings and get some help with this. Find some like minded people who are clean, who managed to get out, and who manage to find a way to live with the fact that's it's pretty much everywhere.



This.



Okay fine.

No beta males ever find love. Only alpha males.

Does that really sound true to you?

Just to play devil's advocate, while yes it very likely could cost you your friends, have you considered that for at least one or two of your friends, you getting clean might inspire them to get clean too?

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Okay fine.

No beta males ever find love. Only alpha males.

Does that really sound true to you?

For me, it sure does. I've had one girlfriend, who couldn't wait to find a reason to get out of the relationship.

-----

What hurt the most was overhearing women in my theatre department flat out say things like "I wish there were desirable straight men in this department", right in front of me. Always heard women in my department whining and crying about how all the guys in the department were gay, and that there just weren't any desirable straight men around. It really put into perspective for me just how women perceive me. They even made a joke at my expense at one of our department events about my lack of desirability.

I've had women - not necessarily romantic interests, mind you - tell me straight up "do you think the reason why you can't find anyone is because you're fat? No girl is gonna wanna date a fat guy like you". I've had guys tell me this too.

Keep in mind... I'm not even really that fat.

I've had plenty of people essentially tell me "women want alpha males... you need to start acting more like an alpha male if you ever want to date anybody"

You combine this with some of the experiences that I talked about a few pages back, and my lack of being able to attract any attention from the female gender in my 30 years of life... and people wonder why I have a complex.

Sure, on a very rare occasion, someone tells me I dress well, or I carry myself well, or even goes far as to say that I'm attractive or handsome or cute, or carry myself with confidence, or positively comment on my personality and call me "genuine" or a lot of other positive things that I've been called. But nobody ever acts on it. None of those women who say I'm "cute" ever want anything more. None of those women who compliment how I dress, or how I carry myself, or the things that I do with my life, ever want anything more.

I once had a girl straight up tell me "There is no girl in this theatre department that's good enough for you." That's a very endearing thing to say. And I'm not saying that because she said it, that she should automatically want the D or anything like that. But it really would be nice to hear someone say that, and for once, want to back it up.

The same girl that said that to me just responded with a "sorry, bro" when I tried to hang out with her this summer... When I made a flirty comment to her one time about going out, she told me "you're not on the A-list... you have a lot of guys you gotta pass up to get on the A-list".

So yea, I got a complex. Even when a girl has something nice to say about me, nobody is willing to back it up. I've seen first hand, from the horse's mouth, that I'm viewed as "undesirable" by women. And the few exceptions to that rule, of girls who have shown some sort of interest that something happened with, whether some form of sexual encounter, or an actual relationship, all of them couldn't -wait- to bail and get out of the situation as fast as they could. From Amanda, to Courtney, to my ex-girlfriend, to the 19 year old, they couldn't get away from me quick enough. And those are just the girls that gave me some sort of positive response at some point, that doesn't include the countless girls that rejected me without so much as a second though.

-----

As far as my emotional investment in my friends, I basically broke it down to a friend the other day. Specifically speaking about the theatre department, I've kinda broken up the department into 3 groups. There's my group of close friends that I've made that will probably be lifelong friends. There's another group of people, who are basically the foundation of the department, the people who were involved in anything and everything. Were in the fraternity (which I was also a part of), and basically just ran the department. The vast majority of these people, I have hardly had a bad experience with. They are all great people, and I love 'em all. But for whatever reason, I just never became close with most of 'em. Not through any ill will or anything, just never became too close. This is kind of what I'm talking about though... because I'm gonna miss all these people, and being around them, and doing things whether productions or social gatherings with them. They were a part of my life for 4 years - probably the most important 4 years of my life so far - so I'm always going to associate them with a good part of my life and think of them fondly. Reason why I feel too "invested" though is because I feel like they were more important to my life than I was to their's. I don't feel like they are really gonna miss me the way I miss them, or put forth an effort to keep in touch with me the way I'd like to put forth an effort to keep in touch with them. And that kinda sucks, and that kinda bothers me.

There's another group of people who, for whatever reasons that I'll never understand, just don't like me. I mean, that kinda sucks that they don't like me and have issues with me, because I never did anything negative (that I'm aware of) to them, and I always tried to be friends and friendly with them. One person in particular I did a lot of favors for without asking for anything in return, and now she's the main one that has problems with me, actively dislikes me, and came to my goodbye going away dinner and didn't say a single word to me just to make my professor who organized it happy. But whatever... I'm not too torn up about this group of people. They don't like me, they don't like me, whatever. I wish they did, but they don't, and with them those are the ones it's easier to just move on from.

But yea, I invest in people emotionally, probably way too much so, and it bothers me when it's not returned. I do care, and I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and I really shouldn't. But unfortunately I don't know how to turn it off no matter how much I try to shut it all down.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I didn't know it was such a scene where you were. It's tough, but in the end you have to worry about you first. I know it may sound selfish but when you associate with people with behavior that can not only harm them but you, you have to make steps to better yourself.

I hope you do find assistance at these meetings but sadly I think it will come at the cost of a majority of your friends.

It's not even so much worrying about myself in a present day sense (I mean i've dealt with this world since I was 14, it's just normal to me)... it's just worrying that everything I wanted from my life is not going to happen because i'm having too much 'fun' and just letting life be this rollecoaster ride I have no control of.

I wanna take the reigns. I wanna be clear headed, healthy, motivated. I wanna actually be LOOKING for work in journalism, trying to write and trying to get that writing published. Cause really all I do is think about doing it, but it's always 'soon'. And i'm 26 now and starting to feel like i've already left it too long.

Tonight I am going out for a work mates last night in the country, and I am going to have a drink.

I also found out that the guy at work that I am partnered with at the moment, who i've been flirting back and forth with for weeks, is coming too (and he never comes out).

So here I have two challenges.

1) Keep it in my pants

2) Don't get so drunk I forget how I got home... just have a couple of drinks, see my friend off, and be at least half aware tomorrow at work.

After that, i'm gonna find a meeting to go to defo. Even if it's just to get some perspective for myself.

And hey, maybe that's the only kind of place I can find a guy for me. Someone like minded with a similar past, but clean and probably good for me

Just to play devil's advocate, while yes it very likely could cost you your friends, have you considered that for at least one or two of your friends, you getting clean might inspire them to get clean too?

That's true, but a lot of the friends i've made since i've been in bristol are a bit younger than me (23/24)... so it might take them a while to catch up in terms of the feelings that it might be time to calm down.

 

[webhead9707]

For me, it sure does. I've had one girlfriend, who couldn't wait to find a reason to get out of the relationship.

-----

What hurt the most was overhearing women in my theatre department flat out say things like "I wish there were desirable straight men in this department", right in front of me. Always heard women in my department whining and crying about how all the guys in the department were gay, and that there just weren't any desirable straight men around. It really put into perspective for me just how women perceive me. They even made a joke at my expense at one of our department events about my lack of desirability.

I've had women - not necessarily romantic interests, mind you - tell me straight up "do you think the reason why you can't find anyone is because you're fat? No girl is gonna wanna date a fat guy like you". I've had guys tell me this too.

Keep in mind... I'm not even really that fat.

I've had plenty of people essentially tell me "women want alpha males... you need to start acting more like an alpha male if you ever want to date anybody"

You combine this with some of the experiences that I talked about a few pages back, and my lack of being able to attract any attention from the female gender in my 30 years of life... and people wonder why I have a complex.

Sure, on a very rare occasion, someone tells me I dress well, or I carry myself well, or even goes far as to say that I'm attractive or handsome or cute, or carry myself with confidence, or positively comment on my personality and call me "genuine" or a lot of other positive things that I've been called. But nobody ever acts on it. None of those women who say I'm "cute" ever want anything more. None of those women who compliment how I dress, or how I carry myself, or the things that I do with my life, ever want anything more.

I once had a girl straight up tell me "There is no girl in this theatre department that's good enough for you." That's a very endearing thing to say. And I'm not saying that because she said it, that she should automatically want the D or anything like that. But it really would be nice to hear someone say that, and for once, want to back it up.

The same girl that said that to me just responded with a "sorry, bro" when I tried to hang out with her this summer... When I made a flirty comment to her one time about going out, she told me "you're not on the A-list... you have a lot of guys you gotta pass up to get on the A-list".

So yea, I got a complex. Even when a girl has something nice to say about me, nobody is willing to back it up. I've seen first hand, from the horse's mouth, that I'm viewed as "undesirable" by women. And the few exceptions to that rule, of girls who have shown some sort of interest that something happened with, whether some form of sexual encounter, or an actual relationship, all of them couldn't -wait- to bail and get out of the situation as fast as they could. From Amanda, to Courtney, to my ex-girlfriend, to the 19 year old, they couldn't get away from me quick enough. And those are just the girls that gave me some sort of positive response at some point, that doesn't include the countless girls that rejected me without so much as a second though.

-----

As far as my emotional investment in my friends, I basically broke it down to a friend the other day. Specifically speaking about the theatre department, I've kinda broken up the department into 3 groups. There's my group of close friends that I've made that will probably be lifelong friends. There's another group of people, who are basically the foundation of the department, the people who were involved in anything and everything. Were in the fraternity (which I was also a part of), and basically just ran the department. The vast majority of these people, I have hardly had a bad experience with. They are all great people, and I love 'em all. But for whatever reason, I just never became close with most of 'em. Not through any ill will or anything, just never became too close. This is kind of what I'm talking about though... because I'm gonna miss all these people, and being around them, and doing things whether productions or social gatherings with them. They were a part of my life for 4 years - probably the most important 4 years of my life so far - so I'm always going to associate them with a good part of my life and think of them fondly. Reason why I feel too "invested" though is because I feel like they were more important to my life than I was to their's. I don't feel like they are really gonna miss me the way I miss them, or put forth an effort to keep in touch with me the way I'd like to put forth an effort to keep in touch with them. And that kinda sucks, and that kinda bothers me.

There's another group of people who, for whatever reasons that I'll never understand, just don't like me. I mean, that kinda sucks that they don't like me and have issues with me, because I never did anything negative (that I'm aware of) to them, and I always tried to be friends and friendly with them. One person in particular I did a lot of favors for without asking for anything in return, and now she's the main one that has problems with me, actively dislikes me, and came to my goodbye going away dinner and didn't say a single word to me just to make my professor who organized it happy. But whatever... I'm not too torn up about this group of people. They don't like me, they don't like me, whatever. I wish they did, but they don't, and with them those are the ones it's easier to just move on from.

But yea, I invest in people emotionally, probably way too much so, and it bothers me when it's not returned. I do care, and I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and I really shouldn't. But unfortunately I don't know how to turn it off no matter how much I try to shut it all down.

It seems like you've just been around terrible people. Do you like yourself?

 

[webhead9707]

It's not even so much worrying about myself in a present day sense (I mean i've dealt with this world since I was 14, it's just normal to me)... it's just worrying that everything I wanted from my life is not going to happen because i'm having too much 'fun' and just letting life be this rollecoaster ride I have no control of.

I wanna take the reigns. I wanna be clear headed, healthy, motivated. I wanna actually be LOOKING for work in journalism, trying to write and trying to get that writing published. Cause really all I do is think about doing it, but it's always 'soon'. And i'm 26 now and starting to feel like i've already left it too long.

Tonight I am going out for a work mates last night in the country, and I am going to have a drink.

I also found out that the guy at work that I am partnered with at the moment, who i've been flirting back and forth with for weeks, is coming too (and he never comes out).

So here I have two challenges.

1) Keep it in my pants

2) Don't get so drunk I forget how I got home... just have a couple of drinks, see my friend off, and be at least half aware tomorrow at work.

After that, i'm gonna find a meeting to go to defo. Even if it's just to get some perspective for myself.

And hey, maybe that's the only kind of place I can find a guy for me. Someone like minded with a similar past, but clean and probably good for me



That's true, but a lot of the friends i've made since i've been in bristol are a bit younger than me (23/24)... so it might take them a while to catch up in terms of the feelings that it might be time to calm down.

True. But when they do get there, they'll remember you. You can become more than a women, a symbol..

 

[Ms. Marvel]

For me, it sure does. I've had one girlfriend, who couldn't wait to find a reason to get out of the relationship.

-----

What hurt the most was overhearing women in my theatre department flat out say things like "I wish there were desirable straight men in this department", right in front of me. Always heard women in my department whining and crying about how all the guys in the department were gay, and that there just weren't any desirable straight men around. It really put into perspective for me just how women perceive me. They even made a joke at my expense at one of our department events about my lack of desirability.

I've had women - not necessarily romantic interests, mind you - tell me straight up "do you think the reason why you can't find anyone is because you're fat? No girl is gonna wanna date a fat guy like you". I've had guys tell me this too.

Keep in mind... I'm not even really that fat.

I've had plenty of people essentially tell me "women want alpha males... you need to start acting more like an alpha male if you ever want to date anybody"

You combine this with some of the experiences that I talked about a few pages back, and my lack of being able to attract any attention from the female gender in my 30 years of life... and people wonder why I have a complex.

Sure, on a very rare occasion, someone tells me I dress well, or I carry myself well, or even goes far as to say that I'm attractive or handsome or cute, or carry myself with confidence, or positively comment on my personality and call me "genuine" or a lot of other positive things that I've been called. But nobody ever acts on it. None of those women who say I'm "cute" ever want anything more. None of those women who compliment how I dress, or how I carry myself, or the things that I do with my life, ever want anything more.

I once had a girl straight up tell me "There is no girl in this theatre department that's good enough for you." That's a very endearing thing to say. And I'm not saying that because she said it, that she should automatically want the D or anything like that. But it really would be nice to hear someone say that, and for once, want to back it up.

The same girl that said that to me just responded with a "sorry, bro" when I tried to hang out with her this summer... When I made a flirty comment to her one time about going out, she told me "you're not on the A-list... you have a lot of guys you gotta pass up to get on the A-list".

So yea, I got a complex. Even when a girl has something nice to say about me, nobody is willing to back it up. I've seen first hand, from the horse's mouth, that I'm viewed as "undesirable" by women. And the few exceptions to that rule, of girls who have shown some sort of interest that something happened with, whether some form of sexual encounter, or an actual relationship, all of them couldn't -wait- to bail and get out of the situation as fast as they could. From Amanda, to Courtney, to my ex-girlfriend, to the 19 year old, they couldn't get away from me quick enough. And those are just the girls that gave me some sort of positive response at some point, that doesn't include the countless girls that rejected me without so much as a second though.

-----

As far as my emotional investment in my friends, I basically broke it down to a friend the other day. Specifically speaking about the theatre department, I've kinda broken up the department into 3 groups. There's my group of close friends that I've made that will probably be lifelong friends. There's another group of people, who are basically the foundation of the department, the people who were involved in anything and everything. Were in the fraternity (which I was also a part of), and basically just ran the department. The vast majority of these people, I have hardly had a bad experience with. They are all great people, and I love 'em all. But for whatever reason, I just never became close with most of 'em. Not through any ill will or anything, just never became too close. This is kind of what I'm talking about though... because I'm gonna miss all these people, and being around them, and doing things whether productions or social gatherings with them. They were a part of my life for 4 years - probably the most important 4 years of my life so far - so I'm always going to associate them with a good part of my life and think of them fondly. Reason why I feel too "invested" though is because I feel like they were more important to my life than I was to their's. I don't feel like they are really gonna miss me the way I miss them, or put forth an effort to keep in touch with me the way I'd like to put forth an effort to keep in touch with them. And that kinda sucks, and that kinda bothers me.

There's another group of people who, for whatever reasons that I'll never understand, just don't like me. I mean, that kinda sucks that they don't like me and have issues with me, because I never did anything negative (that I'm aware of) to them, and I always tried to be friends and friendly with them. One person in particular I did a lot of favors for without asking for anything in return, and now she's the main one that has problems with me, actively dislikes me, and came to my goodbye going away dinner and didn't say a single word to me just to make my professor who organized it happy. But whatever... I'm not too torn up about this group of people. They don't like me, they don't like me, whatever. I wish they did, but they don't, and with them those are the ones it's easier to just move on from.

But yea, I invest in people emotionally, probably way too much so, and it bothers me when it's not returned. I do care, and I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and I really shouldn't. But unfortunately I don't know how to turn it off no matter how much I try to shut it all down.

I agree with Webhead, these people don't sound like decent human beings.....

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Nell, I hang out with drunks, druggies and hobos... and they are all nicer than the people you seem to be surrounded by.

There are rare occasions in my life when I over hear something cruel or someone talking about me... and those people I just choose not to invest in.

If someone is talking smack about you, you don't go 'oh, they're probably right'.

You go 'Screw that ********' and you shake it off.

You not getting a women is as much about you being a beta male as it is about me being an alpha woman.

Sure, sometimes i've wondered if maybe the reason i'm not girlfriend material is because i'm not girly enough, not damselly enough etc. That maybe I should try and being more 'nice' and passive...

But ultimately it'd be completely pointless. Cause the real me would come out eventually

Like I said, it's not like every single beta male out there is single. And there are plenty of alpha males that ARE single and can't figure out why as well.

It's all so much more complicated than just this one way of being.

 

[slim_summers]

Nell, I think I see the problem. They're drama chicks, dude! They all be cray-cray. Meet some nice girls that don't work in theatre.