A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

[Erzengel]

You don't have to discuss every instance and every incidental thing. I know you'd like some reassurances that what you did was fine, and this was fine, but sometimes it's best not to bring things up again. And sometime's it's best to just let your actions speak louder than rehashing the same words over and over.

 

[DV8]

Here I am. Taken like 20 minutes ago. I usually wear makeup but I didn't today.

Spoiler

Damn. That would have been a good moment. But I didn't think of that. All I was thinking was "OhGodOhGodOhGod I almost got us in trouble with the cops! OhGodOhGodOhGod I'm the worst driver ever! OhGodOhGodOhGod He probably thinks I'm a maniac!"



We've talked quite a bit about those days, and a lot of the rep was bunk, but there was some truth to it at the same time. At least according to him. And he's never bragged about his experience with other girls. In fact, most of the time he seems ashamed when he talks about it.

Yes, if he were the same guy he were in high school he probably would exploit them. But he's not that guy now. To me that fact that he hasn't pressed the issue proves that he's changed.




He confessed last week that he has feelings for me, so I'm not sure if it's a "H.J.N.T.I.Y" type of thing. He's also said before he's surprised how much he's been restraining himself with me. It's probably for my sake considering my almost complete inexperience when it comes to physical stuff in relationships. Which is why I'm thinking that you guys are right and that I should make the first move.

ok; you're not bad; do either of you drink? you don't have to go out and get plastered (especially if you're of legal drinking age lol) but it will take the edge off if you go out and have a couple drinks, warm up to him; initiate physical contact; this can be a playful touch on the arm; knees rubbing together briefly; stuff like that; saying suggestive things like "I wonder if you're a good kisser"; jeez have some FUN here LOL and go for it JEEZ-US

 

[Anita18]

5th'ed

Angel, calm down! Making the wrong turn down a 1 way street, and getting pulled over by the cops is absolutely no reason for a guy to dump you. In fact it's one of those things that you both could look back on and laugh about later on. You were good until that 2nd text. If I received that, I would be having 2nd thoughts about the person sending it. Stop trying to be a perfect person, and just be a perfect you. He'll appreciate that a lot more.

That reminds me. When my ex and his now-wife were starting to date, he totaled his car while they were out. Not sure exactly what happened, but both ended up in the hospital with neck braces. She was quite sunny throughout the whole thing, and that probably cemented the he had for her.

I have pretty low self-esteem. From the first day of Kindergarten until some point in high school, I was bullied and called names pretty much every single day. Something like that has an effect on a person. For me, I assumed that if so many people thought something it must be true. And so I've never felt good enough. For guys, for my friends, for anyone. So in my mind I have to do everything the best I possibly can or he'll realize that I'm not and I'll wind up back where I was.

You've also got to realize that your best is still the best you can do, which isn't necessarily gonna be perfection 100% of the time. Just not humanly possible.

And I've been there too. When I was in HS I cried a few times because I didn't think I was pretty enough for anyone to ever love me. And yeah, that low self-esteem thing never quite goes away. Even now, when I'm out wearing something tight or short, when guys stare my first thought is always, "What do I have on my face?"

But you can certainly improve to where you can feel worthy of someone with all your imperfections.

My guess, that "rep" was bunk. Take a tip from me. I was a late bloomer, and one of the things that helped me was ignoring advice from guys with "reputations". Reputations are just noise. Just because your seen with a girl or can generate a bunch of rumors doesn't mean sh**. The guys who talk big games generally have the biggest problem backing it up. If he's seem to "outgrow" it, it's simply because he finally got into the real world. He's away from High School where he can create a persona to hide behind.

From what you've said he's probably a guy who gets strung along by a lot of girls (hence why he's seen with them) but probably dances around what he wants a lot. Anyone who talks about 'past relationships' or talks about how he used to be a "player" is more than likely talking about a person who never existed but represents all their missed opportunities. The fact that you've held out being physical with him to me also indicates he's not very assertive.

Don't take this the wrong way, but the insecurities you display on here, if he was any sort of "player" he would've exploited those a long time ago. As I say (and please don't text him yet), my wager is he's actually very anxious about physical relationships himself and if you took the lead I bet he'd follow.

I've met some people like that too. On the surface it looked like they were getting lots of tail, but in reality they had a lot of hangups about sex and were very self-conscious. You just never know.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

ok; you're not bad; do either of you drink? you don't have to go out and get plastered (especially if you're of legal drinking age lol) but it will take the edge off if you go out and have a couple drinks, warm up to him; initiate physical contact; this can be a playful touch on the arm; knees rubbing together briefly; stuff like that; saying suggestive things like "I wonder if you're a good kisser"; jeez have some FUN here LOL and go for it JEEZ-US

He's 23, I'm 21. He drinks, I don't really. Only time I've tasted alcohol was a few days ago when I took a few sips of a cherry-lime flavored Smirnoff (sp?). I've tried to avoid drinking because most of my biological dad's family are alcoholics. I'd rather not join them in that.

It's not like he and I don't touch at all. We hug, he touches my back a lot, I've playfully smacked his arm a few times, I've put a hand on his knee, when he hands me something I let my hand linger for a second or two when our hands touch, we've gotten in a pillow/tickle fight before.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

That reminds me. When my ex and his now-wife were starting to date, he totaled his car while they were out. Not sure exactly what happened, but both ended up in the hospital with neck braces. She was quite sunny throughout the whole thing, and that probably cemented the he had for her.


You've also got to realize that your best is still the best you can do, which isn't necessarily gonna be perfection 100% of the time. Just not humanly possible.

And I've been there too. When I was in HS I cried a few times because I didn't think I was pretty enough for anyone to ever love me. And yeah, that low self-esteem thing never quite goes away. Even now, when I'm out wearing something tight or short, when guys stare my first thought is always, "What do I have on my face?"

But you can certainly improve to where you can feel worthy of someone with all your imperfections.



I've met some people like that too. On the surface it looked like they were getting lots of tail, but in reality they had a lot of hangups about sex and were very self-conscious. You just never know.

That's a nice story. Not nice that they got hurt, but you know what I mean.

I'm exactly the same way. My mom and grandma point out that guys are checking me out and I never believe them.

I don't know how to improve it, but I think I'm at least a little more confident than I used to be.

 

[Anita18]

It's not like he and I don't touch at all. We hug, he touches my back a lot, I've playfully smacked his arm a few times, I've put a hand on his knee, when he hands me something I let my hand linger for a second or two when our hands touch, we've gotten in a pillow/tickle fight before.

LOL I think hand-holding comes before kissing. Or at least that's what I assumed when my bf planted one on my lips for the first time and my very first thought was, "Hmm, this is an interesting development..."

I told him later how the kiss had caught me off-guard because we hadn't even held hands yet! He hasn't had a ton of experience with other girls but he goes for what he wants in general, that's just his personality.

I don't know how to improve it, but I think I'm at least a little more confident than I used to be.

Being confident with your abilities eventually crosses over to your looks. Or at least puts your self-confidence less in your looks and more into the stuff you CAN do.

I feel the most confident not when I'm wearing something "sexy" (for the most part I'd be physically uncomfortable and awkward wearing it anyway ) but when I've achieved something really really awesome. I feel like "Yeah, I'm really good at this!" I get a little swagger in my walk and look people in the eye and I think people notice that even if I'm dressed like a schlump.

Do you have anything like that?

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Is it okay to tell a friend who's a girl that you had a sex-dream about her? I've known her for years and we joke with each other, drink together, talk about pretty much everything and are really cool with one another. But will telling her about something like a sex-dream make things weird and awkward regardless? I never thought I wanted to hook up with her, I just want to tell her for laughs (of course now the little Freud on my shoulder is saying "why would you have that dream unless you did want to hook up with her?").

 

[Anubis]

I smell a sitcom.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

LOL I think hand-holding comes before kissing. Or at least that's what I assumed when my bf planted one on my lips for the first time and my very first thought was, "Hmm, this is an interesting development..."

I told him later how the kiss had caught me off-guard because we hadn't even held hands yet! He hasn't had a ton of experience with other girls but he goes for what he wants in general, that's just his personality.


Being confident with your abilities eventually crosses over to your looks. Or at least puts your self-confidence less in your looks and more into the stuff you CAN do.

I feel the most confident not when I'm wearing something "sexy" (for the most part I'd be physically uncomfortable and awkward wearing it anyway ) but when I've achieved something really really awesome. I feel like "Yeah, I'm really good at this!" I get a little swagger in my walk and look people in the eye and I think people notice that even if I'm dressed like a schlump.

Do you have anything like that?

I've started to move my hand toward his to try and hold it before, but every time I do I flash back:

I was 16-17. I had a massive crush on the son of my mom's friend. My mom and I went to a baseball game with her friend and his family. The son, Corey, and I had gotten pretty close over the previous weeks and I decided to make a move during the game. I tried to hold his hand. My fingers had barely touched his when he jerked away and said "Don't touch me!" angrily. I sobbed for over an hour after we got home. Every single time I move to hold Ephraim's hand, I see Corey's angry expression.

I don't think I have anything I'm supremely good at. I think I'm a decent enough singer and I love to sing. Ever since I was a young child I've received pretty much nothing but praise for my voice. But ever since I started posting YouTube videos (some of which included me singing) I've been questioning my skills a bit.

 

[Anita18]

Is it okay to tell a friend who's a girl that you had a sex-dream about her? I've known her for years and we joke with each other, drink together, talk about pretty much everything and are really cool with one another. But will telling her about something like a sex-dream make things weird and awkward regardless? I never thought I wanted to hook up with her, I just want to tell her for laughs (of course now the little Freud on my shoulder is saying "why would you have that dream unless you did want to hook up with her?").

Er, I can be pretty vulgar with SHHers on Facebook but I'd definitely put the kibosh on sharing sex dreams about the other person.

And my dreams are stupid. I'm always hooking up with super-random acquaintances in my dreams and I wake up and I'm like, "I'm not even attracted to them! WTF subconscious!"

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

My dream-self is such a ****e. I think over the years I've had dream-sex with everyone from my old Math teacher to the weather-girl on TV.

 

[Anita18]

I've started to move my hand toward his to try and hold it before, but every time I do I flash back:

I was 16-17. I had a massive crush on the son of my mom's friend. My mom and I went to a baseball game with her friend and his family. The son, Corey, and I had gotten pretty close over the previous weeks and I decided to make a move during the game. I tried to hold his hand. My fingers had barely touched his when he jerked away and said "Don't touch me!" angrily. I sobbed for over an hour after we got home. Every single time I move to hold Ephraim's hand, I see Corey's angry expression.

I don't think I have anything I'm supremely good at. I think I'm a decent enough singer and I love to sing. Ever since I was a young child I've received pretty much nothing but praise for my voice. But ever since I started posting YouTube videos (some of which included me singing) I've been questioning my skills a bit.

How old are you now? Although 16-17 is still rather recent even in my time frame (I'm 27), especially to have something like that happen to you.

But yeah, you've really got to move on. But I bet you already know that. If you're on meds, are you with a therapist? Could be something to talk over with someone who can help you get through it. It certainly sounds traumatizing for someone of an impressionable age, but if it's still affecting you even though the guy is long gone, you've got to do something about it.

Oh, YouTube. That's the thing about the Internet - it's very global and as my mom would say, "Never think you're the best, because there will always be someone in the world better than you." I like to say that's why I relegated myself to mediocrity. But even with that, there are things that I am quite legitimately very good at. Not THE BEST, but when it comes to artistic things, it's all subjective anyway, right? So embrace your style!

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Her friend Corey sounds like an unbalanced lunatic. Who screams "don't touch me"?

Just go find someone else.

 

[Anubis]

My dream-self is such a ****e. I think over the years I've had dream-sex with everyone from my old Math teacher to the weather-girl on TV.

If you can't be a ho in your dreams, then whats the point of dreaming?

Don't tell her, unless you're both drunk. Who knows? You may end up doing something awesome that you'll both regret for the rest of your lives.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

My life would turn into one of those terrible rom-coms starring Ashton Kutcher.

 

[Anubis]

Minus all the sexy people of course.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Well.... no 50 year olds, that's for sure.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

How old are you now? Although 16-17 is still rather recent even in my time frame (I'm 27), especially to have something like that happen to you.

But yeah, you've really got to move on. But I bet you already know that. If you're on meds, are you with a therapist? Could be something to talk over with someone who can help you get through it. It certainly sounds traumatizing for someone of an impressionable age, but if it's still affecting you even though the guy is long gone, you've got to do something about it.

Oh, YouTube. That's the thing about the Internet - it's very global and as my mom would say, "Never think you're the best, because there will always be someone in the world better than you." I like to say that's why I relegated myself to mediocrity. But even with that, there are things that I am quite legitimately very good at. Not THE BEST, but when it comes to artistic things, it's all subjective anyway, right? So embrace your style!

I'm 21 now.

It's more than just Corey, though. That sort of thing happened almost every single time I'd try to make a move with a guy. Even my first crush: Neil Sing. I was 9 and had just started liking boys. I told him I thought he was cute, he pushed me down. He hated me and I didn't know why. I still don't. When I was 15, this guy Dustin Brighton said yes when I asked him out, but it was nothing but a sick joke. Guys would pretend to like me all the time just for a laugh. Not to mention the countless "No"s and "Just Friends" speeches I've gotten through the years. I know I have to move on from that, but it's hard to. Before now the only sort of legitimate interest from the opposite sex that I got was online. And with my history I thought that was all I was ever going to get. And I had accepted that. But then Ephraim happened.

No, I don't see a therapist. I probably should, but lack of money and no insurance doesn't exactly make it a pleasant sounding option.

 

[steintym]

I'm with Optimus on Angel's guy ... I bet he's not nearly as experienced as he would like others to think. I'm guessing he's dying for Angel to make a move.

If you go out to karaoke again (or a similar setting), Angel, you should plant a kiss on him. I really think he's waiting for you to move things along.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

/\ Angel Faerie

Sounds to me from what you've written, that (a) some of this is a self-image problem ... and (b) some of it is related to the type of guys you get involved with (who seem kinda *****y and not sure of themselves or what they want).

 

[Anita18]

I'm 21 now.

It's more than just Corey, though. That sort of thing happened almost every single time I'd try to make a move with a guy. Even my first crush: Neil Sing. I was 9 and had just started liking boys. I told him I thought he was cute, he pushed me down. He hated me and I didn't know why. I still don't. When I was 15, this guy Dustin Brighton said yes when I asked him out, but it was nothing but a sick joke. Guys would pretend to like me all the time just for a laugh. Not to mention the countless "No"s and "Just Friends" speeches I've gotten through the years. I know I have to move on from that, but it's hard to. Before now the only sort of legitimate interest from the opposite sex that I got was online. And with my history I thought that was all I was ever going to get. And I had accepted that. But then Ephraim happened.

No, I don't see a therapist. I probably should, but lack of money and no insurance doesn't exactly make it a pleasant sounding option.

Well honestly, you're still young. A lot of guys are still immature jerks until well into their 20's.

A therapist would sound like a good idea for you, actually. I remember some guys used to ask my out for kicks, but I don't even remember their names. I know my insurance picks it up, because the postdoc just finished a bunch of sessions to figure out what he's gonna do with his life. You're not 26 - are you still under your parents' insurance? Or do they not have insurance either?

 

[steintym]

Is it okay to tell a friend who's a girl that you had a sex-dream about her? I've known her for years and we joke with each other, drink together, talk about pretty much everything and are really cool with one another. But will telling her about something like a sex-dream make things weird and awkward regardless? I never thought I wanted to hook up with her, I just want to tell her for laughs (of course now the little Freud on my shoulder is saying "why would you have that dream unless you did want to hook up with her?").

DO you want to hook up with her?

I'd probably tell her for the laughs too, but she might take it that you're interested in something other than laughs.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Well honestly, you're still young. A lot of guys are still immature jerks until well into their 20's.

A therapist would sound like a good idea for you, actually. I remember some guys used to ask my out for kicks, but I don't even remember their names. I know my insurance picks it up, because the postdoc just finished a bunch of sessions to figure out what he's gonna do with his life. You're not 26 - are you still under your parents' insurance? Or do they not have insurance either?

My mom and stepdad were going to put me on their insurance, but then I found out my college gives out insurance so I told them not to. Then the school's insurance dumped me when I dropped a class, putting me down to 6 credits. So I'm stuck without insurance. But to be honest their insurance isn't very good. And my stepdad told me he'd make me pay my portion of it or whatever, which I think is ********. I don't have $100-$150 a month that I can shell out! But my stepdad is a whole other rant altogether.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

DO you want to hook up with her?

I'd probably tell her for the laughs too, but she might take it that you're interested in something other than laughs.

I'm a guy and she has breasts, so of course I am a soulless creature that wants base sexual satisfaction from her on some level. But on an intellectual level, I don't want a relationship with her and I don't want sex with her at the expense of our friendship, because we have a really cool, open friendship (and the 'friends-with-benefits' thing is a Hollywood myth that never works in real life).

Plus, I have a girlfriend. So yeah, probably should add that.

 

[steintym]

I'm a guy and she has breasts, so of course I am a soulless creature that wants base sexual satisfaction from her on some level. But on an intellectual level, I don't want a relationship with her and I don't want sex with her at the expense of our friendship, because we have a really cool, open friendship (and the 'friends-with-benefits' thing is a Hollywood myth that never works in real life).

Plus, I have a girlfriend. So yeah, probably should add that.

I was going to answer an entirely different way until I read your last sentence. t:

Probably best to just let it go ...