Attack of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[terry78]

The only way you really get away with not owning a car as a young dude is if you live in a large city where driving just ain't feasible.

 

[Erzengel]

eh, I'd say my biggest turn off would be if I knew the woman was really in love with someone else, and wasn't genuinely in love with me, no matter how much I liked her, I wouldn't want to live a lie.

.....yeah.....that's #1 for me too.

Also, penmanship, and the inability to name all 50 states.

 

[Erzengel]

I was texting a girl last night that I'm talking to (first date tomorrow) and, in reply to something she said, I said, "You're like a taller, way better looking Yoda." I then turned to my friend and said, "If her reply is "these are not the droids you're looking for", I'll marry her." In hindsight, it probably would've been better to use an actual yoda line, but you get the idea. Oh, and she didn't.

This girl now, I'm being totally upfront with from the beginning. I told her the other night I'm a comic nerd and today I told her I don't own a car. I think the car one is harder for me to tell girls lol. I guess I associate being a responsible adult with owning a car. Although, she's the one who told my friend she had a crush on me so I have way more confidence when I'm the one being persued. Naturally. As for the comics thing, I find it way easier to talk about these days since being into the whole fitness and mma thing. That gives you quite a bit of slack in all other departments.

Also, I think I might just being upfront with all my stuff because I can tell this one is definitely a girl that would be more than a one night stand and I have a crippling fear of relationships.

I know I joke about this subject, but honestly, I've never had a first date where this was an issue. And I'm not trying to bypass the subject, it just doesn't come up. I'm too busy coming off as charming and keeping the subject on her, that it's really not brought up.

Sometimes I'm wondering if some of you are overanalyzing it.

 

[Poeman]

So my friend just told me that this girl that she will hopefully finally introduce me to tomorrow smokes and has a tattoo and is planning on getting more. I already knew that she drinks, but I was willing to look past that. But now, knowing what else she does, those are pretty much my big three turn-offs in a girl.

smoking is a turn off for me too, basically a deal breaker for me

Tattoos all over is another. One or two is fine, but I dont want to see a painting on your body lol

 

[Anubis]

Yeah but if she smokes she pokes.

 

[Poeman]

I was texting a girl last night that I'm talking to (first date tomorrow) and, in reply to something she said, I said, "You're like a taller, way better looking Yoda." I then turned to my friend and said, "If her reply is "these are not the droids you're looking for", I'll marry her." In hindsight, it probably would've been better to use an actual yoda line, but you get the idea. Oh, and she didn't.

This girl now, I'm being totally upfront with from the beginning. I told her the other night I'm a comic nerd and today I told her I don't own a car. I think the car one is harder for me to tell girls lol. I guess I associate being a responsible adult with owning a car. Although, she's the one who told my friend she had a crush on me so I have way more confidence when I'm the one being persued. Naturally. As for the comics thing, I find it way easier to talk about these days since being into the whole fitness and mma thing. That gives you quite a bit of slack in all other departments.

Also, I think I might just being upfront with all my stuff because I can tell this one is definitely a girl that would be more than a one night stand and I have a crippling fear of relationships.

I was alot like you...I am upfront with everything and nothing wrong with that if this girl is someone you know can be more then just a one night stand. If you want more, being upfront and joking about things like 'not owning a car' would not even matter.

I am a guy and i dont know how to drive lol, my gf drives me around...Before you all laugh. I grew up in Manhattan all of my life. No need to drive

 

[Polaris23]

So my friend just told me that this girl that she will hopefully finally introduce me to tomorrow smokes and has a tattoo and is planning on getting more. I already knew that she drinks, but I was willing to look past that. But now, knowing what else she does, those are pretty much my big three turn-offs in a girl.

That sucks. I feel the same way. But this girl I'm interested in, I found out she smokes + drinks long after I got into her, so it would've been a turn off, but I like her too much already. However, if I found out she had 5 tattoos it'd be a major turn off. Then again, I already know she finds tattoos gross, so bonus points for that.

 

[Anubis]

Wtf do you people have against tats?

 

[SpideyVille]

smoking is a turn off for me too, basically a deal breaker for me

Tattoos all over is another. One or two is fine, but I dont want to see a painting on your body lol

That sucks. I feel the same way. But this girl I'm interested in, I found out she smokes + drinks long after I got into her, so it would've been a turn off, but I like her too much already. However, if I found out she had 5 tattoos it'd be a major turn off. Then again, I already know she finds tattoos gross, so bonus points for that.

The funny thing is my friend made her sound like she was the perfect girl for me, then she told me fairly late that she likes to smoke and wants tattoos. Kinda reminds me of that episode of How I Met Your Mother where they talk about that moment where you find out something about the person you're dating that "spoils" the perfect image that you had of them.

But something one of my friends asked me was would I still turn down a Ferrari just it had a scratch or a dent on it. That has made me at least want to give it a shot.

 

[Mac_Hine]

Most talk about what you should do on a date but not a lot of people talk about how you should BE. First, stay out of your head as much as possible. I know it's hard but this will totally relax you. It may sound a little self-helpy but be totally present within yourself and with her. Be more in your body and once in a while take slow, deep breaths if need be. Being totally preset and out of your head, you will start to notice things that naturally arise. You will not run out of things to say this way. Next, be naturally curious about her. Don't just throw stuff out there with no true appreciation to try to fill in gaps of 'dead' conversation. Actually ask something that really interest you about her. She will totally feel it and you will make a better connection with her. And last, stand up for yourself, even if it has to do something with her. Meaning have integrity on who you are. Be ok with the fact that you are a sexual being. You also don't want to be somebody that people walk all over you. This way of BEING should help on your date there SpideyVille.

 

[Mac_Hine]

The funny thing is my friend made her sound like she was the perfect girl for me, then she told me fairly late that she likes to smoke and wants tattoos. Kinda reminds me of that episode of How I Met Your Mother where they talk about that moment where you find out something about the person you're dating that "spoils" the perfect image that you had of them.

But something one of my friends asked me was would I still turn down a Ferrari just it had a scratch or a dent on it. That has made me at least want to give it a shot.

You should give it a shot at least to get some dating experience. And hey, you might accidently have fun too .

 

[WillardNation]

Wtf do you people have against tats?

That's what I'm sayin. I love tattooed girls.

 

[Godzilla2000]

It actually sounds like you're just grabbing the first thing that comes along. Be a little pickier and you'll eventually find a guy who wouldn't be satisfied with just nameless sex.

Then again you could become me and be absolutely single for 6 years until meeting my bf on an online dating site. But he's a very decent guy and not afraid of commitment, so I suppose I can't complain.

Well, the thing is that I don't just jump at the first guy I see that shows a passing interest in me. I mostly just like to be my wacky self and see where it goes. I guess I'm just not enough of a blank slate for most guys to handle because I've always gotten one of two reactions just being myself:

1.) "I want you too much so I don't know if I want you at all.

2.) "I just want to have sex with you and that's it."

I don't know if this has anything to do with but I have a natural 38D bra size and that has always been a problem for me in that I feel like guys can't see past that and see the truth of who I really am. I know some people would say "Get plastic surgery." but you know, why do I need to change for other people all the time? Why can't they wake up and just open their eyes wide? Why are other people's misconceptions my problem? All they need to do is speak up and I will tell them what my reality is, no need for assumptions. I don't know if any of you are have realized this by now but I have no problem telling people what's on my mind and just how I tick.

That said I know that guys don't intend to hurt me deeply, but I'd be lying if I didn't say they wound my heart deeply when they say the things that they do to me. I feel like I'm just absolutely worthless because of all the God given physical attributes I was Cursed/Blessed with and not fit to be a lifelong companion for a man.

 

[WillardNation]

The only way you really get away with not owning a car as a young dude is if you live in a large city where driving just ain't feasible.

And unfortunately, I don't. It's bugging the **** out of me and I'm gonna take care of it asap. This has gone on for too long.

 

[Anita18]

Well, the thing is that I don't just jump at the first guy I see that shows a passing interest in me. I mostly just like to be my wacky self and see where it goes. I guess I'm just not enough of a blank slate for most guys to handle because I've always gotten one of two reactions just being myself:

1.) "I want you too much so I don't know if I want you at all.

2.) "I just want to have sex with you and that's it."

WTF does that even MEAN?

Any guy who said that to me would totally get my judgmental "I don't think you're smart enough for me" side-eye.

As for the second note...if you were really that hot, wouldn't a guy want to keep you around to sleep with all the time?

Again, would get my judgmental side-eye.

I don't know if this has anything to do with but I have a natural 38D bra size and that has always been a problem for me in that I feel like guys can't see past that and see the truth of who I really am. I know some people would say "Get plastic surgery." but you know, why do I need to change for other people all the time? Why can't they wake up and just open their eyes wide? Why are other people's misconceptions my problem? All they need to do is speak up and I will tell them what my reality is, no need for assumptions. I don't know if any of you are have realized this by now but I have no problem telling people what's on my mind and just how I tick.

That said I know that guys don't intend to hurt me deeply, but I'd be lying if I didn't say they wound my heart deeply when they say the things that they do to me. I feel like I'm just absolutely worthless because of all the God given physical attributes I was Cursed/Blessed with and not fit to be a lifelong companion for a man.

Yeah that does suck. I have the opposite problem and after trying to compensate using pushup bras and padding, I decided to just use them au naturale to weed out the guys who were only interested in breasts. Which apparently turned out to be most of them. But it worked out fine in the end cause I found a rare someone who didn't care about my lack of breasticles.

But it's definitely not a curse you have to bear forever. I have a friend who's naturally 30E (seriously, and she's Asian too!) and she's getting married next month to a guy who she's been with for nearly 10 years. If anything, she uses the boob stare test to judge if a guy is taking her seriously - she's one of the smartest people I know and wouldn't stand a guy who didn't acknowledge her past her breasts.

Another friend of mine wears a 32DD and she got married to her high school sweetheart, and they survived the dreaded LDR while she was in college out of state.

I'm curious what makes you think that it's your physical appearance that could be holding you back. If your personality really is as strong as it is here, I find that most guys don't see the physical stuff nearly as much and see you for your strong personality. I think that's how it worked out for my well-endowed friends - their unique and unabashed personalities are the first things people see and so their boobs don't precede them.

 

[Godzilla2000]

And unfortunately, I don't. It's bugging the **** out of me and I'm gonna take care of it asap. This has gone on for too long.

I don't own a car nor do I know how to drive and I live in a small town. At this point in time cars are just way too expensive to own anyway even if I did know how to drive. Gas prices are astronomical, all the things you have to pay for as pertaining to a vehicle can be overwhelming and then you have to worry about all the repair costs down the line.

 

[Godzilla2000]

WTF does that even MEAN?

Being a woman I just can't give you any insight on that statement. I'm just as puzzled as you are about how you can want some one but yet not want them. I guess not even guys know how to explain it because they never stick around long enough, of course my tears might have something to do with that. The rather nasty side effect of that sort of puzzling rejection though is that I become a total Ice Queen afterwards and a wall just comes right up between me and the guy whatsoever. It's just a defense mechanism for me to blot a guy out of existence in my mind when it's apparent there's going to be no future between us. It's just too painful for me to even be around them at all. Oh if I could tell you about all the exes I have completely wiped from my mind...but I can't because I don't even remember them. You know, I just wish someone would tell me what I do wrong by being my funny, spontaneous self.

I'm curious what makes you think that it's your physical appearance that could be holding you back. If your personality really is as strong as it is here, I find that most guys don't see the physical stuff nearly as much and see you for your strong personality. I think that's how it worked out for my well-endowed friends - their unique and unabashed personalities are the first things people see and so their boobs don't precede them.

I don't know...it's just been my experience that when I meet a guy they always just want to hop into bed after the first few dates. But most of the time what I really need is just a guy to hold me in a warm embrace. I crave that affectionate human contact that doesn't involve sex all the time. I guess it's just an instinct that manifests itself from birth to feel safe and secure in someone's arms. I guess people too used to temporary flings can't grasp that love is more than just sex and physical appearances.

 

[Anita18]

Being a woman I just can't give you any insight on that statement. I'm just as puzzled as you are about how you can want some one but yet not want them. I guess not even guys know how to explain it because they never stick around long enough, of course my tears might have something to do with that. The rather nasty side effect of that sort of puzzling rejection though is that I become a total Ice Queen afterwards and a wall just comes right up between me and the guy whatsoever. It's just a defense mechanism for me to blot a guy out of existence in my mind when it's apparent there's going to be no future between us. It's just too painful for me to even be around them at all. Oh if I could tell you about all the exes I have completely wiped from my mind...but I can't because I don't even remember them. You know, I just wish someone would tell me what I do wrong by being my funny, spontaneous self.

Maybe it has something to do with the parts of you that aren't funny and spontaneous. After all, if your main personality trait is spontaneity, you might attract spontaneous guys who are afraid to commit because what they want changes all the time.

My sister's bf is like that - early in their relationship he cheated on her even though he told her outright he wanted to be with her and he saw them going long-term. She told me HE was actually more upset about it that she was, because he didn't know what he wanted. He doesn't strike me as a bad guy, just someone whose emotions and wants were flighty. They're still together and she's laid down the law on certain things.

I think that's how I attract long-term-commitment guys. (I've been with my current bf 3 years and going, and my very first bf for 1.5 years. Every other guy I dated I only went on a date once or twice.) Even though I'm happy-go-lucky and quick with a smile/laugh, I think I definitely give off some of the non-nonsense "don't bother wasting my time" vibe and people pick up on it. I rarely find myself unnecessarily mired in drama from both men and women.

It's very possible that you come off TOO spontaneous and guys aren't picking up that you want something serious. But of course you can't just tell guys on the first date that you want to get married and have kids - normally that's the death knell for a budding relationship.

I don't know...it's just been my experience that when I meet a guy they always just want to hop into bed after the first few dates. But most of the time what I really need is just a guy to hold me in a warm embrace. I crave that affectionate human contact that doesn't involve sex all the time. I guess it's just an instinct that manifests itself from birth to feel safe and secure in someone's arms. I guess people too used to temporary flings can't grasp that love is more than just sex and physical appearances.

I'm not sure where you are, but I roll with a decidedly non-small-town, non-religious crowd and it's not what I see at all. People are very respectful of each other and wish to pursue deep connections.

Again, the only explanation is perhaps you're coming off too spontaneous and so guys think that's how you are in your private life too. But that's just from how you've explained things here.

 

[Godzilla2000]

Even though I'm happy-go-lucky and quick with a smile/laugh, I think I definitely give off some of the non-nonsense "don't bother wasting my time" vibe and people pick up on it. I rarely find myself unnecessarily mired in drama from both men and women.

Well, this is basically the way I usually am, very happy go lucky. I hate wasting my time on people who aren't interested in anything long term at all and I let them know it by the way I act and talk. Like I said earlier I have a Ying/Yang personality and there's definitely a darker personality inside me that's a remnant of my teen years where I was constantly being bullied and harassed by people who refused to show me any sort of compassion whatsoever. That's where the frost factor with people that have hurt me deeply comes into play and why I tend to try to block them out of my mind so that I can move on. I'm trying my best to amend this facet of my personality but when people are insulting and mean to me, especially when I don't "put out" it makes it hard for me to display my cheerful side.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Any guy who said that to me would totally get my judgmental "I don't think you're smart enough for me" side-eye.

Yeah, I don't think I would enjoy being with someone who wasn't smart enough to appreciate my intelligence.

In actual fact, I have thinking about my adult life, and realise that I have never been mentally and physically healthy, like ever. I've suffered from emotionally crippling body dysmorphia, and had a dependance on alcohol as a result, was depressed about that and self medicated with marajuana...and most devastating of all, developed tinnitus which hampers my thought processes. Then I developed allergies that have given me constant headaches and 'fuzzy' thinking, making it impossible for me to get anormal night's sleep for over two years.

A lot of people take their intelligence for granted, they have never been humbled by extreme ill health, and when they don't take these kind of things into consideration when evaluating you it just shows a level of ignoarance and arrogance that reveals the fact they are really not as smart as they think they are.
In other words, they would most likely not have been as smart or creative as you were under those same conditions.

What I'm looking forward to now, is getting back to being 100% healthy in mind and body, and 'finding myself.'
I actually feel better no longer having the pressure of a relationship bearing down on me, I never went looking for relationships during this period of my extreme ill health, they were kind of forced upon me, I was in no state to be in one whatsoever.

and when you combine the fact that you had countless people all interfering in the relationship, taking advantage of the fact that you were debilitated, and doing everything in their power to push you over the edge so you would inadvertantly hurt the person, so they would dump you, it all adds up to an impossible situation that you could have done nothing about, no matter what you did.

So, y'know, I will meet someone at some point, I mean, I always had a lot of female attention even when I was a totally messed up alcoholic(hence why I was never really successful that often).
As long as they are genuinely nice, humble, into art and creativity in some way or other, and don't have a bunch of assneck friends all trying to interfere in your lifes, I will be happy.

and even before that happens, i'm gonna have a ball just feeling healthy again, getting back my natural intelligence that I have never been able to access to it's full potential.
I am going to be frickin amazing, haha.

Superman by night, James Bond by day, or vice versa, and I'm not talking about bedding lots of random women, I'm talking about making money by playing texas hold em poker, haha, I always wanted to do that, no shi**y menial jobs for me thank you very much.

 

[Hound55]

1.) "I want you too much so I don't know if I want you at all.

2.) "I just want to have sex with you and that's it."

WTF does that even MEAN?

We have a term for it way down here...

We call it "being full of s***"...

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

One great thing about a relationship coming to an end is when you have a bunch of sadists all waiting for you to totally crumble into despair, but when you actually get some perspective on what was actually going on, you feel better for it all being over, and are genuinely relieved.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

.....yeah.....that's #1 for me too.

Aye, that is one thing that I would hate, if I was some big good looking hunk, and deep down I knew that the person was only sitting there with me because of that fact, whereas their heart was somewhere else entirely.

 

[Hound55]

One great thing about a relationship coming to an end is when you have a bunch of sadists all waiting for you to totally crumble into despair, but when you actually get some perspective on what was actually going on, you feel better for it all being over, and are genuinely relieved.

This is troubling because either you're so paranoid that you think there's some horde of *****ebags whose entire lives revolve around in taking joy from your misery... or it's factual and there actually are people that pathetic.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

This is troubling because either you're so paranoid that you think there's some horde of *****ebags whose entire lives revolve around in taking joy from your misery... or it's factual and there actually are people that pathetic.

I'm not miserable.
Another thing that helps is when someone else points out the fact that the person you loved always thought you were stupid, which reveals the fact that they never took your health problems seriously.