The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - Part 27

[Anita18]

Spoiler

Those who can't, teach.

I'm the hot Asian woman in my relationship, so what does that mean?

 

[terry78]

Freud has an answer somewhere.

Me and knows have been doing this dance for years.

 

[Anita18]

So this is a frustrating new development.

My boyfriend is someone I met THROUGH a couple of the female friends i've made in Bristol - two girls in particular. And they both encouraged me to go for it.

Now... they are acting like he is no good for me. To the point where it seems like they are looking for things to dislike about him and blowing them out of proportion.

Example - on my birthday, a friend of mine was visiting who loves acid. Neither I nor my boyfriend are interested in the stuff, but his housemate was selling some so he said he'd see if he had any left.

He came back with 4 fruit pastels still in the packet. He warned him that he wasn't sure if they were duds, they were the last of what the guy had.

I don't see anything dodgy about that from his side of things...

But apparently they were discussing it between themselves for ages, deciding that he must have known they were duds and he was intentionally ripping him off... and then took it even further and were suggesting to people that maybe he just bought them in a shop and ripped the packet up... and then EVEN further to suggest that he was doing it in an attempt to somehow ruin my birthday...

I mean, I know that's not what happened. And my friend who bought the stuff got on with my boyfriend SO well... there was just no problem there at all. They have a lot in common and he obviously didn't feel like he'd been stitched on purpose.

But it annoyed me that my friend then thought it important enough to 'warn me' about it.

I don't know why it bugs me so much... it just does. Why all of a sudden are you trying to make out like i'm being an idiot for being with him? Like he's some kind of bad egg.

On the plus side... I actually got so wound up thinking about it last night, it made me feel very protective over him. So I went to his and just cuddled up with him and watched science documentaries with him (have recently discovered he's also a closet science nerd).

I don't really know how I feel about him in general... but I know that he's been nothing but nice to me. He is affectionate and thoughtful and shares so many common interests with me that the more we seem to learn about each other, the deeper a connection we are getting - even though he admits he's usually always got his guard up.

He might be a bit of a stoner bum, might put on a bit of a bragging air that comes mostly from insecurity... but he's not a BAD person.

And if my friends are going to start accusing him of stuff like that, to me, with absolutely no proof other than their unfounded suspicion...

Then i'm going to have an issue

So the honest and open communication in relationships...that means friendships too.

 

[knowsbleed]

I'm the hot Asian woman in my relationship, so what does that mean?

It means that men with yellow fever everywhere are jealous of your husband.

Freud has an answer somewhere.

Me and knows have been doing this dance for years.

Just shut up and put a ring on it.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Do those female friends have boyfriends?

Nope. I'm sure there is a large element of not wanting our group dynamic to change.

So the honest and open communication in relationships...that means friendships too.

Actually took your advice before you even gave it... it's like i'm getting so good at knowing what wisdom you will impart, I don't really need to ask it anymore

I spoke to my friend and we cleared the air. She said that basically... she doesn't really like him, she's probably never going to really see him as a friend and she definitely thinks I could do better. But that he's been in her social group longer than she's known me and she's fine with him being around and is still able to be friendly with him.

She also said she would be really sad if I felt uncomfortable inviting him to things or talking about him, so she hopes I don't do that... but if he screws me over, she'll kill him

I was satisfied with that

Her Dad always hated me. That whole "you're taking my daughter away" mentality, which I always find kinda strange. I think living separately is gonna be good for us. We've always agreed to stop working together. We're both trying to start film careers, which is stressful enough without worrying about working with your significant other. Most of our fights were work related.

Yeah I think a bit of space sounds like a good idea.

There are people who can live and work together. But those couples are rare, and there is absolutely no shame in not being one of them.

 

[Anita18]

Nope. I'm sure there is a large element of not wanting our group dynamic to change.

I think part of it's that she's afraid she's going to lose you. People really hate losing things.

Actually took your advice before you even gave it... it's like i'm getting so good at knowing what wisdom you will impart, I don't really need to ask it anymore

I spoke to my friend and we cleared the air. She said that basically... she doesn't really like him, she's probably never going to really see him as a friend and she definitely thinks I could do better. But that he's been in her social group longer than she's known me and she's fine with him being around and is still able to be friendly with him.

She also said she would be really sad if I felt uncomfortable inviting him to things or talking about him, so she hopes I don't do that... but if he screws me over, she'll kill him

I was satisfied with that

My husband isn't exactly friends with my friends. He doesn't feel comfortable around them, because the only friends he likes being around are from his programming circles from his old jobs or from skateboarding, and that describes zero of my friends. We tend to hang out with our own friends for that reason, but it's not because they hate him. It's him who feels uncomfortable

I find it interesting that friends and family can think that someone "could do better." I mean, what does that even mean? Maybe since she knows you both, there's an actual specific reason? But for the most part, when people say that, they mean that you could get someone better-looking or makes more money.

I'm pretty lucky - my family was a bit awkward about my husband at first (since he's awkward and socially anxious), but they warmed up to him when they saw us interact. Whereas my sister's ex has all the "better" qualities on paper: he's good-looking, charming, super-crazy-brilliant-smart, makes crap tons of money....but my family didn't like him much the first time they saw him interact with my sister.

There are people who can live and work together. But those couples are rare, and there is absolutely no shame in not being one of them.

The work that my husband and I do, we could actually do together to make a product, but we haven't. Maybe for that reason, but mostly because I'm not interested in the industry he's working in anyway.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I think part of it's that she's afraid she's going to lose you. People really hate losing things.

Yeah it's very true! But i'm going to make a huge effort to maintain my independance.

I mean, I want to be able to bring him to the occasional social thing... Because, as ridiculous as it sounds, I want people to SEE i'm not single occasionally... If they never saw us together, i'd feel almost like I had an imaginary boyfriend

And it's good that he's someone I can go to parties with and not worry about whether he thinks i'm cool, or whether he thinks i'm making a tit of myself... I mean, I flat out passed out on the sofa at my friends party the other night and he just gently woke me up and half carried me to bed and tucked me up

But there will still be plenty I wanna do with just the girls. And I wanna make sure I don't invite him to everything... I nearly did that the other day when I was supposed to be going to see a movie with a girlfriend and he wanted to come... But I need to put my foot down so that my friends still feel like they can invite me to things and it doesn't mean he has to come too.

My husband isn't exactly friends with my friends. He doesn't feel comfortable around them, because the only friends he likes being around are from his programming circles from his old jobs or from skateboarding, and that describes zero of my friends. We tend to hang out with our own friends for that reason, but it's not because they hate him. It's him who feels uncomfortable

I find it interesting that friends and family can think that someone "could do better." I mean, what does that even mean? Maybe since she knows you both, there's an actual specific reason? But for the most part, when people say that, they mean that you could get someone better-looking or makes more money.

It's not that people hate him... He's just... Well I get what people think is annoying

He deals with his insecurities by bragging. The more people he is around, the worse it gets

It doesn't bother me at all. In fact, the other day we were hanging with his friend and he was attempting to do his bragging thing, and I just kept going 'Is that so?' And cocking my head at him with a cheeky grin on my face, and his friend was falling about laughing saying 'I like this girl'.

Cause honestly, I think guys like it when you don't take their ******** sometimes

It does make me wonder how i'm ever going to introduce him to my mum or any of my family tho... I HOPE if we got to that stage, that I could talk to him about how he sometimes comes across and just ask him to be wary of it with my mum, cause I think she'd hate it

Plus... Well he's a stoner, doesn't remotely have his life sorted, and puts up this 'I have no worries in the world' attitude (which is again, ********). Which is why my friend thinks I can do better.

But I think a lot of her 'confusion' is that she's dumped people for so much less. So I guess that makes her think i'm just settling.

She dumps people if her friends don't think they are cool. Or if they don't have a decent job. Or if they aren't good looking enough.

Personally, there's not much in that vein that matters to me.

What makes me fall for someone is how they treat me. The things they talk about. The memories they share with me. The ease with which we can enjoy each others company. And the similar way we see life.

All of those parts are going incredibly well.

So well I'm actually feeling... Something.

I still don't wanna say 'love' yet cause I feel like that takes longer to earn.

But I know that i'm exhibiting some of my own classic signs.

1. I had a day dream about him proposing.
2. I had an actual dream in which he saved me from an attempted rape... Wearing a vest top and looking very muscly
3. I'm going away from 5 days, only saw him to say goodbye a few hours ago... And I feel like I miss him. I know I will miss him quite a bit.
4. I'm actually starting to look forward to him staying with me for a bit... Cause I actually like it when he's around.

... Bit of a turn around, hey? And I was wondering if I even COULD feel like this

But I guess this is just what my brain has learned to do.

If you won't call it a relationship, my brain has built really good defense mechanisms to shut all this stuff out.

But once we've admitted it... Well, I guess the walls start breaking down

The work that my husband and I do, we could actually do together to make a product, but we haven't. Maybe for that reason, but mostly because I'm not interested in the industry he's working in anyway.

You guys are just so chill tho. I mean, you just know how your relationship works and what suits you both. And you don't have to worry about what it 'should' be like or what people think about it.

 

[Anita18]

It's not that people hate him... He's just... Well I get what people think is annoying.

He deals with his insecurities by bragging. The more people he is around, the worse it gets

It doesn't bother me at all. In fact, the other day we were hanging with his friend and he was attempting to do his bragging thing, and I just kept going 'Is that so?' And cocking my head at him with a cheeky grin on my face, and his friend was falling about laughing saying 'I like this girl'.

Cause honestly, I think guys like it when you don't take their ******** sometimes

The "take no bull****" kind of girlfriend or wife is the best kind.

Totally speaking from experience here. I love 'em.

But yeah, personally I couldn't stand being around someone who was so insecure, but that's a personal preference and if he doesn't take it out on you, then it's whatever.

But you do want to make sure he handles his own insecurities and doesn't take them out on you. Despite my sister's ex's "perfection" on paper, he was quite insecure and it stressed him out, and he would take it out on her. Not direct abuse, but by just being a miserable lout to be around, and insinuating that it was her job to keep him stress-free by making sure everything around him was perfect (which was impossible in his mental state). I told her, that wasn't her job, and it was unfair of him to put that responsibility on her.

I mean, we all have our insecurities, but we also have to acknowledge that it's our responsibility to take care of.

Plus... Well he's a stoner, doesn't remotely have his life sorted, and puts up this 'I have no worries in the world' attitude (which is again, ********). Which is why my friend thinks I can do better.

But I think a lot of her 'confusion' is that she's dumped people for so much less. So I guess that makes her think i'm just settling.

She dumps people if her friends don't think they are cool. Or if they don't have a decent job. Or if they aren't good looking enough.

Personally, there's not much in that vein that matters to me.

What makes me fall for someone is how they treat me. The things they talk about. The memories they share with me. The ease with which we can enjoy each others company. And the similar way we see life.

All of those parts are going incredibly well.

Right, just as suspected what most people mean when they say "You could do better."

I think she would have dumped my husband too. I think a lot of people would have dumped either of us for not being perfect on paper, but that's all just superficial stuff, for the most part. How they treat you is what lasts long-term.

So well I'm actually feeling... Something.

I still don't wanna say 'love' yet cause I feel like that takes longer to earn.

But I know that i'm exhibiting some of my own classic signs.

1. I had a day dream about him proposing.
2. I had an actual dream in which he saved me from an attempted rape... Wearing a vest top and looking very muscly
3. I'm going away from 5 days, only saw him to say goodbye a few hours ago... And I feel like I miss him. I know I will miss him quite a bit.
4. I'm actually starting to look forward to him staying with me for a bit... Cause I actually like it when he's around.

... Bit of a turn around, hey? And I was wondering if I even COULD feel like this

But I guess this is just what my brain has learned to do.

If you won't call it a relationship, my brain has built really good defense mechanisms to shut all this stuff out.

But once we've admitted it... Well, I guess the walls start breaking down

Yup, that is pretty much how it works!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

The "take no bull****" kind of girlfriend or wife is the best kind.

Totally speaking from experience here. I love 'em.

Now I just gotta be consistent with that.

I mean, I don't wanna berate him for everything. Sometimes he waffles on about this idea he thinks is amazing, about a perpetual source of energy he recons is possible... (Like I said, closest science nerd ) and I will nod along with that cause he seems to actually care about it

But it's the pointless bragging that people find irritating, and that's the part I will express my exasperation with!

But yeah, personally I couldn't stand being around someone who was so insecure, but that's a personal preference and if he doesn't take it out on you, then it's whatever.

But you do want to make sure he handles his own insecurities and doesn't take them out on you. Despite my sister's ex's "perfection" on paper, he was quite insecure and it stressed him out, and he would take it out on her. Not direct abuse, but by just being a miserable lout to be around, and insinuating that it was her job to keep him stress-free by making sure everything around him was perfect (which was impossible in his mental state). I told her, that wasn't her job, and it was unfair of him to put that responsibility on her.

I mean, we all have our insecurities, but we also have to acknowledge that it's our responsibility to take care of.

Actually, I find insecurities indearing. I like flaws. I like a bit of vulnerability.

And it's not like it's 'i'm so cool' or 'i'm so hot' bragging.

The two things he mainly brags about -

1. What he can do
2. The fact that emotions don't bother him

So the first one, is insecurities about the fact he doesn't have a better job. In fact, he's just been fired from his job as a chef at pizza express.

But he has all this mechanical and engineering training, and has genuinely done some really cool jobs in Portugal including working on planes (I went through his CV with him the other day).

So he will brag about the fact he made the best pizzas in that restaurant. That no one ever left anything on their plates. That he did it in this certain way that was better. That his chocolate fudge cake was the best too

But I can see that it's just because he likes to take pride in what he does, and doesn't want people to think of him as just an idiot stoner working in a pizza chain kitchen.

I get it.

2 is a bit more annoying. Because I totally don't get what he thinks is impressive about shrugging off emotion.

He's all 'I don't get scared. I sometimes find things other people find scary or sad 'funny'. I lost my job and my home in one day but it's okay... Cause nothing touches my impenetrable positive personality'

I mean, he's clearly not emotionless. He's just putting on this bravado as though it's somehow more manly.

So yeah, that's something that was getting annoying.

But he's doing it much less with me as we get closer. In fact, he even admitted that he never talks about his family with anyone else.

Or like the whole weekend he's been saying to people 'Yeah, i'm going to get a job no problem, nothing to worry about'... And then to me this morning he's like 'I think I should be able to get a job in a couple of weeks hopefully'.

That's enough of a semantic difference to see he's letting his defenses down a bit when he's with me.

As long as he lets me in from time to time, i'm okay with a bit of defensiveness. In fact... That's actually a pretty consistent trend in people I fall for now I think about it :s

Right, just as suspected what most people mean when they say "You could do better."

I think she would have dumped my husband too. I think a lot of people would have dumped either of us for not being perfect on paper, but that's all just superficial stuff, for the most part. How they treat you is what lasts long-term.

Yeah I think so.

I mean, she was like 'well I don't think he treats you that well'.

But the ONLY thing he does wrong is not answer texts immediately... Usually because he's asleep.

For instance, on my birthday I really thought he wasn't going to come cause it was 30 mins before we had to go into the laser quest arena and he still hadn't answered the phone.

Obviously my friend was branding him a ******* and I was basically just like 'Yeah, if he doesn't show, it's over.'

But he did. He called me about 20 mins before, all puffed out and saying he was on his way.

He shows up looking like complete ****... And I could just see something was wrong.

So at first he's like 'no, no, it's your day, I don't wanna ruin it', to which I was just like 'Hey, I care about what happens to you, tell me what's going on'.

And that's when I find out he got suspended from work the day before, and then that morning got evicted with two weeks notice from his flat...

So yeah... I kind of give him a free pass for that

But yeah, I don't feel like it's neccesary for him to respond immediately all the time, or be there at my beck and call every time I WANT him. Just as long as I can rely on him when I NEED him.

I won't know that until something happens I guess!

 

[knowsbleed]

Your man sounds like he has a lot of issues (like all of us do). Think you might have a little bit of a white knight syndrome?

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I'm the hot Asian woman in my relationship, so what does that mean?

It means you are a hot Asian woman, and I am jealous of your husband dammit!

Spoiler

Just kidding... t: Well, about the jealous bit that is. I do have a soft spot for Asian ladies.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Your man sounds like he has a lot of issues (like all of us do). Think you might have a little bit of a white knight syndrome?

Nah, I think I just identify with people with issues... because I have issues.

When someone is really level headed and appears to be secure in themselves and has it 'all figured out'... like, I don't even know how to talk to someone like that, let alone how to be around them all the time.

I'm a ball of insecurities and hang ups myself. Mine just aren't as in your face as his I guess. I have a better 'disguise' so to speak.

 

[Anita18]

I mean, she was like 'well I don't think he treats you that well'.

But the ONLY thing he does wrong is not answer texts immediately... Usually because he's asleep.

For instance, on my birthday I really thought he wasn't going to come cause it was 30 mins before we had to go into the laser quest arena and he still hadn't answered the phone.

Obviously my friend was branding him a ******* and I was basically just like 'Yeah, if he doesn't show, it's over.'

But he did. He called me about 20 mins before, all puffed out and saying he was on his way.

He shows up looking like complete ****... And I could just see something was wrong.

So at first he's like 'no, no, it's your day, I don't wanna ruin it', to which I was just like 'Hey, I care about what happens to you, tell me what's going on'.

And that's when I find out he got suspended from work the day before, and then that morning got evicted with two weeks notice from his flat...

So yeah... I kind of give him a free pass for that

But yeah, I don't feel like it's neccesary for him to respond immediately all the time, or be there at my beck and call every time I WANT him. Just as long as I can rely on him when I NEED him.

I won't know that until something happens I guess!

Right. My husband is actually pretty bad if you want to contact him right away, because even though he owns a smartphone (being a mobile game developer), he usually doesn't have it on. Doesn't mean he's trying to ignore me, that's just how he rolls. I just have to think ahead and email him before I NEED something, or I just have to try email, then be patient and wait.

But I can see how that would be considered a dealbreaker with some. I just think it's something minor that you should be able to adapt to.

Nah, I think I just identify with people with issues... because I have issues.

When someone is really level headed and appears to be secure in themselves and has it 'all figured out'... like, I don't even know how to talk to someone like that, let alone how to be around them all the time.

I'm a ball of insecurities and hang ups myself. Mine just aren't as in your face as his I guess. I have a better 'disguise' so to speak.

That's the thing though, EVERYBODY has issues. The more "successful" people just hide them better. The ones who seem more relaxed and put together (I count myself as one of them, I think I'm doing all right) often don't judge you about your issues. We're too chill and understanding. But I still have things about myself I'm still working on.

If people overly care about your issues, I say that chances are very very good they have issues themselves they have yet to address. He doth protest too much and all that.

You just sound like you're intimidated by someone seems more put-together than you are, but you might be assuming too much. You can't always tell who's got big issues on the outside.

 

[Anita18]

Actually, I find insecurities indearing. I like flaws. I like a bit of vulnerability.

And it's not like it's 'i'm so cool' or 'i'm so hot' bragging.

The two things he mainly brags about -

1. What he can do
2. The fact that emotions don't bother him

So the first one, is insecurities about the fact he doesn't have a better job. In fact, he's just been fired from his job as a chef at pizza express.

But he has all this mechanical and engineering training, and has genuinely done some really cool jobs in Portugal including working on planes (I went through his CV with him the other day).

So he will brag about the fact he made the best pizzas in that restaurant. That no one ever left anything on their plates. That he did it in this certain way that was better. That his chocolate fudge cake was the best too

But I can see that it's just because he likes to take pride in what he does, and doesn't want people to think of him as just an idiot stoner working in a pizza chain kitchen.

I get it.

The most important thing for you to determine is that he isn't ALL talk and no action.

I mean, I get it. I have dreams that I haven't achieved yet, and I do want to be proud of what I've done in the past too. My husband has those as well. But we do make the effort to achieve our dreams. We're working on relevant projects, reading books, networking. We're making an actual effort.

But someone who talks and talks and feels bad about themselves so they talk some more, and don't do anything about their situation, I think that's a very VERY bad sign. Not about being uncaring, but about truly building something together with someone else.

That's a potential sign that when the going gets bad, he's going to hole up or lash out....but not raise a finger to get what he actually wants. And there will be times in a relationship where it's stressful and s*** just has to get done.

I had friends from my younger, more naive days who are like this. One would actually brag that her great grandfather was a famous general in China, or that her cousins have a PhD or are going to med school. What has she done in the interim? Thought about going back to college, thought about learning this, learning that, but as far as I can determine, all she's actually done is sit at home and watch soap operas. You can't fix people like that.


My sister broke up with her bf because even though he was 150% action when he put his mind to it, he spent 1000x more time complaining and whining and was miserable to be around. That stuff just gets old.

I mean, I'm not saying that it's all doom and gloom and you might as well not even start, but I do think you need to monitor the situation. There is a limit to what kind of issues will be compatible for the long-term.

My sister stayed for 3 years in an unhappy relationship, because she ignored her present situation and thought things would get better, and they didn't.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Right. My husband is actually pretty bad if you want to contact him right away, because even though he owns a smartphone (being a mobile game developer), he usually doesn't have it on. Doesn't mean he's trying to ignore me, that's just how he rolls. I just have to think ahead and email him before I NEED something, or I just have to try email, then be patient and wait.

But I can see how that would be considered a dealbreaker with some. I just think it's something minor that you should be able to adapt to.

Yeah, it's not a deal breaker for me at all.

In a way I think it kind of keeps me grounded anyway. Because exercising that patience is a way of keeping me chilled about the relationship in general.

That's the thing though, EVERYBODY has issues. The more "successful" people just hide them better. The ones who seem more relaxed and put together (I count myself as one of them, I think I'm doing all right) often don't judge you about your issues. We're too chill and understanding. But I still have things about myself I'm still working on.

If people overly care about your issues, I say that chances are very very good they have issues themselves they have yet to address. He doth protest too much and all that.

You just sound like you're intimidated by someone seems more put-together than you are, but you might be assuming too much. You can't always tell who's got big issues on the outside.

I guess if i'm honest, i'm drawn to people with similar issues to me.

So, for instance, the guy I was dating before this one - he was very straight and narrow and seemed content enough with life being simple and... well... in my eyes, boring.

Obviously, he had issues. I mean, he seemed a bit of a reclusive, and he mentioned some stuff about his Dad being emotionally cut off and stuff.

But they weren't issues that I could connect with.

With this guy, I feel like we're in a similar place.

We both trained in something we haven't really gotten to develop into a career. We both got stuck in jobs we don't want to get stuck in, but are a bit stumped by the reality of the job market and the need to have money. And we're both attempting to try and enjoy life to the fullest DESPITE this disappointment while still on occasion talking about the fact we dream of better and more exciting things for ourselves.

We're both a bit too hedonistic, both had weight self consciousness, both been bullied, both been depressed etc etc.

I know you might say it's unhealthy to put two people with similar issues together like that... but I think it can go either way.

I think when you're faced with a mirror image of what you are and what your doing, and you're basically giving them the same advice you should be giving yourself... it can give you a kick up the bum. You can decide to be better TOGETHER and help each other through encouragement and support.

I dunno... maybe i'm being naive. Maybe we'll both just end up being content to wallow together

The most important thing for you to determine is that he isn't ALL talk and no action.

I mean, I get it. I have dreams that I haven't achieved yet, and I do want to be proud of what I've done in the past too. My husband has those as well. But we do make the effort to achieve our dreams. We're working on relevant projects, reading books, networking. We're making an actual effort.

But someone who talks and talks and feels bad about themselves so they talk some more, and don't do anything about their situation, I think that's a very VERY bad sign. Not about being uncaring, but about truly building something together with someone else.

That's a potential sign that when the going gets bad, he's going to hole up or lash out....but not raise a finger to get what he actually wants. And there will be times in a relationship where it's stressful and s*** just has to get done.

I had friends from my younger, more naive days who are like this. One would actually brag that her great grandfather was a famous general in China, or that her cousins have a PhD or are going to med school. What has she done in the interim? Thought about going back to college, thought about learning this, learning that, but as far as I can determine, all she's actually done is sit at home and watch soap operas. You can't fix people like that.

My sister broke up with her bf because even though he was 150% action when he put his mind to it, he spent 1000x more time complaining and whining and was miserable to be around. That stuff just gets old.

I mean, I'm not saying that it's all doom and gloom and you might as well not even start, but I do think you need to monitor the situation. There is a limit to what kind of issues will be compatible for the long-term.

My sister stayed for 3 years in an unhappy relationship, because she ignored her present situation and thought things would get better, and they didn't.

Well, for one thing, he's definitely not doom and gloom, and he definitely does not whine.

That's the point. He doesn't even like to let on stuff bothers him. This is all just my opinion of his insecurities.

He prides himself on being a positive person. He refused to get glum and negative even after being evicted and suspended. He spun it into a positive, and seemed quite excited that it might actually lead him to moving on to something better.

He may even be better than me with this kind of stuff.

I mean, he's done A LOT more with his life than i've managed so far. He's had a bunch of interesting jobs, and relocated to a different country.

I've had 2 real jobs, and relocated to the nearest city that's 2hrs away from home

I am so completely lost career wise. I have absolutely no idea where to go from here.

I keep going back to old ideas I had of things I might be good at, and looking up how to get into them... but everything just seems so impossible. Because most things require training that costs a lot of money... and I just don't have it.

I mean, I feel like I could maybe go a bit higher in pay grade doing what I do now... but I kind of hate what I do now. I didn't for the first year, but it's become really soul sucking now. I don't really want to be in this corporate office environment any more... but I can't afford to go down in pay. I can barely afford life on this wage as it is.

And I talk about it a lot... and well, I guess I don't really do anything about it either

So really, he's the one that should be wary of my and my whining

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I really don't know what i'm doing right now... everything is so god damn confusing.

I have gone from having a casual relationship with a guy I wasn't 100% sure about, to having him and all his piles of stuff lumped in my small bedsit, with no job right now (meaning he's just there all the time)... and we're not even having sex...

How the hell did this happen?!

 

[Anita18]

I really don't know what i'm doing right now... everything is so god damn confusing.

I have gone from having a casual relationship with a guy I wasn't 100% sure about, to having him and all his piles of stuff lumped in my small bedsit, with no job right now (meaning he's just there all the time)... and we're not even having sex...

How the hell did this happen?!

I don't think you have to "make sense" of it all...but are you content with this arrangement? And if you aren't, is it the fact that he just moved in so it's feels super-committed, or that he hasn't gotten a job or it feels boring or...?

I mean, the only thing you can really make sense of is figuring out what specifically is bothering you, so you can make a plan about it.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

I really don't know what i'm doing right now... everything is so god damn confusing.

I have gone from having a casual relationship with a guy I wasn't 100% sure about, to having him and all his piles of stuff lumped in my small bedsit, with no job right now (meaning he's just there all the time)... and we're not even having sex...

How the hell did this happen?!

I think perhaps this is why I should be looking forward to living on my own in the next few weeks...

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I don't think you have to "make sense" of it all...but are you content with this arrangement? And if you aren't, is it the fact that he just moved in so it's feels super-committed, or that he hasn't gotten a job or it feels boring or...?

I mean, the only thing you can really make sense of is figuring out what specifically is bothering you, so you can make a plan about it.

I am not feeling content with the arrangement, and it's for several reasons.

1. I only have a small space. Now all his stuff is in my small space, and he's already creating mess along with it. I am a fairly messy person myself, but it's MY mess and so it doesn't stress me out in the same way.

He's brought a washing machine with him, so that's currently occupying a huge space in my tiny kitchen 'area'... I don't even have a kitchen, just this really small area of my room.

And he SAYS the basics of the plumbing are all there and that he can connect it up and get it working... but I will believe it when I see it

He has also said he's going to sort the furniture out in my place so we can fit in a small fabric wardrobe he has and a coffee table, and then he can actully unpack some of his stuff and it won't seem so cluttered and unmanageable... but again, i'll believe it when I see it....

2. I like my alone time. And now I can't have any.

Basically, I just really didn't think this through (although... what could I have done, let him be homeless?). I was thinking it'd be fine, because we like the same tv shows and so hanging with him wouldn't really be any different to hanging without him...

But I was walking home last night, hair looking like ****, face looking tired, not in the nicest clothes... and all I could think was that I wished to god I didn't have to face a person right now.

It'd be fine if he was still working. Then when I got home, he wouldn't be there and I could have my alone time until he got in.

But he's not even got a lot of friends he'll be out seeing. He is literally just going to be there, hanging out, every day when I get home.

And it's just one room. With one bed. There is literally no escape

3. We haven't had sex since the day after my birthday party (07th sept).

I totally didn't mind at first. We went to a couple of parties the next weekend and got fairly drunk and just both weren't up for it. Then I was away for 5 days as well... but in those 5 days, I missed him and I missed sex.

So Friday he's all moved in, and then we go to a party and have a great night, and he's even getting on better with the friend who said she had a problem with him, and he was showing people how to do this trick with a contact ball and I was feeling really into him.

And then we get home and cause he's just been so cool, i'm really in the mood, so I try for it. But nope, he can't get into it. I tried just pleasuring him, but he couldn't get into it. Says he's too drunk.

Fine. It happens sometimes I guess, and with him I think it's just something i've got to accept, because it's happened ALOT when alcohol is involved (not ideal, cause that's usually when I most want it ).

But then I get home yesterday, and still nothing. And at this point i'm feeling like the initiation is in his court... cause I tried yesterday, and I really don't feel like trying again and failing again... because I have a big complex about it (see 'hopeful's' gay ex and his lack of sexual interest' pt 1). But yeah, we just lay there, he kissed me a couple of times, even gave me a little bum grab when I was getting up for a glass of water... but still no sex.




So yeah... I guess this morning I just feel like I now have a kind of useless lump of a man taking up all my space, and not even one I find attractive right now (because I find sexual indifference a massive turn off).

And it makes me not want to go home

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^^^
There is nothing worse than a feeling of dread when going to the one place that is supposed to be your sanctuary...

 

[hopefuldreamer]

^^^
There is nothing worse than a feeling of dread when going to the one place that is supposed to be your sanctuary...

Yup. And I had years of it, in different ways, for different reasons, with different people.

That's why I pay 100-200 pounds more a month than most of my friends, just so that I can live alone.

I was no where near ready for this.

But I have to remember, neither is he. Neither of us are there really by choice... mine was just the best option for now. We just have to make the most of it I suppose.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Just don't "settle for it" If things aren't right, let them know. I'm guessing he isn't a mind reader right?

Obviously you didn't want to see them out on the street. But neither is it your responsibility to sort out their life for them. Only one person can do that.
Best of luck.

EDIT
By the 18th of October I should be moving into a place by myself. I am nervous about it, but as the end of my time with (my now) ex-partner approaches, I can safely say that I am feeling more and more relief. In fact in many ways, I wish that I could get out right now and leave all that madness behind me. But I don't really have anywhere I can go. Apart from bunking down on a sofa at my friends houses. Which I don't really want to do, to quote Sergeant Murtagh from Lethal Weapon, "I'm too old for this s**t!"

 

[Greeneyes]

I am not feeling content with the arrangement, and it's for several reasons.

1. I only have a small space. Now all his stuff is in my small space, and he's already creating mess along with it. I am a fairly messy person myself, but it's MY mess and so it doesn't stress me out in the same way.

He's brought a washing machine with him, so that's currently occupying a huge space in my tiny kitchen 'area'... I don't even have a kitchen, just this really small area of my room.

And he SAYS the basics of the plumbing are all there and that he can connect it up and get it working... but I will believe it when I see it

He has also said he's going to sort the furniture out in my place so we can fit in a small fabric wardrobe he has and a coffee table, and then he can actully unpack some of his stuff and it won't seem so cluttered and unmanageable... but again, i'll believe it when I see it....

2. I like my alone time. And now I can't have any.

Basically, I just really didn't think this through (although... what could I have done, let him be homeless?). I was thinking it'd be fine, because we like the same tv shows and so hanging with him wouldn't really be any different to hanging without him...

But I was walking home last night, hair looking like ****, face looking tired, not in the nicest clothes... and all I could think was that I wished to god I didn't have to face a person right now.

It'd be fine if he was still working. Then when I got home, he wouldn't be there and I could have my alone time until he got in.

But he's not even got a lot of friends he'll be out seeing. He is literally just going to be there, hanging out, every day when I get home.

And it's just one room. With one bed. There is literally no escape

3. We haven't had sex since the day after my birthday party (07th sept).

I totally didn't mind at first. We went to a couple of parties the next weekend and got fairly drunk and just both weren't up for it. Then I was away for 5 days as well... but in those 5 days, I missed him and I missed sex.

So Friday he's all moved in, and then we go to a party and have a great night, and he's even getting on better with the friend who said she had a problem with him, and he was showing people how to do this trick with a contact ball and I was feeling really into him.

And then we get home and cause he's just been so cool, i'm really in the mood, so I try for it. But nope, he can't get into it. I tried just pleasuring him, but he couldn't get into it. Says he's too drunk.

Fine. It happens sometimes I guess, and with him I think it's just something i've got to accept, because it's happened ALOT when alcohol is involved (not ideal, cause that's usually when I most want it ).

But then I get home yesterday, and still nothing. And at this point i'm feeling like the initiation is in his court... cause I tried yesterday, and I really don't feel like trying again and failing again... because I have a big complex about it (see 'hopeful's' gay ex and his lack of sexual interest' pt 1). But yeah, we just lay there, he kissed me a couple of times, even gave me a little bum grab when I was getting up for a glass of water... but still no sex.




So yeah... I guess this morning I just feel like I now have a kind of useless lump of a man taking up all my space, and not even one I find attractive right now (because I find sexual indifference a massive turn off).

And it makes me not want to go home

Hi Hope, I haven't posted in ages but I just read your last few posts and you seem like you're maybe in a bit of a pickle. You can tell me to bugger off if you want but my thoughts are that this might be something you've rushed into or have not thought through enough. Living with limited space means you can't ever get any alone time or privacy, him being out of work makes this even more of a problem as you say, and having all his belongings there as well is just adding to the situation.

What I find the strangest thing about this though is the no sex thing for quite a while? That to me is a bit worrying. You say that you missed him and sex when you were apart and yet he has turned down or not even wanted sex with you on a few occasions since. I find this really weird as when I'm with a new girlfriend we tend to want each other a lot most of the time, especially as you guys haven't even been together that long too.

I may be wrong and I will apologise if I am, but I don't think this guy is really into you properly. He should be far more receptive to you and to sex and the fact he doesn't seem to want you is a bit of a warning sign to me.

I hope he is not using you for something casual that he can use when it suits him, and also for a place to stay?

If it was me I would be making it very clear that he needs to get a place to live as quickly as possible (in a gently persuasive way).

Sorry Hope, I may be totally wrong but a guy who has lost his job, has no place to live and doesn't even seem to want you sexually very much is an accident waiting to happen in my opinion, and doesn't promise much of a future together. Also he should be sorting out the furniture and plumbing in the washing machine etc as soon as possible, that's the first thing he should be doing to make sure that your home is manageable and how you want it. Tell him to put down the spliff and the booze for a while and do the things he has to. Being in your home he has to play by your rules, just don't let things slide or not get done while you are at the start of this thing, set some house rules and make sure he knows you wont just put up with stuff or he may take advantage.

Hope I wasn't too harsh as I don't know the full story or either of you guys personally, but I'm just worried you'll be hurt or have a crappy time for a while if it goes wrong and he wont leave or something? Good luck anyway Hopey . Okay, I'll bugger off now.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Just don't "settle for it" If things aren't right, let them know. I'm guessing he isn't a mind reader right?

Obviously you didn't want to see them out on the street. But neither is it your responsibility to sort out their life for them. Only one person can do that.
Best of luck.

It's not my responsibility no... I dunno, maybe I shouldn't have offered. Maybe if I had thought it through properly, I could have just honestly said 'I don't think that's a good idea at this stage', and i'm sure he would have been able to sort something else out in the time he had... maybe... I dunno.

But it's done now, and I think it would be incredibly cruel to decide NOW, after he moved all of that stuff in without even the help of a car, by himself (other than the few last trips I was able to help with when I got back from my trip back home) - that he has to get out...

I'm not that much of a *****.

I can put up with a bit of home discomfort for a while.

By the 18th of October I should be moving into a place by myself. I am nervous about it, but as the end of my time with (my now) ex-partner approaches, I can safely say that I am feeling more and more relief. In fact in many ways, I wish that I could get out right now and leave all that madness behind me. But I don't really have anywhere I can go. Apart from bunking down on a sofa at my friends houses. Which I don't really want to do, to quote Sergeant Murtagh from Lethal Weapon, "I'm too old for this s**t!"

I think you'll feel relief for a while, and it'll be nice to have that reflection period where you can work out what kind of a relationship you might want in the future.

Not all relationships have to work in the same way. You don't have to live together after a certain amount of time. If you find someone who has similar wants to you, maybe it can work in a different way.

 

[Greeneyes]

Just don't "settle for it" If things aren't right, let them know. I'm guessing he isn't a mind reader right?

Obviously you didn't want to see them out on the street. But neither is it your responsibility to sort out their life for them. Only one person can do that.
Best of luck.

EDIT
By the 18th of October I should be moving into a place by myself. I am nervous about it, but as the end of my time with (my now) ex-partner approaches, I can safely say that I am feeling more and more relief. In fact in many ways, I wish that I could get out right now and leave all that madness behind me. But I don't really have anywhere I can go. Apart from bunking down on a sofa at my friends houses. Which I don't really want to do, to quote Sergeant Murtagh from Lethal Weapon, "I'm too old for this s**t!"

Hi Retro, sorry to hear about your break up man. It seems quite a few of us on here are having a mad or rough time lately, I guess life throws stuff at us all at some point doesn't it. I've got a futon in my lounge if you want to crash for a while mate, but I'm in Brum and you are in London aren't you?
Screw it, I'll move in with you if you want to get a two bed or bigger place mate, we can become partners in crime and London town wont know whats hit it! t:

As long as we are home by 10.30 though so I can have my warm milk before bedtime. I'm so punk rock.