The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[Erzengel]

Live and learn.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Man that was weak me sending the text. I hope she eventually text me back, so I can end it as a man, not a immature child.

TLS. You could always call her...

 

[the last son]

sent a really long detailed message of why she's moving and how she's planned this for years and just doesn't like our city. It was really heartfelt and really hurt me, how I wanted to end without a proper finale. O told her I'd like to see her because a few days is better than none.

 

[DarkSentinel]

I just don't know what to do about my situation. I think I irritated her yesterday and now I'm afraid to text her again. I might as well give it up, yeah? But if I do I'll never have another relationship again. I just don't think I'm cut out for the search.

 

[Erzengel]

I have to be honest with you.

You really need to work on your self esteem. Cause honestly, being THIS insecure is going to be taxing on a lot of people. They'll get tired of constantly giving you validation and reassurances about you and the relationship.

Secondly, you're going to irritate the person you're with at some time or another. You can't keep walking on eggshells over every little thing because you're fearful she's going to bolt.

 

[DarkSentinel]

Self esteem/confidence is supposed to be instilled in a person from an early age. Unfortunately for me, not only was I targeted, bullied and victimized in school but I had a father who was a hyperperfectionistic anal retentive ass, and the only things I remember is being criticized and punished for not doing anything right. So this self esteem thing is not something that can be fixed unfortunately.

 

[TeeKay]

I have low self esteem too and I agree, it just can't be fixed especially when so many people in your life have made sure it keeps getting lower.

 

[Anita18]

sent a really long detailed message of why she's moving and how she's planned this for years and just doesn't like our city. It was really heartfelt and really hurt me, how I wanted to end without a proper finale. O told her I'd like to see her because a few days is better than none.

You can have pretty good conversations over text (I had one with my own husband yesterday when we had a misunderstanding that upset me before I went to work), but it's just like any other way of communicating - you can't just let out your immediate knee jerk reactions without thinking. Because texting is immediate, you have to work even harder at thinking before you send something.

You sent something that hurt her, so her reaction was to explain/defend herself and send something that hurt you. Someone has to stop that cycle if it's starting to go down that path.

I just don't know what to do about my situation. I think I irritated her yesterday and now I'm afraid to text her again. I might as well give it up, yeah? But if I do I'll never have another relationship again. I just don't think I'm cut out for the search.

Reality check, you are going to irritate your partner every now and again. It's inevitable. My husband and I have never yelled at each other after almost 7 years together, but we've disagreed and sometimes made each other upset. We're VERY easy-going and it happens maybe once every month or two, but it still happens.

And you know what we do? We own up to it, toward each other. If someone gets mad, we don't wait longer than a day to talk it out. It goes something like this:

"Hey, I'm sorry that I got mad at you earlier. I was upset because ______. Can we figure out what we can do about that?"

But don't accuse the other person! Just state the situation that made you upset. Nobody "makes" you feel anything, you react to certain things. Then it's up to the two of you to decide how to set the stage so those certain things happen less.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean never upsetting your partner ever. It means trusting her with being able to own up to your transgressions. It means showing some weakness, that you aren't right all the time. And that's okay. You just have to own up to it so you can smooth things over.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm not insinuating that it's a simple snap of your fingers and it's gone. But, if it's affecting your relationships, then you need to address it. Whether it's open dialogue with who you're dating, or with a professional to discuss issues.

Dark Sentinel seems like a nice guy. However, less than 2 months dating her and he's sees this as his first and only opportunity at dating. So if this girl isn't the right girl for him, which honestly may still be too early to tell, wouldn't be his fault but he's ready to throw in the towel on relationships all together.

If DS effed up yesterday, he should be to just apologize and move on. He shouldn't have to worry about every little thing he does is going to sway the relationship. As long as he's good to her, treats her right, etc., if this girl is the right girl for him, it'll work out. If something trivial and she bolts, that's not a reflection on him.

 

[Anita18]

Self esteem/confidence is supposed to be instilled in a person from an early age. Unfortunately for me, not only was I targeted, bullied and victimized in school but I had a father who was a hyperperfectionistic anal retentive ass, and the only things I remember is being criticized and punished for not doing anything right. So this self esteem thing is not something that can be fixed unfortunately.

I had low self-esteem when I was younger. I was criticized a lot by my high expectations Asian parents, but I had lots of friends who had it a lot worse.

It's much better now, and I'm now in my 30s. Believe me, A LOT of people spend their 20s doubting themselves. It gets better when you get older and you get an idea of what's actually typical, instead of the bubble that first your parents, then your school have you in.

But first you have to start trusting people and being okay with yourself. Nobody's perfect. You probably (actually, very likely) have extremely unrealistic expectations for yourself. Take a look around and see what people actually do, and you'll start to feel better about yourself.

 

[Avenging Angel]

I have low self esteem too and I agree, it just can't be fixed especially when so many people in your life have made sure it keeps getting lower.

It becomes harder to kick them out when you know they do it often, especially if it's a friend or someone who you care about. Sometimes the best thing to do is not be around those people. It won't force them to change because nothing is guaranteed but at least you'll have less to worry over. The people in my life have always been the worst. It felt amazing when I cut the ties. Very few who wanted to stay had changed, most just are not worth being around. Life is stressful enough.

 

[Avenging Angel]

Self esteem/confidence is supposed to be instilled in a person from an early age. Unfortunately for me, not only was I targeted, bullied and victimized in school but I had a father who was a hyperperfectionistic anal retentive ass, and the only things I remember is being criticized and punished for not doing anything right. So this self esteem thing is not something that can be fixed unfortunately.

This is more common than you think. In fact future (past as well) relationships of our generations and generations to come are mostly shaped by how our fathers treat us growing up. Specially fathers not being a source of protection, love and support are the main reason why a lot of people suffer in any relationship they attempt to have. I know it's personally affected me. My friends were facing the same issues also. It's more relative than you choose to believe. My father is from the UK which only helped make things worse. They aren't a "feelings" type of crowd. Nothing saying the stereotype is true - but his family shaped who he is for the worst. My granddad is a carbon copy and it bled over into my dad.

 

[DarkSentinel]

I'm just going to adopt the philosophy that all women are untrustworthy succubi and wipe my hands of them.

 

[Anita18]

I'm just going to adopt the philosophy that all women are untrustworthy succubi and wipe my hands of them.

That makes it seem like you wouldn't trust them as salespeople.

But really, you wouldn't know unless you stuck your neck out and tried it. People can surprise you, and it's usually reciprocated. I get people to trust me by acknowledging my own weaknesses, then people feel comfortable revealing their own, because I've made it clear I'm not a judgemental person.

People who have high expectations of themselves can come across like they have high expectations of other people. Nobody wants to let their guard down around them, but it's not really a fun way to live, IMO. What people have experienced can be very very illuminating.

 

[DarkSentinel]

Anita, I've already stuck my neck out and it's been made perfectly clear that I can't trust any woman to be as devoted to me as I would be to her. So I'm pretty much done.

 

[Erzengel]

I don't know too many people who've met the person they were going to marry without ever having their heart stomped on.

Listen, you've had many a bad experience but villainizing the entire gender because of it, you're creating your own self fulfilling prophecy.

Even if a woman you dated, left you at the alter with your brother and took your dog, eventually, you have to get over it and move on.

 

[Lord Valumart]

Yeh, some women can be utter bastards, but you need to just accept it wasn't good, pick it up, and move on. Eventually you'll find someone who is WAY more into you than you are into them and you'll be the bad guy there. Then she'll hate you. It goes both ways.

Eventually you'll find someone.

 

[Anita18]

Anita, I've already stuck my neck out and it's been made perfectly clear that I can't trust any woman to be as devoted to me as I would be to her. So I'm pretty much done.

You're using generalizations just like Nell was using generalizations.

And he STILL eventually found a woman as into him as he's into her. So.

 

[the last son]

Can anyone think of a good going away present? I was thinking of hand writing a letter explaining how much sheeans to me and wishing her luck.

 

[the last son]

What happened to JJJ?

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Well, I went and did something monumentally stupid.

I fell for a girl who from the start made it clear that she was not looking for a relationship, really just "friends with benefits"
I thought "Why not" and went along with it as she was pretty, nice and cool to be with.

Unfortunately my lame ass fell for her and the other day she tells me she is going on a date with someone and tells me the next day what a great time she had.

My heart feels crushed, but it is my own fault.
I know she wants us to be friends and maybe still with the occasional benefit. But I am not into sharing in that manner.
And I am not sure I can just be friends with her, I believe my feelings will continue to get in the way and I'll just keep getting hurt.

All opinions are welcome. As long as they are serious, please.

 

[Erzengel]

"You were open from the start that you weren't looking for a relationship, however, I really like you (I probably wouldn't say fall for.) and this isn't going to work for me. I'm looking for something more."

 

[the last son]

What Erz said.

 

[Legendver2]

I just don't know what to do about my situation. I think I irritated her yesterday and now I'm afraid to text her again. I might as well give it up, yeah? But if I do I'll never have another relationship again. I just don't think I'm cut out for the search.

Self esteem/confidence is supposed to be instilled in a person from an early age. Unfortunately for me, not only was I targeted, bullied and victimized in school but I had a father who was a hyperperfectionistic anal retentive ass, and the only things I remember is being criticized and punished for not doing anything right. So this self esteem thing is not something that can be fixed unfortunately.

I'm not insinuating that it's a simple snap of your fingers and it's gone. But, if it's affecting your relationships, then you need to address it. Whether it's open dialogue with who you're dating, or with a professional to discuss issues.

Dark Sentinel seems like a nice guy. However, less than 2 months dating her and he's sees this as his first and only opportunity at dating. So if this girl isn't the right girl for him, which honestly may still be too early to tell, wouldn't be his fault but he's ready to throw in the towel on relationships all together.

You're having a scarcity mentality here. Trust me, I went through the same thing, it didn't help that a friend told me she's probably the best I could do, so it made me look pathetic thinking how I can win my ex back when it was clearly over (FYI we ended amicably at the end and we're still good friends). When you're so focused on one girl and put her on the pedestal, this always happens. What I did was hung out with other friends who didn't bring me down, and started reading up on game and pick up sites (I'm sure smoe will frown upon it). Even though these pick up sites might not have a message that most agree with, they have provided me a way deeper insight to how the opposite sex thinks and their emotional workings, helping me understand what happened. It helps the process of letting go and starting over.

As far as confidence and self-esteem, yes it does take time. But the first step is to rid yourself of the toxic people as much as you can in your life that are bringing you down, and work on yourself. You can pick up learning a skill you want to get good at, find a better job, new hobby, participate in spartan races, anything that you think will make you feel your own worth or improve on it. Just because you've had many years of people bringing you down is no excuse to not start the process of bringing yourself back up.

I'm just going to adopt the philosophy that all women are untrustworthy succubi and wipe my hands of them.

Yeh, some women can be utter bastards, but you need to just accept it wasn't good, pick it up, and move on. Eventually you'll find someone who is WAY more into you than you are into them and you'll be the bad guy there. Then she'll hate you. It goes both ways.

Eventually you'll find someone.

Some men can be bastards as well, let's not forget that.

Well, I went and did something monumentally stupid.

I fell for a girl who from the start made it clear that she was not looking for a relationship, really just "friends with benefits"
I thought "Why not" and went along with it as she was pretty, nice and cool to be with.

Unfortunately my lame ass fell for her and the other day she tells me she is going on a date with someone and tells me the next day what a great time she had.

My heart feels crushed, but it is my own fault.
I know she wants us to be friends and maybe still with the occasional benefit. But I am not into sharing in that manner.
And I am not sure I can just be friends with her, I believe my feelings will continue to get in the way and I'll just keep getting hurt.

All opinions are welcome. As long as they are serious, please.

At this point, you just have to break it off and move on. If you're looking for something serious or a girlfriend, I really doubt she's gf material especially if she's still willing to have benefits with you while dating another guy. That pretty much says a lot about her standards. You just have to pretty much man up and force yourself to drop her. Have some time for yourself and improve yourself a bit before starting to look for the next one, and make sure this time that you're both looking for the same thing. Good luck!

 

[the last son]

I was down a few days after my relationship of 3 months ended. I've only been in two, so far at age 27. I snapped out rather quickly, knowing to make an omelet you have to break a few eggs.