The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[InCali]

If I were to still be friends with my soon to be exwife, I’m pretty sure I’d be a care taker. She has cooked for herself once since I moved out two months ago, has been living on junk food and food made by her parents. She hadn’t cleaned the house in that time. Her dad mowed the lawn for her. I don’t know if she can ever take care of herself. She may live with her parents forever. I don’t know how long her two dogs will last there. There will be three total and her dad and brother don’t like them. Giving them up would wreck her.

Aside from cooking, it would be just like when we were married. Oh and eventually she’d want the two cats back from the lady she fostered them with.

I don't know what she was like before, but it sounds as though she might be clinically depressed. I went through a similar situation once after a pretty rough breakup, but wanted to break out of it and got help. For me, it was a very weird feeling. It felt like everything took so much effort; like there was some sort of force field holding me back from moving and it took a ton of effort just to get out of bed or cook or do anything.

My biggest concern for her is her parents. From how you've described them, they sound like the types that might not be able to accept the possibility that their daughter is depressed or not mind because they get to keep their daughter under their control. If you think she might be suffering from depression, you should try to get her to go see someone for help.

 

[Hobgoblin]

She’s bipolar and so am I. We understood each other, it’s a reason we got together. She has been seeing a therapist since I moved out, which I’m glad to hear.

Going back to her parents is going to be very difficult for her. She has a very bad relationship with her father. Apparently she talks about him in therapy as much as about me. It will destroy her self esteem and I don’t know how she’ll go back to a healthy mindset. She may give up on finding her own place and I don’t know how to feel about that.

She used to say I was her best friend and no one had ever treated her as well as I did. Yet I don’t feel like she treated me like one. I hope for the best for her but it’s on her.

 

[InCali]

She’s bipolar and so am I. We understood each other, it’s a reason we got together. She has been seeing a therapist since I moved out, which I’m glad to hear.

Going back to her parents is going to be very difficult for her. She has a very bad relationship with her father. Apparently she talks about him in therapy as much as about me. It will destroy her self esteem and I don’t know how she’ll go back to a healthy mindset. She may give up on finding her own place and I don’t know how to feel about that.

She used to say I was her best friend and no one had ever treated her as well as I did. Yet I don’t feel like she treated me like one. I hope for the best for her but it’s on her.

Glad to hear she is seeing someone. This is a very challenging time for her (duh) and I hope she (and you) come out of this stronger.

 

[Hobgoblin]

I’ve probably said this before but everyone expects me to hate her. I don’t. I feel sorry for her and we definitely had some good times. Things just went bad and they were not going to get better. I want the best for her but I want the best for me, too.

My own therapist came right out and said I did the right thing by leaving. He’s a Christian therapist so I didn’t know what he would think. He did tell me pretty sternly to not be so naive about future relationships.

 

[Erzengel]

She doesn't sound like a bad person per se, just not the right person for you. It happens even with people who have a lot in common in the beginning. You should grow together and not grow apart towards similar relationship goals.

 

[Hobgoblin]

It was just never going to happen, sadly. She blames that on me, which I think was always part of the problem. I’ll admit the ways I screwed up but she couldn’t admit her mistakes or the mistakes made by her family. She said I need to learn to forgive and I said she should stop turning a blind eye. It was kind of amazing to me, actually. In therapy I’d admit something I did wrong and then ask her to say a mistake that she made. She would sit and silently shake her head in anger.

My new therapist said there are five aspects to a relationship that cause conflict: who does the household chores, sex, how to raise the kids, religion, and problems with in laws. We had problems in four and would have had all five if we’d had kids.

So a perfect score, I guess.

 

[InCali]

This is a little bit of a different type of relationship, but a very close friend of mine passed away earlier this week from cancer. He was an artist, potter, art critic, political theorist, musician, and general party dog. While he died way too early, he packed a lot of living into the time he had with us. This guy was always on the run and out meeting people. His life in general was difficult and filled with challenges, but he never quit. He never gave up. When I asked him how he could continue the constant day to day struggles he encountered, he simply said "I don't have any other choice". He was probably, psychologically, the toughest person I've ever met. We knew each other from our days at the university and were close throughout the ensuing years up until his death. I spoke to him on the phone (he lived in San Francisco) several time in the weeks before he passed. Below is a picture of him (on the left with the "check me out" attitude) from a happy hour at UC Santa Cruz. His nickname was Johnny Perro Head. He was always calling people "Johnny" (Oh Johnny, just chill). The "Perro Head" part is pretty much self explanatory. I was an exception because we both did a lot of reading and talking about the Russian Revolution. My nickname was the first syllable of my name and with a "dovich" added to the end. Try it with your name. LOL.



In case anyone is interested, that's me on the right with the "can we get this photo over and done with" attitude.

Almost a week later, my eyes still feel like seeping wounds. They hurt. I know the passage of time will help, but this is a wound I don't think will ever completely heal.

 

[InCali]

It was just never going to happen, sadly. She blames that on me, which I think was always part of the problem. I’ll admit the ways I screwed up but she couldn’t admit her mistakes or the mistakes made by her family. She said I need to learn to forgive and I said she should stop turning a blind eye. It was kind of amazing to me, actually. In therapy I’d admit something I did wrong and then ask her to say a mistake that she made. She would sit and silently shake her head in anger.

My new therapist said there are five aspects to a relationship that cause conflict: who does the household chores, sex, how to raise the kids, religion, and problems with in laws. We had problems in four and would have had all five if we’d had kids.

So a perfect score, I guess.

BTW, you should tell your therapist to add "How financial issues are handled".

 

[Erzengel]

This is a little bit of a different type of relationship, but a very close friend of mine passed away earlier this week from cancer. He was an artist, potter, art critic, political theorist, musician, and general party dog. While he died way too early, he packed a lot of living into the time he had with us. This guy was always on the run and out meeting people. His life in general was difficult and filled with challenges, but he never quit. He never gave up. When I asked him how he could continue the constant day to day struggles he encountered, he simply said "I don't have any other choice". He was probably, psychologically, the toughest person I've ever met. We knew each other from our days at the university and were close throughout the ensuing years up until his death. I spoke to him on the phone (he lived in San Francisco) several time in the weeks before he passed. Below is a picture of him (on the left with the "check me out" attitude) from a happy hour at UC Santa Cruz. His nickname was Johnny Perro Head. He was always calling people "Johnny" (Oh Johnny, just chill). The "Perro Head" part is pretty much self explanatory. I was an exception because we both did a lot of reading and talking about the Russian Revolution. My nickname was the first syllable of my name and with a "dovich" added to the end. Try it with your name. LOL.

View attachment 45546

In case anyone is interested, that's me on the right with the "can we get this photo over and done with" attitude.

Almost a week later, my eyes still feel like seeping wounds. They hurt. I know the passage of time will help, but this is a wound I don't think will ever completely heal.

Sorry for your loss. Treasure all the memories you had with him.

 

[InCali]

Sorry for your loss. Treasure all the memories you had with him.

Oh I do. Those were some crazyass times. 2AM runs back from the Bay Area music scene, after hours in Santa Cruz, and much more that must not be named. We had a very large, extended family and there was always something going on. Johnny was always scoping out everything and knew everybody. He'd come by my house (or come home) and tell me "Blood, I got the down on some S*** that's happening tonight." Good thing I never needed a lot of sleep.

EDIT: He was working on getting a book published. We're doing everything we can to make sure that happens.

 

[Hobgoblin]

BTW, you should tell your therapist to add "How financial issues are handled".

Oh, I could go on with additions. I’d change “religion” with “politics.” It’s the same thing in some ways.

Last time he was telling me of how she had been gaslighting me for years and everything made much more sense. I’m so damn lucky to be out of that marriage and family.

 

[ComicChick]

i'm so sorry for your loss @InCali

 

[Hobgoblin]

It’s hard being alone. My brother is here but we just...coexist. I know that Kerri will never change but I wish that I had someone could be close to. Then I remind myself of how we we really were not close and that I’m putting on rose tinted glasses. My dad and brother say to cut her off after this is over and I know they’re right. It’s hard to stay away from someone that you spent every day with.

In the other hand, it’s a moot point. She’s moved out of our house and us with her parents. There is no way in hell I’ll ever go back there. My brother doesn’t want her here. So we have nowhere to meet.

Our lawyers finally wrote a contract that we agree on. I’ll sign it when it’s ready. It’s almost done.

 

[Erzengel]

Your relationship has to end sometime. Do you really want to start dating someone and that becoming an issue?

 

[moviedoors]

It’s hard being alone. My brother is here but we just...coexist. I know that Kerri will never change but I wish that I had someone could be close to. Then I remind myself of how we we really were not close and that I’m putting on rose tinted glasses. My dad and brother say to cut her off after this is over and I know they’re right. It’s hard to stay away from someone that you spent every day with.

In the other hand, it’s a moot point. She’s moved out of our house and us with her parents. There is no way in hell I’ll ever go back there. My brother doesn’t want her here. So we have nowhere to meet.

Our lawyers finally wrote a contract that we agree on. I’ll sign it when it’s ready. It’s almost done.

It's a good thing that contact/interaction between the two of you isn't in the cards; it's crucial that you go cold turkey on her. Trust me, any kind of continued relationship on any level is just going to make this all hurt more and take longer to move past.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Thanks for the advice guys. Sometimes I just need to be emo and whine.

 

[InCali]

Thanks for the advice guys. Sometimes I just need to be emo and whine.

People need to vent sometimes. It's normal.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Yeah, we all have been there! Is like licking our wounds.

However, while being on "emo mode ON", we should make sure that we don't hurt others.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm still facebook friends with an ex. She dumped me but we are talking about when we were pretty much kids. I've met up with her a couple of times even when I was with my wife, then gf. But my gf has an unbelieveable amount of trust in me even back then. My ex is married with kids and lives 6 hours away.

 

[Hobgoblin]

I made a list of all of the cruel and manipulative things she did to me. It’s almost twenty examples and two pages long. I’m sure I’m forgetting a few. I’m not even counting her parents bs. It’s been keeping me focused.

 

[MissMarvelous]

I made a list of all of the cruel and manipulative things she did to me. It’s almost twenty examples and two pages long. I’m sure I’m forgetting a few. I’m not even counting her parents bs. It’s been keeping me focused.

I'm asking this out of curiosity: why do you keep working on these constant reminders on the many reasons why you are better off without your marriage and in-laws?

When are you going to start working on yourself? Thinking about your future, which is what you DO have. The past is gone and you tried! It didn't work out and that was one of the possibilities. Is it sad? Of course! But is that all that you have? No.

You finally have your new beginning, when are you going to live it?

 

[Hobgoblin]

I’ve started seeing a new therapist. Right now I’m taking it a step at a time.

 

[Flash525]

I made a list of all of the cruel and manipulative things she did to me. It’s almost twenty examples and two pages long. I’m sure I’m forgetting a few. I’m not even counting her parents bs. It’s been keeping me focused.

To echo @MissMarvelous87 , why are you doing this?

From an outside perspective, it seems as though you're just torturing yourself.

 

[Prison Mike]

I think it’s so he doesn’t fall back into the same pattern with her. It’s a way to remind yourself how bad things got so you don’t fall back, in case you have a relapse.

 

[Hobgoblin]

To echo @MissMarvelous87 , why are you doing this?

I see it as just the opposite of torture. It reminds me why I left. If I don’t remind myself, I miss her even more.