The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[Erzengel]

I too wouldn't be down for games like that. If I liked you, I would make the effort. But she may like you but her personality might just be flakey. And that'd be up to you that maybe you guys aren't "relationship compatible".

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

@AVEITWITHJAMON
If it was me, I would straight up ask her the next time we spoke what she wants from you and take it from there.
Life is just too short for this kind of arsing around...
Of course, this depends on how into her you are!

 

[InCali]

Well this girl messaged last night and I replied and asked if she wanted to meet up still. No reply yet but I feel she should be making a bit more effort considering she ghosted previously. Maybe that’s just me though.




It’s stuff like this that put me off ever getting married.

I wouldn't read too much into a slight delay.

 

[Flash525]

Can kinda both of these posts in one. She doesn’t live near the pub and happened to be there by chance the night we met, which was also the first time she had been there. I explained then I am in there most Fridays. So her turning up a few weeks later after never going there before sounds like she wanted to bump into me after losing her phone. Once I said Hi she moved and stayed by me for the night.

I hope for your emotional state that you are right, but it seems strange to me that she entered the pub, saw you, and walked on by without even acknowledging you - up until the point that you spoke to her.

Playing devil's advocate here, how do you know she didn't go to that particular pub in the hopes of bumping into someone else that frequently goes there? The other person wasn't there, so she settled for you? From what you've shared with us, she doesn't exactly seem to be going out of her way to make her position with you clear. She must know you're interested, so why is she seemingly playing games?

At this point, I'd just take the advice @RetrogradeOrbit gave; ask her straight up. If she gets offended, what have you lost? If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. If it isn't, it's experience, and you can move on.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Do you know what she does for a living? It's probable that she may work long hours shifts and has little to no chance to have her cellphone with her, thus the radio silence for hours.

The possibilities are endless.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

@Flash525
Some women, and men for that matter, just enjoy playing mind f**k games as part of their exploits. It's pathetic, but it happens.

 

[InCali]

Yeah. I knew this woman who loved playing coy. I used to just call her bluff and she got over it with me.

 

[Erzengel]

Asking for clarification in a relationship where it's been 2 bar hookups and texting can be tricky. You haven't been on a real date before. She may just be looking for a good time. I'd keep my options open. See other people and if she becomes more interested take it from there.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Asking for clarification in a relationship where it's been 2 bar hookups and texting can be tricky. You haven't been on a real date before. She may just be looking for a good time. I'd keep my options open. See other people and if she becomes more interested take it from there.

Yeah it can feel agressive and coming on too strong. I will just see what happens. She said is away next week and wants to me meet up afterwards. So I enjoy just say enjoy your holiday and message me when you’re back. Leaving the ball in her court.

I hope for your emotional state that you are right, but it seems strange to me that she entered the pub, saw you, and walked on by without even acknowledging you - up until the point that you spoke to her.

Playing devil's advocate here, how do you know she didn't go to that particular pub in the hopes of bumping into someone else that frequently goes there? The other person wasn't there, so she settled for you? From what you've shared with us, she doesn't exactly seem to be going out of her way to make her position with you clear. She must know you're interested, so why is she seemingly playing games?

At this point, I'd just take the advice @RetrogradeOrbit gave; ask her straight up. If she gets offended, what have you lost? If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. If it isn't, it's experience, and you can move on.

You could be right Flash but it ain’t that kinda pub and I got the vibe She wanted me to make the effort first so I did. We’ll see.

 

[Flash525]

Time for some self disclosure... I went on a day date earlier, a whooping 5.5hrs involving lunch and a 10mile walk.

We met via Facebook Dating of all things, spoke for about two weeks and then met up today. Text chat chemistry was good, and the conversation flowed throughout the actual date, but I can't shake the feeling that something is missing.

Not sure whether it is, or whether my (lacking) of dating experience is making me overthink the simplicity of the day. A second date is scheduled in for next week, and we're still talking, so it's gotta be somewhat promising, right?

 

[InCali]

Time for some self disclosure... I went on a day date earlier, a whooping 5.5hrs involving lunch and a 10mile walk.

We met via Facebook Dating of all things, spoke for about two weeks and then met up today. Text chat chemistry was good, and the conversation flowed throughout the actual date, but I can't shake the feeling that something is missing.

Not sure whether it is, or whether my (lacking) of dating experience is making me overthink the simplicity of the day. A second date is scheduled in for next week, and we're still talking, so it's gotta be somewhat promising, right?

I wouldn't overthink it. Just be yourself and things will play out. You'll both figure it out.

 

[InCali]

Yeah it can feel agressive and coming on too strong. I will just see what happens. She said is away next week and wants to me meet up afterwards. So I enjoy just say enjoy your holiday and message me when you’re back. Leaving the ball in her court.



You could be right Flash but it ain’t that kinda pub and I got the vibe She wanted me to make the effort first so I did. We’ll see.

I would probably text her, ask her how her vacation went, and see when she's available. When 2 people leave things up to the other person, you know what happens?

 

[MissMarvelous]

I can't shake the feeling that something is missing.

And what do you think that may be?

 

[Lily Adler]

Do you guys prefer to use the term partner or boyfriend/girlfriend for your significant other?

 

[Erzengel]

I'm old school so maybe I'm not the right one to ask but partner sounds so just weird. Then again, as you get older so does girlfriend/boyfriend and fiance for about a year after getting engaged.

Personally, if I was with someone who insisted on being called partner instead of a girlfriend, I would have probably have missed some signs that we weren't going to be compatible.

 

[Enriquespy]

The benefits of having a partner is greeting them saying "Howdy Pardner"

Also, I need advice.

There is this cultural project I'm involved on, and in the meetings of this project I've met and talked a little bit with this gal. I've noticed some somewhat positive signs, Like, enthusiasm about my involvement in the project and praise for my work. Those could perfectly be just part of her personality and signify nothing, but she also did a lot of arm touching on our last meeting, which is still not a definitive sign but a bit sus.

Now, I'm into her, like not deeply, but a bit interested, and so far whenever I'm interested on a gal my go to strategy is to be agreeable and do nothing else. Which has a success rate of % 0.000 %. This is when my mistake may help me.

At the same meeting where the arm touching happened I made a mistake. I tried to do some touching back, but instead I just gently patted his male friend on a moment of body dyslexia. I was too shy to touch her arm back, and clumsily did the worst possible "Alternative" to that.

Now that she might thing I'm gay, (if she even noticed) I realize that the "Do nothing" route may not yield any results too. So If I wanna see if anything may happen then I should do an actual move. If she says rejects this advance then I've saved a lot of time and emotional investment. Is she is positive about it then nice.

Now the problem:

How to make a "move" or an "Advance" or maybe even an "Asking out" in a mature, safe, gentleman way? Also, in a way to not make any future meeting for the cultural project awkward?

I'm in my 30's and she is in her 20's-30's BTW.

Also, should I wait to have certainty that she has no current partner before I do anything? 'cause it'd be creepy to try and find out.

 

[Flash525]

And what do you think that may be?

I don't know. Call it intuition, maybe. I know I haven't had loads of dates, but I think I've had enough to know when something is aloof, and my gut is telling me that as nice as the date was, there's something off..

Do you guys prefer to use the term partner or boyfriend/girlfriend for your significant other?

I'd go with girl/boyfriend personally..

How to make a "move" or an "Advance" or maybe even an "Asking out" in a mature, safe, gentleman way? Also, in a way to not make any future meeting for the cultural project awkward?

I wouldn't necessarily read too much into the arm touching, some people just communicate better that way; they're touchy.

That said, there's only one sure way to find out if she's interested, and that's to ask outright. If you'd like to do a little bit of research you can always go detective on Facebook or Instagram, or ask someone else involved with the project? 'is she always touchy with people' or something to that regard..

Also, should I wait to have certainty that she has no current partner before I do anything? 'cause it'd be creepy to try and find out.

I'm not expert, but I think this is often overthought. It's irrelevant really whether she has a boy/girlfriend because if she does, she'll decline your advance on principle (or should do anyway, heh).

If she declines your ... advance, would it matter to you the reason for that?

 

[Six]

This is going to be a long one but it has been on my mind since it happened. This girl I've had a huge crush on for half a decade messaged me out of the blue the other day for no reason other than to talk. Haven't talked to her in over a year because she was/is(?) in a long term relationship, but thought it was weird because she most definitely knows I have a huge thing for her, and had previously suggested that she wasn't in a good place in her life to have male friends other than her boyfriend.

Well, she messaged me and we talked for quite a bit, she almost immediately let me know she wasn't that happy with life at the moment and didn't bring up her boyfriend once. It has been a year and a lot could of happened, but I felt it wasn't polite to inquire in the first conversation in a very long time. She had previously sent me messages years ago when she was single and I was about to enter a serious long term relationship, saying things like "I like your face" and other kind of flirty messages, but I never pursued her because I was almost taken at the time.

Do you think I'm reading too much into this and she just thought it was time to let me know that friendship was on the table(which is fine by me because I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship at the moment but would make an exception for the right person) or do you think theres a chance she could be kind of testing the waters and trying to gage my interest level in her, while I'm trying to gage her interest level in me? I'm a huge introvert, so I rarely talk to strangers unless I'm at a party or in some sort of social situation, but when I saw her for the first time I forced myself to work up the courage to introduce myself at the bus stop, while she was with her boyfriend at the time no less, and her smile while I was battling through my nerves is still burned into my retinas.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can tactfully inquire about her personal life without seeming desperate? I'm most likely way over thinking it, but I don't want to fudge it up because her presence generally makes my soul feel like cotton candy compared to the gravel and stomach lint most other people make me feel.

 

[Hobgoblin]

The sale of the house is finalized, just need to pick up the check Tuesday. I’ve started donating items from my marriage to help to move on. I think Monday night is when I tell my ex-wife that I’m cutting all contact. It’s hard to do but it gets easier when I think of how she treated me.

It’s almost over, just need to figure out what to do next.

 

[InCali]

I sorta feel like I should start an advice column; Dear InCali. You wouldn't know it, but I really don't like giving specific advice.

I think most people here overthink these types of situations. If you like someone, ask them out for coffee or whatever it is the two of you drink. Asking someone out for lunch isn't a big deal; even if they are in a relationship. My wife and I have both had these sorts of "dates" and it's fine. If someone wants to be in a LTR or whatever, they'll let you know one way or the other. If you can, just relax. I have a saying that "you can't tell someone how to feel", but if you're edgy, people will pick up on it. Be open for friendships. If they don't seem "perfect", don't worry about it. Let things play out, don't worry, and just be yourself. Don't worry about letting someone know you like them and are interested in them. I've had friends who have told me "If I wasn't in a relationship, I would date you".

Here is some advice I screwed up on a couple of times; with some negative consequences. If someone "is" in a relationship, but wants out, don't get involved until they've wrapped things up. I know most of you would say "I wouldn't do that", but it's a lot easier said than done and there's no need to rush things.

 

[InCali]

This is going to be a long one but it has been on my mind since it happened. This girl I've had a huge crush on for half a decade messaged me out of the blue the other day for no reason other than to talk. Haven't talked to her in over a year because she was/is(?) in a long term relationship, but thought it was weird because she most definitely knows I have a huge thing for her, and had previously suggested that she wasn't in a good place in her life to have male friends other than her boyfriend.

Well, she messaged me and we talked for quite a bit, she almost immediately let me know she wasn't that happy with life at the moment and didn't bring up her boyfriend once. It has been a year and a lot could of happened, but I felt it wasn't polite to inquire in the first conversation in a very long time. She had previously sent me messages years ago when she was single and I was about to enter a serious long term relationship, saying things like "I like your face" and other kind of flirty messages, but I never pursued her because I was almost taken at the time.

Do you think I'm reading too much into this and she just thought it was time to let me know that friendship was on the table(which is fine by me because I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship at the moment but would make an exception for the right person) or do you think theres a chance she could be kind of testing the waters and trying to gage my interest level in her, while I'm trying to gage her interest level in me? I'm a huge introvert, so I rarely talk to strangers unless I'm at a party or in some sort of social situation, but when I saw her for the first time I forced myself to work up the courage to introduce myself at the bus stop, while she was with her boyfriend at the time no less, and her smile while I was battling through my nerves is still burned into my retinas.

Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can tactfully inquire about her personal life without seeming desperate? I'm most likely way over thinking it, but I don't want to fudge it up because her presence generally makes my soul feel like cotton candy compared to the gravel and stomach lint most other people make me feel.

Call her and ask her out for lunch or something. Don't fret. Friendships are great if that's "all" it will be.

 

[Six]

Call her and ask her out for lunch or something. Don't fret. Friendships are great if that's "all" it will be.

Gawd I don't even think I could eat lunch in that situation, the butterflies are that bad.

Here is some advice I screwed up on a couple of times; with some negative consequences. If someone "is" in a relationship, but wants out, don't get involved until they've wrapped things up. I know most of you would say "I wouldn't do that", but it's a lot easier said than done and there's no need to rush things.

Been there, done that. Hooked up with my long term ex when she was in a very very toxic relationship that lasted a month. My friendship with her ended up going down the toilet because her character revealed itself to be very very flawed. Harassing my family members for money the day before my nanas funeral flawed.

 

[InCali]

Gawd I don't even think I could eat lunch in that situation, the butterflies are that bad.



Been there, done that. Hooked up with my long term ex when she was in a very very toxic relationship that lasted a month. My friendship with her ended up going down the toilet because her character revealed itself to be very very flawed. Harassing my family members for money the day before my nanas funeral flawed.

Yeah. Like I said "you can't tell someone how to feel". If you're that nervous about it, you might stick to the phone call for now. Look, let her know how you feel up front. She probably knows anyway. Your feelings "might" get hurt, but if you don't take a chance, you'll probably be an emotional wreck anyway. I always err on the side of honesty. There can be downsides, but you'll get over them and you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror.

I learned that mistake in the school of hard knocks. Different problem, but not good......

 

[Six]

Yeah. Like I said "you can't tell someone how to feel". If you're that nervous about it, you might stick to the phone call for now. Look, let her know how you feel up front. She probably knows anyway. Your feelings "might" get hurt, but if you don't take a chance, you'll probably be an emotional wreck anyway. I always err on the side of honesty. There can be downsides, but you'll get over them and you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror.

I learned that mistake in the school of hard knocks. Different problem, but not good......

I generally wear my heart on my sleeve so anything I do will be genuine and honest. But just the fact that I'm this nervous is surprising to me, because I've been on plenty of dates the past few years without any nerves. I guess its just the fact that the last 6 years have gone from her being taken, to me being taken, back to her being taken and now that I'm *very* single, just the thought of actually going on a date with a person the universe has deemed unattainable for the majority of my adult life is kind of nerve wracking.

 

[Erzengel]

If you're talking at the regular, you can just ask is she still seeing "so and so" and if she says yes or no, that's your answer.