The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts!

[Ms. Marvel]

Are you not going to apply to college or a job? Those are the big ones you have yet to experience.

Well, I'm already in Uni and was accepted to 5/5 of the Unis I applied for. I'm not bragging, but I haven't experienced much rejection. I wouldn't say it's a good thing because I know I'll experience it a lot in life and I know I will not be able to handle it.

 

[Anita18]

Well, I'm already in Uni and was accepted to 5/5 of the Unis I applied for. I'm not bragging, but I haven't experienced much rejection. I wouldn't say it's a good thing because I know I'll experience it a lot in life and I know I will not be able to handle it.

My dear, that just means you didn't aim high enough.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

My dear, that just means you didn't aim high enough.

Well, I'm not that smart and my grades aren't that good so I couldn't aim too high. But the one I'm in now is one of the top 20 uni's in the UK, so I didn't aim too low either.

But I know I'll face more rejection in future, e.g. jobs, males.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

ed pulling my trousers down... I mean, what did he think was going to happen? That he was just going to stick it in while I was sleeping and i'd wake up and just be like 'oh yay, a penis is inside me?

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Yeah that's fair enough, I know it was pretty dumb to think think that he'd just respect the fact i'd said I wouldn't do it and not try anything. Especially since i'd initially said no to kissing me, and persistence won me over with that... so guess he thought I was just playing hard to get or something.

It's just the way he approached it that bugs me though. He didn't do anything immediately. He waited long enough for me to be pretty much asleep. And then just started pulling my trousers down... I mean, what did he think was going to happen? That he was just going to stick it in while I was sleeping and i'd wake up and just be like 'oh yay, a penis is inside me?

Was he drunker than you?

 

[moviedoors]

Yeah that's fair enough, I know it was pretty dumb to think think that he'd just respect the fact i'd said I wouldn't do it and not try anything. Especially since i'd initially said no to kissing me, and persistence won me over with that... so guess he thought I was just playing hard to get or something.

As long as you learned something.

It's just the way he approached it that bugs me though. He didn't do anything immediately. He waited long enough for me to be pretty much asleep. And then just started pulling my trousers down... I mean, what did he think was going to happen? That he was just going to stick it in while I was sleeping and i'd wake up and just be like 'oh yay, a penis is inside me?

Yay, the more you describe how that part of it went down, the creepier it sounds, though I'm willing to bet in his head it didn't come off that way at the time and he's probably beating himself up about now if he remembers doing it.

 

[Anita18]

Ugh, so I went three weeks without a drink... And then last night I had one.

Was such a stressful week at work, and I'd said no so many times, but friday I just needed the release.

Me and a couple of work mates went out, and it ended up just me and this guy who I've liked since I started the job.

He's a bit older, late 30s, and has a couple of kids. He's with their mother, but we got talking and he confessed how unhappy he's been lately, she's cheated on him, and they are only together for the kids.

I talked it all through with him, and told him staying with her wasn't good for the kids cause it'd end up ending badly eventually and it's always better to just be honest rather than faking it and resenting it all the time.

And then he started telling me that he'd always liked me, and tried to kiss me.

I said no I wasn't that girl, because he's still with her. But he kept trying throughout the night and eventually I caved and kissed him a couple of times.

When we got back to mine cause I said he could stay rather than doing the long journey home that late. And I stupidly said okay to him sleeping in my bed as long as we were just sleeping, cause I was really drunk by this point and half falling asleep as it was.

Unfortunately, drunk men are *****. As I'm falling asleep, I can feel him try to undress me. I tell him to stop it and just go to sleep. Few mins later he tries again. At which point I tell him to get the f out of my bed.

He was gone when I woke up, and I haven't heard anything from him. No idea if he will even remember it.

Thing is, I know he's a good guy. He's the kind of guy who always makes sure people get home safe. He's kind when people are upset. He makes effort to help people at work who are struggling.

It's just booze. It's ****. It's such an ugly drug. People make bad choices and do bad stuff.

But oh well. Back to square one. Hopefully this time I'll make it longer than 3 weeks. Cause I was genuinely feeling so good about myself for showing will power and getting back my sense of integrity.

Finally back home after a long day doing a hackathon and I can finally read this and....WTF GIRL?!?!?!!?!

Yeah...booze certainly gets people to make bad choices....but IMO, it just lower their inhibitions. He was really a wannabe rapist all along. I'm not sure if his kids want to know that.

The sad part is, he might really have thought it was okay since you kissed him and let him sleep in your bed. No, undressing a girl when she's half-asleep IS NOT OKAY, DUDES. OKAY?

For the record, I let one of my male housemates sleep in my room after he locked himself out of his (long story). But I have a small bed and I wasn't gonna let him sleep in my damn bed, even if I was single at the time. He slept on the floor. At least I let him use my sleeping pad.

I would agree that both showed poor judgment, but the first time he tried and she said no, he shouldn't have tried a second time.

Exactly. And even the first time is not okay. Like really, if a girl is asleep, putting the moves on her is not okay. Technically, even when she's drunk it's not okay either, but chances are you're drunk too, so it'd be a gray area.

Yeah that's fair enough, I know it was pretty dumb to think think that he'd just respect the fact i'd said I wouldn't do it and not try anything. Especially since i'd initially said no to kissing me, and persistence won me over with that... so guess he thought I was just playing hard to get or something.

It's just the way he approached it that bugs me though. He didn't do anything immediately. He waited long enough for me to be pretty much asleep. And then just started pulling my trousers down... I mean, what did he think was going to happen? That he was just going to stick it in while I was sleeping and i'd wake up and just be like 'oh yay, a penis is inside me?

Girl, if he tried that on me....his penis would not survive the night.

It's called rape. Putting the moves on a girl when she's asleep (or otherwise incapacitated) is rape. It's good that you were able to kick him out and he didn't fight you...but it could have gone so much worse.

Even my husband doesn't try to undress me when I'm half-asleep, and you'd think if anyone had a "right" to, it's something you're married to. (Hint: he doesn't have a right to either, even if he's my husband.) It's called RESPECT.

 

[webhead9707]

I think what needs to be said has already been said pretty much, but don't let this get you down. Use it as motivation. Accept that it happened and you can't do anything about it, and move on. You're well on your way.

 

[the last son]

That could have went a whole lot worse for Dreamer.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Yeah...booze certainly gets people to make bad choices....but IMO, it just lower their inhibitions. He was really a wannabe rapist all along. I'm not sure if his kids want to know that.

Not really, because he did leave when she told him to.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Exactly. And even the first time is not okay. Like really, if a girl is asleep, putting the moves on her is not okay. Technically, even when she's drunk it's not okay either, but chances are you're drunk too, so it'd be a gray area.

Well yea true, despite how desperate I am ( ) I would never start undressing a sleeping girl, whether I was sleeping in her bed or not.

 

[Anita18]

I think what needs to be said has already been said pretty much, but don't let this get you down. Use it as motivation. Accept that it happened and you can't do anything about it, and move on. You're well on your way.

It might be easier said than done, since hopeful works with that dude. Monday will be fun....

And I do think that it's hard to differentiate the "nice guy" from work into being an almost-rapist, but that's just the kind of ignorance that a lot of guys unfortunately have! They think that if girls give them an inch, they can take a mile. I'm just using this opportunity now to educate all of you here that no, that kind of behavior is not acceptable.

I agree that there's no use beating yourself up over it now, but definitely do not tolerate that kind of behavior in the future. You shouldn't feel weird about it "bugging you" - it damn well should!

 

[webhead9707]

It might be easier said than done, since hopeful works with that dude. Monday will be fun....

And I do think that it's hard to differentiate the "nice guy" from work into being an almost-rapist, but that's just the kind of ignorance that a lot of guys unfortunately have! They think that if girls give them an inch, they can take a mile. I'm just using this opportunity now to educate all of you here that no, that kind of behavior is not acceptable.

I agree that there's no use beating yourself up over it now, but definitely do not tolerate that kind of behavior in the future. You shouldn't feel weird about it "bugging you" - it damn well should!

well said.

 

[Anita18]

Not really, because he did leave when she told him to.

He pulled down her pants when he thought she was unconscious. Twice. That counts in my book as "wannabe rapist."

If you sexually batter (the techie term for grope) someone when they are incapacitated, that is illegal. Whether you want to count "sticking his penis into a girl without her consent" as the line for actual rape, that's up to you, but pulling down a girl's pants while she is unconscious is well on the way.

Real, non-rapey men would not attempt such a thing to begin with. Real men would want to know that their partner would enjoy it too, instead of asking for forgiveness after the fact.

I know you're inexperienced, but this is important.

 

[Anubis]

 

[Erzengel]

Even my husband doesn't try to undress me when I'm half-asleep, and you'd think if anyone had a "right" to, it's something you're married to. (Hint: he doesn't have a right to either, even if he's my husband.) It's called RESPECT.

Eh....I understand where you are coming from, but I've been on both sides of that. I use to have women come into my room and slide in naked and start doing stuff to me. And I've done it to, if they are willing then it's go time, if they aren't then just roll over and go to sleep.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

He pulled down her pants when he thought she was unconscious. Twice. That counts in my book as "wannabe rapist."

If you sexually batter (the techie term for grope) someone when they are incapacitated, that is illegal. Whether you want to count "sticking his penis into a girl without her consent" as the line for actual rape, that's up to you, but pulling down a girl's pants while she is unconscious is well on the way.

Real, non-rapey men would not attempt such a thing to begin with. Real men would want to know that their partner would enjoy it too, instead of asking for forgiveness after the fact.

I know you're inexperienced, but this is important.

It's because I know of situations where the guy (while sober) did not leave when the girl asked him to, so in comparison this guy isn't that bad. I'm not saying what he did wasn't inappropriate but the fact is she was able to make him stop without a struggle, so I wouldn't put him in the same category as a rapist.

 

[Anita18]

Eh....I understand where you are coming from, but I've been on both sides of that. I use to have women come into my room and slide in naked and start doing stuff to me. And I've done it to, if they are willing then it's go time, if they aren't then just roll over and go to sleep.

To be fair, the hubs does make his interest known by taking my hand and putting it on himself (which in the workplace would count as sexual harassment ), but he does not undress me unless I show unmistakeable interest. Undressing me means that he wants to do something TO me, not merely that he's in the mood for some mutual nookie.

And if I'm too tired to continue, I tell him and he doesn't push the matter further. I mean, once is sketchy enough, twice is just no.

It's because I know of situations where the guy (while sober) did not leave when the girl asked him to, so in comparison this guy isn't that bad. I'm not saying what he did wasn't inappropriate but the fact is she was able to make him stop without a struggle, so I wouldn't put him in the same category as a rapist.

I didn't either. I said "wannabe rapist," not "rapist rapist."

And the fact that you're using such situations as some kind of metric of relationships is even in your inexperience. You shouldn't tolerate either.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Was he drunker than you?

That's kind of hard to define. A) he had gotten drunk the night before as well, b) I was counting his drinks, c) I don't know his tolerance.

As long as you learned something.

Yay, the more you describe how that part of it went down, the creepier it sounds, though I'm willing to bet in his head it didn't come off that way at the time and he's probably beating himself up about now if he remembers doing it.

The other part of it I vaguely remember is that after I said no the second time, he verbally complained.

I can't remember what he actually said, but I think he was basically calling me a ***** for not doing it. And at the time, all I could manage was a mumbled 'whatever'.

Finally back home after a long day doing a hackathon and I can finally read this and....WTF GIRL?!?!?!!?!

Yeah...booze certainly gets people to make bad choices....but IMO, it just lower their inhibitions. He was really a wannabe rapist all along. I'm not sure if his kids want to know that.

The sad part is, he might really have thought it was okay since you kissed him and let him sleep in your bed. No, undressing a girl when she's half-asleep IS NOT OKAY, DUDES. OKAY?

For the record, I let one of my male housemates sleep in my room after he locked himself out of his (long story). But I have a small bed and I wasn't gonna let him sleep in my damn bed, even if I was single at the time. He slept on the floor. At least I let him use my sleeping pad.

Yeah, I've had plenty of guys sleep in my bed in a platonic way before. And I know that it's stupid to think a guy you've been kissing will think this is platonic just because you said it out loud, but that drunk I just didn't think it through at all.

Exactly. And even the first time is not okay. Like really, if a girl is asleep, putting the moves on her is not okay. Technically, even when she's drunk it's not okay either, but chances are you're drunk too, so it'd be a gray area.

It's defo not okay. I feel like I should be more angry with him. I mean, if I found out someone did that to one of my friends, I'd be absolutely fuming. I'd wanna hunt em down and rip their genitals off.

Why am I trying to reason out of this? Just because I don't wanna think the guy is this horrible, because I like him as a person.

Girl, if he tried that on me....his penis would not survive the night.

It's called rape. Putting the moves on a girl when she's asleep (or otherwise incapacitated) is rape. It's good that you were able to kick him out and he didn't fight you...but it could have gone so much worse.

Even my husband doesn't try to undress me when I'm half-asleep, and you'd think if anyone had a "right" to, it's something you're married to. (Hint: he doesn't have a right to either, even if he's my husband.) It's called RESPECT.

Yeah, respect is just something a lot of guys loose when their that drunk.

I think what needs to be said has already been said pretty much, but don't let this get you down. Use it as motivation. Accept that it happened and you can't do anything about it, and move on. You're well on your way.

I'm just so pissed at myself. If I hadn't had a drink a) this wouldn't have happened, and b) i'd only be a week away from a full month!

Now it's gonna take me another 4 weeks to get to that achievement. What a waste.

Not really, because he did leave when she told him to.

Yeah, he didn't attempt to force himself on me... and i'm so bloody glad he didn't try, because he was so drunk and obviously wanted it A LOT to even do what he did...

But everyone has their line I guess. That's where he draws his, even when he's that wasted.

Well yea true, despite how desperate I am ( ) I would never start undressing a sleeping girl, whether I was sleeping in her bed or not.

You say that, but what's the most alcohol you've ever had before lying in bed with a woman you've been kissing that night?

It might be easier said than done, since hopeful works with that dude. Monday will be fun....

Nah, don't worry about that. I don't do work awkwardness.

The only thing i'm undecided about, is whether or not to show that i'm pissed off. I feel like he definitely did something wrong to me, and that I at least deserve an apology, so I'm gonna see if he tries to talk to me about it or not... and if he doesn't, I think i'm just gonna be cold to him from now on.

But then again, what if he doesn't remember?

And I do think that it's hard to differentiate the "nice guy" from work into being an almost-rapist, but that's just the kind of ignorance that a lot of guys unfortunately have! They think that if girls give them an inch, they can take a mile. I'm just using this opportunity now to educate all of you here that no, that kind of behavior is not acceptable.

I agree that there's no use beating yourself up over it now, but definitely do not tolerate that kind of behavior in the future. You shouldn't feel weird about it "bugging you" - it damn well should!

I just have a hard time believing that there is such a thing as a good guy at this point.

I mean seriously, when was the last time one of my stories included a guy that wasn't a complete *******?

But since I can't go through life thinking all men are that horrible, I have come to the reasonable conclusion that it is not the actual man themselves that is the problem... it's drugs and alcohol.

You talk any half decent man and fill him up with that much alcohol or coke or whatever... and that man will turn into a selfish *****e.

He pulled down her pants when he thought she was unconscious. Twice. That counts in my book as "wannabe rapist."

If you sexually batter (the techie term for grope) someone when they are incapacitated, that is illegal. Whether you want to count "sticking his penis into a girl without her consent" as the line for actual rape, that's up to you, but pulling down a girl's pants while she is unconscious is well on the way.

Real, non-rapey men would not attempt such a thing to begin with. Real men would want to know that their partner would enjoy it too, instead of asking for forgiveness after the fact.

I know you're inexperienced, but this is important.

So much this.

And the thing is, when i'd been making my stand on this very clear earlier in the night, I said to him 'Look, you said you like me because i'm a good person' (cause he'd specifically been talking about how it's one of the things that makes him like me, cause most girls are nothing like that)... 'So why are you surprised that i'm refusing to sleep with a guy who is taken?'

I also kept saying to him 'Look, you say you care about me and that I deserve to be treated well and stuff... so please don't use me as you're 'excuse'.'

And by that I meant using sleeping with me as an excuse to finally leave his partner. Which I just don't wanna be a part of.

But obviously everything he said earlier in the night was just a load of ********, because when it came right down to it, all he actually cared about when he was that drunk... was an orgasm.

It's because I know of situations where the guy (while sober) did not leave when the girl asked him to, so in comparison this guy isn't that bad. I'm not saying what he did wasn't inappropriate but the fact is she was able to make him stop without a struggle, so I wouldn't put him in the same category as a rapist.

I agree with you.

I've actually had an experience that was much closer, and even that I didn't feel I could be angry about. This friend of mine was really upset one night, so he came round and we talked and then watched a movie in my room (so yeah, on my bed). Later he tried it on, but I just wasn't feeling it. He kept pushing and pushing and I kept saying no, then eventually he was being quite forceful (as in literally holding me down).

But I stopped resisting after a small amount of protest, cause in my head I was thinking 'Oh screw it, it's probably easier to just do it than try and fight him off', and i'd known the guy for years and even had a massive crush on him when I was younger, so it's not like sleeping with him would so bad...

Ugh, both situations sucked. But neither are technically 'rape'.

 

[Anita18]

The other part of it I vaguely remember is that after I said no the second time, he verbally complained.

I can't remember what he actually said, but I think he was basically calling me a ***** for not doing it. And at the time, all I could manage was a mumbled 'whatever'.

Sorry, I actually at that. That actually might have stung for him, if he remembers.

It's defo not okay. I feel like I should be more angry with him. I mean, if I found out someone did that to one of my friends, I'd be absolutely fuming. I'd wanna hunt em down and rip their genitals off.

Why am I trying to reason out of this? Just because I don't wanna think the guy is this horrible, because I like him as a person.

I think that is absolutely the case.

I don't think he's a sociopath. I think he is mistaken about what a relationship with a woman should be like. And that's why education to the younger guys here is so important - so many guys have this thinking that women owe them sex if conditions x, y, and/or z are met. But that's not true, a woman never "owes" a guy sex.

Both (or more, I ain't judging!) partners should say "YES!" to sex and that should be the case every time, but it's so scary to see that not happen, so frequently. I am angry when my fellow sisters are taken advantage of.

Nah, don't worry about that. I don't do work awkwardness.

The only thing i'm undecided about, is whether or not to show that i'm pissed off. I feel like he definitely did something wrong to me, and that I at least deserve an apology, so I'm gonna see if he tries to talk to me about it or not... and if he doesn't, I think i'm just gonna be cold to him from now on.

But then again, what if he doesn't remember?

Ugh, such complicatedness. This is why alcohol is bad! You can't even be sure the guy will remember being close to doing something so horrible!

But you have permission from me to give him extreme side-eye henceforth.

I just have a hard time believing that there is such a thing as a good guy at this point.

I mean seriously, when was the last time one of my stories included a guy that wasn't a complete *******?

But since I can't go through life thinking all men are that horrible, I have come to the reasonable conclusion that it is not the actual man themselves that is the problem... it's drugs and alcohol.

You talk any half decent man and fill him up with that much alcohol or coke or whatever... and that man will turn into a selfish *****e.

Well, it's kind of both. Sure, fill a person up with alcohol or drugs and that will mess up a person eventually...but they also have to make the decision to go that far.

All of my male college friends were still their upstanding selves drunk - they were just clumsily hilarious. (The things you remember when YOU'RE the sober one at a party! ) But they didn't drink themselves to black-out. They still had their wits about them, more or less. They even actively watched out for their equally-drunk female friends. My college bf was a big teddy bear when he was drunk, and just as harmless. They knew their limits.

You knew not to sleep with this guy because you felt it'd be wrong. So even if you were drunk, you still had your wits about you. It's up to an individual to decide when to stop so they don't do something completely f***ing stupid, or worse.

So much this.

And the thing is, when i'd been making my stand on this very clear earlier in the night, I said to him 'Look, you said you like me because i'm a good person' (cause he'd specifically been talking about how it's one of the things that makes him like me, cause most girls are nothing like that)... 'So why are you surprised that i'm refusing to sleep with a guy who is taken?'

I also kept saying to him 'Look, you say you care about me and that I deserve to be treated well and stuff... so please don't use me as you're 'excuse'.'

And by that I meant using sleeping with me as an excuse to finally leave his partner. Which I just don't wanna be a part of.

But obviously everything he said earlier in the night was just a load of ********, because when it came right down to it, all he actually cared about when he was that drunk... was an orgasm.

A lot of guys are scared of honesty, because of the hypocrisy that lives within them. Also yeah, a lot of what guys care about is an orgasm when they want one...

I'm not sure what kind of advice to give you there. Date a guy who thinks too much to worry about his little willy 24/7? That seems to have worked for me so far.

I agree with you.

I've actually had an experience that was much closer, and even that I didn't feel I could be angry about. This friend of mine was really upset one night, so he came round and we talked and then watched a movie in my room (so yeah, on my bed). Later he tried it on, but I just wasn't feeling it. He kept pushing and pushing and I kept saying no, then eventually he was being quite forceful (as in literally holding me down).

But I stopped resisting after a small amount of protest, cause in my head I was thinking 'Oh screw it, it's probably easier to just do it than try and fight him off', and i'd known the guy for years and even had a massive crush on him when I was younger, so it's not like sleeping with him would so bad...

Ugh, both situations sucked. But neither are technically 'rape'.

Not technically, but certainly very close to attempted, especially that one. "Consent" is up in the air if you simply gave up. The enthusiastic "YES!" I described earlier certainly was not achieved.

I mean, guys. Guys. You'd want to sleep with a girl when she simply gave up fighting you? Really? You think that's fun? You think that's fulfilling? Aim to do better. Go for the "YES!"

Hopeful, you might not have the scars of being brutally assaulted by fighting him off, but you probably experienced some of the same feelings of betrayal. And that sucks too.

That situation actually reminds me...I watched the animated Disney movie Beauty and the Beast after like, 20 years of not having seen it in its entirety. One thing I did not expect to happen was to be totally, utterly, viscerally creeped out by Gaston. When I was a kid, it was funny how Gaston tried to forcibly kiss Belle and extort her into marriage. As a near-30-y-o, after having a proper "education" (thanks paranoid parents) to rape culture, it was something much worse. If it hadn't been a Disney movie, it wouldn't have been marriage he was forcing her into...

Also, I realized that if Belle wanted adventure, getting married to a prince and being stuck in his castle forevermore was the wrong way to go about it. Some happily ever after!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Just thought of another example where one of my friends was actually asleep in the bed next to me when this guy tried it on, and I was so drunk I just let him... but it was so obvious I was not joining in that the guy sort of realized what he was doing halfway through and stopped with this really guilty look on his face like 'man, what the hell am I doing, she is so not into this'...

I felt really horrible after that one for weeks. Like i'd literally just allowed someone to use me as a hole. I hadn't cared enough to even say no.

I thought that I was doing so much better since I moved to the city. I thought that my life was full of so much more opportunity, and that I could feel a bit more proud of myself and a bit less like a failure.

But somehow, I've ended up feeling like i'm right back in that gutter I was trying so hard to run away from.

The trouble is, whenever I like someone who is nice and doesn't drink and stuff, I just always think i'd end up screwing it up.

Like my partner at work. We get on so well. He makes me smile every day, makes me laugh. He's a total moaner (I call him eeyore) but it's in this kind of adorable way, and we have such great banter.

He doesn't go out much, doesn't drink much. Definitely never seen the side of the world I have. He still lives with his parents because he's saving up for a mortgage. I get the impression he hasn't had many girlfriends.

And i've been accepting lately that I kind of have a massive crush on him. Because I feel the warm fuzzies when he's around, and I miss him when he's not in. We chat on facebook now, and it's that exciting chatting I used to do with crushes when I was 15 and just loved any time spent talking to the boy.

But I just think 'There's no way in hell he'd be interested in me'. Because i'm mental and a complete mess, and he is just a nice 'normal' guy.

This is why i've been thinking that maybe I should go to AA meetings or something.

Cause maybe i'd find people who were just as messed up as me, had the same life experiances... but didn't wanna live in that world anymore.

That's what I need more than anything.

 

[the last son]

As an alcoholic myself, who has 9 months of sobriety in after 6 years of heavy drinking, I can tell you, get help soon. AA never worked for me, but the complete idiot I made myself night, after night, after night, was enough for me to quit. Sober life is boring. I mean really boring, but all the stupid decisions I made drunk and being a complete fool is just not worth it. I say you forget about relationships and focus on getting sober. Build a friendship of sobriety with the nice guy at work. Good luck to you.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

As an alcoholic myself, who has 9 months of sobriety in after 6 years of heavy drinking, I can tell you, get help soon. AA never worked for me, but the complete idiot I made myself night, after night, after night, was enough for me to quit. Sober life is boring. I mean really boring, but all the stupid decisions I made drunk and being a complete fool is just not worth it. I say you forget about relationships and focus on getting sober. Build a friendship of sobriety with the nice guy at work. Good luck to you.

Thanks

 

[Warhammer]

The guy she was engaged to was white, so dating outside of her race isnt a problem for her. Her family is really a mixed bag from what I hear. She and her sister are close, doesn't know her father and pretty much disowned her mother early this year. She doesn't associate with many people in her family, so I assume that those one's would be the one's to stir up crap.

My family would also be a mixed bag. My brother wouldn't care, don't know what to say about my father. (His friends tongues would wag and while I dont give two craps what they think, thy do visit quite often.) Extended family is also a mixed bag. Some see me as a liberal loony and this would just give them more reason to mock me/us. Others would be more supportive. (One cousin is married to a Hispanic woman and another has a child with a black man. One aunt and uncle have an adopted Korean granddaughter and another aunt married a Jewish man. I have ample opportunity to call them out for hypocrisy.)

Alright, that's good to hear that her and some members of your family aren't against dating someone outside their race. And some of them do sound like hypocrites if they decided to call you out.

She and I are both open minded, educated people but there are still differences in how we see the world due to our race. She told me that I would be just as safe walking the street on the west side as I would be walking in my home town. No black person wants to be responsible for the crap storm that would come down on the community if they robbed/killed a white guy. I think that makes sense and I am actually willing to test that idea. It does, however, bother me that she refuses to visit my town. She commented that she would be arrested on sight. We do have African Americans in my town, though there arent many. Just because I come from a fairly small town doesnt mean we are all bigots. That frustrates me.

She needs to get over that rationale. Regardless of whatever funny looks she may possibly get, she is not going to get arrested. I hope that was a bad attempt at being funny instead of her being serious, because if it is the latter, that s*** is ridiculous.

I'll admit that I'm at a party where it's mostly white people, when I see Black or Hispanic dude roll up in there, I am relieved, but that doesn't mean I think I'm going to get lynched or beat up. Progression is a two way street.

And yes, her drinking does concern me. We are both in therapy, so we do relate on that note. Actually, I found out last night that she was only going to a herbalist, not a doctor. I think I convinced her to see a psychiatrist for her alleged PTSD.

I'm glad you're steering her in the right direction. It's good for her that she has someone like you who wants her to better herself.

 

[Lord Valumart]

So the girl I've been seeing for the past few months is REALLY pissed off I have female friends at work that I interact with outside of work. She doesn't seem to understand the jokey way I talk to them is the same way I talk to my guy friends.

She got pissed the other day because I was talking to one of them on twitter one morning after they had replied to a tweet that I'd made, but I hadn't text her all morning until I'd finished what I was doing that day. Personally I don't feel the need to text nonsense that I'm doing all the time, but I will tweet it. And if someone responds I'll respond back. I see no big deal here.

But now we've just been texting about what she wants to do job wise and how she needs a plan. I said you can't pplan too far ahead because somehting with just be thrown at you that screws it all up. Then, for 4 texts, she dragged the tweeting in. It's really annoying me that she gets so annoyed by my female friends.