The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts!

[webhead9707]

What do you mean?

Whenever you're having issues like that, just accept the fact that it's part of being friends with her and things will get better eventually.

 

[Hobgoblin]

A former classmate and I have been talking to each other quite a bit lately. We have a mutual attraction, feel comfortable with each other and have similar interests. Those three things right there are a rarity for me.

We have some big hurdles too. She left her fiance in the summer when she found out he cheated on her while overseas. Her mother used to beat her when she was younger and her brother was murdered. She sees a therapist but has told me that she lies to her about her drinking. There is also some racial tension, at least if we get into a long term relationship. She is black and from the west side of Chicago and I'm a white guy from the far suburbs.

We've had some fascinating discussions about race and respect each other for our honesty. But the mixed race relationship seems seems like it could be even harder than the usual.

 

[Warhammer]

A former classmate and I have been talking to each other quite a bit lately. She have a mutual attraction, feel comfortable with each other and have similar interests. Those three things right there are a rarity for me.

We have some big hurdles too. She left her fiance in the summer when she found out he cheated on her while overseas. Her mother used to beat her when she was younger and her brother was murdered. She sees a therapist but has told me that she lies to her about her drinking. There is also some racial tension, at least if we get into a long term relationship. She is black and from the west side of Chicago and I'm a white guy from the far suburbs.

We've had some fascinating discussions about race and respect each other for our honesty. But the mixed race relationship seems seems like it could be even harder than the usual.

Do both of you have reservations about each others ethnicity? Or is this racial tension going to come from your respective sides of the family?

Btw, kudos to sticking with this. At the end of the day, we're all f***ed up in different ways anyway you cut it. I know that I feel even I would have had reservations at first if she dropped that information on me.

 

[Erzengel]

Why would the mixed race race aspect be in an issue?

I'd actually be more worried about her drinking if she has a problem with that.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Do both of you have reservations about each others ethnicity? Or is this racial tension going to come from your respective sides of the family?

Btw, kudos to sticking with this. At the end of the day, we're all f***ed up in different ways anyway you cut it. I know that I feel even I would have had reservations at first if she dropped that information on me.

The guy she was engaged to was white, so dating outside of her race isnt a problem for her. Her family is really a mixed bag from what I hear. She and her sister are close, doesn't know her father and pretty much disowned her mother early this year. She doesn't associate with many people in her family, so I assume that those one's would be the one's to stir up crap.

My family would also be a mixed bag. My brother wouldn't care, don't know what to say about my father. (His friends tongues would wag and while I dont give two craps what they think, thy do visit quite often.) Extended family is also a mixed bag. Some see me as a liberal loony and this would just give them more reason to mock me/us. Others would be more supportive. (One cousin is married to a Hispanic woman and another has a child with a black man. One aunt and uncle have an adopted Korean granddaughter and another aunt married a Jewish man. I have ample opportunity to call them out for hypocrisy.)

She and I are both open minded, educated people but there are still differences in how we see the world due to our race. She told me that I would be just as safe walking the street on the west side as I would be walking in my home town. No black person wants to be responsible for the crap storm that would come down on the community if they robbed/killed a white guy. I think that makes sense and I am actually willing to test that idea. It does, however, bother me that she refuses to visit my town. She commented that she would be arrested on sight. We do have African Americans in my town, though there arent many. Just because I come from a fairly small town doesnt mean we are all bigots. That frustrates me.

And yes, her drinking does concern me. We are both in therapy, so we do relate on that note. Actually, I found out last night that she was only going to a herbalist, not a doctor. I think I convinced her to see a psychiatrist for her alleged PTSD.

Why would the mixed race race aspect be in an issue?

I'd actually be more worried about her drinking if she has a problem with that.

See the above.

 

[Hyde]

Hyde, are you sure this friendship that you think is close is only close to you?

That's not it. She's always said I'm one of her best friends, and that I'm better than every other guy she knows etc etc. Plus we've basically shared everything with each other before, even as far as her saying when it's "that time of the month" so I know why she might be stroppy that day (kinda weird I know ).

Whenever you're having issues like that, just accept the fact that it's part of being friends with her and things will get better eventually.

But it's only a recent development, that's the thing that bothers me. Before a few weeks ago this issue never came up and she'd always come to me first if she was upset.

I'm hoping your right about things getting better.. They will, it's just I'm tired of things like this always happening to me.

 

[Anita18]

Few months ago, I wrote on here about delivering to a store and a woman at another business offered me a water and seemed friendly and what not. She yelled at me from a distance as she sat outside hers and just enjoyed the weather and watching me work. I wrote how I blew it by not accepting a drink and getting to know her better. Today I delivered in the area again. She was doing the same enjoying the weather. I initiated conversation stating how hard it was to deliver and she agreed. A couple minutes later I left and got to work not wanting conversation to stall. It rained she went inside. As I went to my truck she went in the same direction, I stated "perfect' mentioning the rain. She laughed and said, I know right couldn't wait 30 minutes. She got out the rain, and I let her even though I wanted to properly introduce myself. I wanted to ask her out then and there, but thought another time when I deliver there would be better. What do you all think, I believe she is just a friendly person. Next time though I will get more personal, ya dig.

Sounds good.

Remember, women are not that scary. We're just people too. Treat us like people, and that you're genuinely interested in us, and it should good.

That's not it. She's always said I'm one of her best friends, and that I'm better than every other guy she knows etc etc. Plus we've basically shared everything with each other before, even as far as her saying when it's "that time of the month" so I know why she might be stroppy that day (kinda weird I know ).

But it's only a recent development, that's the thing that bothers me. Before a few weeks ago this issue never came up and she'd always come to me first if she was upset.

I'm hoping your right about things getting better.. They will, it's just I'm tired of things like this always happening to me.

That people just shut you out with no warning?

It also could be her thing. I have a friend who refuses to tell us what's bothering her, because she hates accepting help. It can be really minor, but she won't want to bother anyone with it. Sometimes you just can't push it.

 

[Hyde]

That people just shut you out with no warning?

It also could be her thing. I have a friend who refuses to tell us what's bothering her, because she hates accepting help. It can be really minor, but she won't want to bother anyone with it. Sometimes you just can't push it.

Yep. A few weeks ago I wrote here about how earlier this year my best friend completely severed all contact with me because her boyfriend hated me (still does).

That's basically summed up what she's been like these past few weeks. Just that she's never been like it before.

It's like she wants me to stop caring about her.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Sounds good.

Remember, women are not that scary. We're just people too. Treat us like people, and that you're genuinely interested in us, and it should good.

They can be. There are actually quite a few *****ey girls, like the ones Nell knows.

Plus, even friendly rejection (which is very common) sucks. I have a really big fear of rejection, which leads to me being really awkward around males until I get to know them and we have a platonic relationship. So when people are scared of approaching the opposite sex I can understand why.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Remember, women are not that scary. We're just people too. Treat us like people, and that you're genuinely interested in us, and it should good.

*cough*

 

[Anita18]

They can be. There are actually quite a few *****ey girls, like the ones Nell knows.

Plus, even friendly rejection (which is very common) sucks. I have a really big fear of rejection, which leads to me being really awkward around males until I get to know them and we have a platonic relationship. So when people are scared of approaching the opposite sex I can understand why.

Y'alls are still so young. You'll experience rejection soon, even if it's not necessarily romantic.

 

[Anita18]

*cough*

We don't bite, is my point.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

We don't bite, is my point.

No, y'all don't bite, just dig your claws into a man's soul until he breaks and is just a broken shell of a man.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

Amen to that brother!

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Y'alls are still so young. You'll experience rejection soon, even if it's not necessarily romantic.

True, I have been avoiding situations where there's a possibility of rejection so far......

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Ugh, so I went three weeks without a drink... And then last night I had one.

Was such a stressful week at work, and I'd said no so many times, but friday I just needed the release.

Me and a couple of work mates went out, and it ended up just me and this guy who I've liked since I started the job.

He's a bit older, late 30s, and has a couple of kids. He's with their mother, but we got talking and he confessed how unhappy he's been lately, she's cheated on him, and they are only together for the kids.

I talked it all through with him, and told him staying with her wasn't good for the kids cause it'd end up ending badly eventually and it's always better to just be honest rather than faking it and resenting it all the time.

And then he started telling me that he'd always liked me, and tried to kiss me.

I said no I wasn't that girl, because he's still with her. But he kept trying throughout the night and eventually I caved and kissed him a couple of times.

When we got back to mine cause I said he could stay rather than doing the long journey home that late. And I stupidly said okay to him sleeping in my bed as long as we were just sleeping, cause I was really drunk by this point and half falling asleep as it was.

Unfortunately, drunk men are *****. As I'm falling asleep, I can feel him try to undress me. I tell him to stop it and just go to sleep. Few mins later he tries again. At which point I tell him to get the f out of my bed.

He was gone when I woke up, and I haven't heard anything from him. No idea if he will even remember it.

Thing is, I know he's a good guy. He's the kind of guy who always makes sure people get home safe. He's kind when people are upset. He makes effort to help people at work who are struggling.

It's just booze. It's ****. It's such an ugly drug. People make bad choices and do bad stuff.

But oh well. Back to square one. Hopefully this time I'll make it longer than 3 weeks. Cause I was genuinely feeling so good about myself for showing will power and getting back my sense of integrity.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Ugh, so I went three weeks without a drink... And then last night I had one.

Was such a stressful week at work, and I'd said no so many times, but friday I just needed the release.

Me and a couple of work mates went out, and it ended up just me and this guy who I've liked since I started the job.

He's a bit older, late 30s, and has a couple of kids. He's with their mother, but we got talking and he confessed how unhappy he's been lately, she's cheated on him, and they are only together for the kids.

I talked it all through with him, and told him staying with her wasn't good for the kids cause it'd end up ending badly eventually and it's always better to just be honest rather than faking it and resenting it all the time.

And then he started telling me that he'd always liked me, and tried to kiss me.

I said no I wasn't that girl, because he's still with her. But he kept trying throughout the night and eventually I caved and kissed him a couple of times.

When we got back to mine cause I said he could stay rather than doing the long journey home that late. And I stupidly said okay to him sleeping in my bed as long as we were just sleeping, cause I was really drunk by this point and half falling asleep as it was.

Unfortunately, drunk men are *****. As I'm falling asleep, I can feel him try to undress me. I tell him to stop it and just go to sleep. Few mins later he tries again. At which point I tell him to get the f out of my bed.

He was gone when I woke up, and I haven't heard anything from him. No idea if he will even remember it.

Thing is, I know he's a good guy. He's the kind of guy who always makes sure people get home safe. He's kind when people are upset. He makes effort to help people at work who are struggling.

It's just booze. It's ****. It's such an ugly drug. People make bad choices and do bad stuff.

But oh well. Back to square one. Hopefully this time I'll make it longer than 3 weeks. Cause I was genuinely feeling so good about myself for showing will power and getting back my sense of integrity.

It was great that you still rejected him while you were drunk, especially since you've liked him for long.

Out of curiosity how drunk did you get?

 

[moviedoors]

Ugh, so I went three weeks without a drink... And then last night I had one.

Was such a stressful week at work, and I'd said no so many times, but friday I just needed the release.

Me and a couple of work mates went out, and it ended up just me and this guy who I've liked since I started the job.

He's a bit older, late 30s, and has a couple of kids. He's with their mother, but we got talking and he confessed how unhappy he's been lately, she's cheated on him, and they are only together for the kids.

I talked it all through with him, and told him staying with her wasn't good for the kids cause it'd end up ending badly eventually and it's always better to just be honest rather than faking it and resenting it all the time.

And then he started telling me that he'd always liked me, and tried to kiss me.

I said no I wasn't that girl, because he's still with her. But he kept trying throughout the night and eventually I caved and kissed him a couple of times.

When we got back to mine cause I said he could stay rather than doing the long journey home that late. And I stupidly said okay to him sleeping in my bed as long as we were just sleeping, cause I was really drunk by this point and half falling asleep as it was.

Unfortunately, drunk men are *****. As I'm falling asleep, I can feel him try to undress me. I tell him to stop it and just go to sleep. Few mins later he tries again. At which point I tell him to get the f out of my bed.

He was gone when I woke up, and I haven't heard anything from him. No idea if he will even remember it.

Thing is, I know he's a good guy. He's the kind of guy who always makes sure people get home safe. He's kind when people are upset. He makes effort to help people at work who are struggling.

It's just booze. It's ****. It's such an ugly drug. People make bad choices and do bad stuff.

But oh well. Back to square one. Hopefully this time I'll make it longer than 3 weeks. Cause I was genuinely feeling so good about myself for showing will power and getting back my sense of integrity.

He was out of line, but I think you could have made wiser decisions as well. I don't think it was very smart to A) let him stay the night and B) let him sleep in your bed. You were saying one thing with your words, but you were telling him something else with your actions, and considering he admitted to being unhappy in his marriage as well as having a thing for you on top of you listening to him unload and then kissing him earlier in the night, that had to be some seriously mixed signals in his mind. I can't say I wouldn't have given it a shot once I hit the bed. I probably wouldn't go for undressing, but still.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

It was great that you still rejected him while you were drunk, especially since you've liked him for long.

Out of curiosity how drunk did you get?

Thanks

I do make a lot of stupid choices when drunk, but I have my own set of morals, and I don't sleep with other people's partners. I feel really strongly about it, and feel bad enough for what did happen.

I'd had about 5 pints of cider by the time we kissed. Then a couple of glasses of wine, another pint and two cans by the time I went to bed... And that's not even a lot to me, or a lot of people I know.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

He was out of line, but I think you could have made wiser decisions as well. I don't think it was very smart to A) let him stay the night and B) let him sleep in your bed. You were saying one thing with your words, but you were telling him something else with your actions, and considering he admitted to being unhappy in his marriage as well as having a thing for you on top of you listening to him unload and then kissing him earlier in the night, that had to be some seriously mixed signals in his mind. I can't say I wouldn't have given it a shot once I hit the bed. I probably wouldn't go for undressing, but still.

Yeah I get the mixed signals thing in terms of me kissing him probably made him want it more, so I just should have put my foot down more in the first place.

But in fairness, I got home, changed into my baggy pj's and said goodnight. I wasn't kissing him or even being remotely anything but sleepy.

And didn't try and wake me up to proposition me. He just tried to take my trousers down. It was totally and utterly wrong and put me off him forever now.

Not gonna have a go or even say anything, just won't think of him in the same way now.

 

[Anita18]

True, I have been avoiding situations where there's a possibility of rejection so far......

Are you not going to apply to college or a job? Those are the big ones you have yet to experience.

 

[moviedoors]

Yes, but you invited him to your bed. I'm not trying to absolve him, because what he did was wrong, but I really think you should take seriously what signals your giving a man in circumstances like that. Things could've turned out way, way worse than they did. I think the both of you showed poor judgement on that night.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I would agree that both showed poor judgment, but the first time he tried and she said no, he shouldn't have tried a second time.

 

[moviedoors]

I would agree that both showed poor judgment, but the first time he tried and she said no, he shouldn't have tried a second time.

Absolutely. By that point, the signals should've been perfectly clear.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Yeah that's fair enough, I know it was pretty dumb to think think that he'd just respect the fact i'd said I wouldn't do it and not try anything. Especially since i'd initially said no to kissing me, and persistence won me over with that... so guess he thought I was just playing hard to get or something.

It's just the way he approached it that bugs me though. He didn't do anything immediately. He waited long enough for me to be pretty much asleep. And then just started pulling my trousers down... I mean, what did he think was going to happen? That he was just going to stick it in while I was sleeping and i'd wake up and just be like 'oh yay, a penis is inside me?