The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts!

[SpideyVille]

First of all, thank you so much. It's encouraging just to know there are other people who have dealt with it.
Well most of them like me as a friend, they just don't want anything more. I think I do okay. I'm funny, and really nice to everyone I meet. I make a point of never really talking bad about anyone. I hold doors open and am polite, I make eye contact and smile, I have good posture. I think my personality is helping, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.

No problem. I wish I had people outside of my friends at school to talk to about these things because most of the advice I got from people back then were friends of mine who weren't really much different than me other than the the fact that they were more comfortable around girls.

How long does it take for you to make your intentions known? I think most people here would all say that the topic of being a "nice guy" has been discussed to death. And while I don't like to subscribe to the theory that you need to do the opposite and be a jerk, I do believe that being forward about what you want early on definitely helps to prevent from falling into that place that isn't quite as deep as the friend zone, but still makes girls be interested in you as nothing more than just a friend. Personally, I still struggle with this because I try to be too polite at times to people in general, but when it comes to a girl that I like, I tend to go overboard and that doesn't help. So I don't think that being nice is a problem, but finding ways to let a girl know you are interested from the start might be what you need to work on. Because in all honesty, sometimes a girl will give you the "I like you as a friend" thing when you barely know them, and that shows that its just an excuse for them saying they're just not interested or attractive to you, and in that case, it says more about them than it does about you.

 

[webhead9707]

No problem. I wish I had people outside of my friends at school to talk to about these things because most of the advice I got from people back then were friends of mine who weren't really much different than me other than the the fact that they were more comfortable around girls.

How long does it take for you to make your intentions known? I think most people here would all say that the topic of being a "nice guy" has been discussed to death. And while I don't like to subscribe to the theory that you need to do the opposite and be a jerk, I do believe that being forward about what you want early on definitely helps to prevent from falling into that place that isn't quite as deep as the friend zone, but still makes girls be interested in you as nothing more than just a friend. Personally, I still struggle with this because I try to be too polite at times to people in general, but when it comes to a girl that I like, I tend to go overboard and that doesn't help. So I don't think that being nice is a problem, but finding ways to let a girl know you are interested from the start might be what you need to work on. Because in all honesty, sometimes a girl will give you the "I like you as a friend" thing when you barely know them, and that shows that its just an excuse for them saying they're just not interested or attractive to you, and in that case, it says more about them than it does about you.

Well with the girl that I'm so into that's my best friend, it took me about 6-8 months because I was trying to decide between her and another girl.. Then with this girl, maybe 3 or 4 months? I guess that it takes me too long but I like making sure someone is right for me before I ask them out because I don't want to have to dump them and hurt them or mess up the friendship if things don't work out.

 

[Anita18]

You seem to be doing quite well..
Being interested in someone is just horrible so far. It never ends well for me because apparently I'm more repulsive to females than the lovechild of Gollum and Dobby, and I'm just sick of it. I'm not perfect but I would at least treat a girl right and make her feel like a princess, but no. I'm so tired of getting rejected anytime I show interest in someone. I feel like there's just some giant hole in me that only girls I like can see.

That's not what all girls want out of a relationship. If it was, girls would be perfectly happy being the spoiled children of their parents and have no yearning for a romantic relationship.

The girls in high school want to be treated like a princess, maybe, but nobody's the same the rest of their life as they are in high school. Unless they're total losers.

First of all, thank you so much. It's encouraging just to know there are other people who have dealt with it.
Well most of them like me as a friend, they just don't want anything more. I think I do okay. I'm funny, and really nice to everyone I meet. I make a point of never really talking bad about anyone. I hold doors open and am polite, I make eye contact and smile, I have good posture. I think my personality is helping, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.

There's nothing you can do about your personality to make more girls like you, unless you want to live your life faking being someone else. Either they like you, or they don't. Being a super-nice dude isn't always part of that.

It's something you learn as you get older. Just because you act nice to everyone else doesn't mean everyone's gonna like you or even be nice to you back. You have to learn when you should let go and move on.

I don't think there was anything "wrong" with me either, or at least so specific that anyone could articulate it. I don't have much experience relationship-wise even though I'm married. My husband was only my second boyfriend, and the second guy to even agree for a second date with me. I wasn't going on a date every week, but I must have talked to hundreds of guys and nothing would ever come of it. Isn't it supposed to be easier for girls to get guys?

The things that made me not hot to guys were things that I couldn't help. I'm underweight. I have no boobs. I hate dressing up. I have bug-like eyes and my nose is big. (I'm not ugly really, but I know I'm not a "hot" girl.) I have a stutter, in addition to a deep voice. I'm not social and I shy away from physical touch among friends. Plus, I'm very intelligent and my mom joked more than once that I scared guys away with that. Judging by how some guys treated me on first dates, I don't think that's too far from the truth.

I could have purposely changed some things about myself. I could try to make myself be a social butterfly, dress like a supermodel (because they're all skinny anyway), talk girly, and act dumb, and I'm not that kind of person. I would be miserable being that kind of person. The only thing to do then, was to keep looking. I would meet someone who accepted me the way I am, even encouraging it, and love for me for it. That's all I wanted in a relationship. My first bf thought I was "cute," and at least that was a start.

I eventually did find him. It took 3 years of looking online, because clearly, being an introverted hermit meant I wasn't going to meet anyone in person who would check those boxes. He became my husband, because I know I should keep a good thing when I see it. He loves that I'm smart, and thinks I can do anything I put my mind to. He thinks I'm beautiful, even when I just roll out of bed. He loves that I'm an introvert, because he is too and we enjoy our quiet time together. He doesn't even mind my stutter. He actually hates girls with high voices who talk too much.

My point is, you're only 16 and you're stuck in high school, with no choice as to who's around you. It'll get easier in college, when you're around people who are at least choosing to be there to some degree, and depending on the size of the school, you'll have a larger selection pool. It may or may not get easier after college depending on your work hours, but there's always online dating, and being an adult means you get to completely choose who you spend your free time with. The only thing that can stop you is yourself.

Don't forget, you should have some standards too. Despite my sob story above, there are certain guys I would have said no to. I weeded out a lot of guys at the chat level because they sent me creepy vibes, and I didn't want to waste one minute trying to date a guy who creeped me out. Guys with absolutely no ambition don't turn me on.

With all of the things that my husband gives me, I give him a lot back too. I support him and his crazy ideas. (Well, to a point. ) I let him do whatever he wants, short of breaking the law or hurting people. I'm open-minded. I encourage him to do better.

We try to make each other better people. Even if you're not sure if a relationship will lead to marriage, life is too short to waste on someone who holds you back, emotionally or otherwise.

Chin up, young padawan. There is much to learn in life, and to have fun too.

 

[webhead9707]

That's not what all girls want out of a relationship. If it was, girls would be perfectly happy being the spoiled children of their parents and have no yearning for a romantic relationship.

The girls in high school want to be treated like a princess, maybe, but nobody's the same the rest of their life as they are in high school. Unless they're total losers.


There's nothing you can do about your personality to make more girls like you, unless you want to live your life faking being someone else. Either they like you, or they don't. Being a super-nice dude isn't always part of that.

It's something you learn as you get older. Just because you act nice to everyone else doesn't mean everyone's gonna like you or even be nice to you back. You have to learn when you should let go and move on.

I don't think there was anything "wrong" with me either, or at least so specific that anyone could articulate it. I don't have much experience relationship-wise even though I'm married. My husband was only my second boyfriend, and the second guy to even agree for a second date with me. I wasn't going on a date every week, but I must have talked to hundreds of guys and nothing would ever come of it. Isn't it supposed to be easier for girls to get guys?

The things that made me not hot to guys were things that I couldn't help. I'm underweight. I have no boobs. I hate dressing up. I have bug-like eyes and my nose is big. (I'm not ugly really, but I know I'm not a "hot" girl.) I have a stutter, in addition to a deep voice. I'm not social and I shy away from physical touch among friends. Plus, I'm very intelligent and my mom joked more than once that I scared guys away with that. Judging by how some guys treated me on first dates, I don't think that's too far from the truth.

I could have purposely changed some things about myself. I could try to make myself be a social butterfly, dress like a supermodel (because they're all skinny anyway), talk girly, and act dumb, and I'm not that kind of person. I would be miserable being that kind of person. The only thing to do then, was to keep looking. I would meet someone who accepted me the way I am, even encouraging it, and love for me for it. That's all I wanted in a relationship. My first bf thought I was "cute," and at least that was a start.

I eventually did find him. It took 3 years of looking online, because clearly, being an introverted hermit meant I wasn't going to meet anyone in person who would check those boxes. He became my husband, because I know I should keep a good thing when I see it. He loves that I'm smart, and thinks I can do anything I put my mind to. He thinks I'm beautiful, even when I just roll out of bed. He loves that I'm an introvert, because he is too and we enjoy our quiet time together. He doesn't even mind my stutter. He actually hates girls with high voices who talk too much.

My point is, you're only 16 and you're stuck in high school, with no choice as to who's around you. It'll get easier in college, when you're around people who are at least choosing to be there to some degree, and depending on the size of the school, you'll have a larger selection pool. It may or may not get easier after college depending on your work hours, but there's always online dating, and being an adult means you get to completely choose who you spend your free time with. The only thing that can stop you is yourself.

Don't forget, you should have some standards too. Despite my sob story above, there are certain guys I would have said no to. I weeded out a lot of guys at the chat level because they sent me creepy vibes, and I didn't want to waste one minute trying to date a guy who creeped me out. Guys with absolutely no ambition don't turn me on.

With all of the things that my husband gives me, I give him a lot back too. I support him and his crazy ideas. (Well, to a point. ) I let him do whatever he wants, short of breaking the law or hurting people. I'm open-minded. I encourage him to do better.

We try to make each other better people. Even if you're not sure if a relationship will lead to marriage, life is too short to waste on someone who holds you back, emotionally or otherwise.

Chin up, young padawan. There is much to learn in life, and to have fun too.

Whoa. That was so helpful and sweet! That's what hurts the most. She supports me in everything, she loves my stupid sense of humor, she loves the fact that I sing songs because I'm not good with words, she makes me a better person, but she doesn't feel that way. And yeah I have standards. Most of my friends say I'm too picky. I mean there are girls that like me, but most of them like me because they're desperate, not because they really like me. I'm gonna trust you that it gets better.

Side note: I'm so happy for you. It seems like you have a pretty happy and wonderful marriage.t:

 

[L.A.]

I'm going to ask my gf to marry me this week at the Santa Monica pier. It will be officially six months

 

[Boy Scout]

Congratulations. It must have been an amazing six months.

 

[Warhammer]

Damn, that's quick. I hope she doesn't think it's too fast. With that said, good luck to you and congratulations. Hoping for the best for you.

 

[Anubis]

Congratulations doesn't seem the proper term to use yet.

Good Luck sounds better.

 

[Warhammer]

Well, I congratulate him on his amazing testicular fortitude. Dudes be sweating it when they ask a girl they've been dating for three years. This man is asking at six months. He deserves to be congratulated.

 

[Anubis]

Don't see why. If you've been with a chick for 3 years, chances are she probably expected you to ask after the first one. Unless of course you're only asking cuz you feel guilty about banging her sister last Christmas.

But yeah, he should be nervous. 6 months, that's quick. But then again I haven't seen the love birds in action so what do I know?

 

[Warhammer]

Damn, one year? That's too fast for me. If I asked after the first year, we'd probably just be engaged for the next two or some odd years. Then what'd be the point?

 

[Anubis]

No, "What would be the point?" is being together for like 15 years before getting married.

 

[Warhammer]

If people do that, they might as well just be domestic partners. Some people just bypass the legal stuff. Haven't Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn been dating for 30 years? Like, to the point where Kate Hudson considers Kurt Russell her real father?

 

[Anubis]

I thought he was.

 

[Warhammer]

No sir.

 

[Anubis]

Wow. My whole worldview is shattered.

 

[Anita18]

No, "What would be the point?" is being together for like 15 years before getting married.

My boss has been with his girlfriend for 16 years and he's actually been talking about a wedding more after attending mine.

True, in practice there is no point. The hubs and I were together 4 years before we got married, and our everyday relationship feels exactly the same as they did before. But you do remember having made vows and all, from time to time.

 

[SpideyVille]

No, "What would be the point?" is being together for like 15 years before getting married.

That's the same reaction I had when I found out my brother was getting married. He proposed to his girlfriend after about a year or two, but there were never any wedding plans made. They had their first kid a couple of years later, than another one a few years after that, and then he finally moved in with her in the same house that her family had bought, as opposed to staying over in their apartment. They finally moved out alone with their kids a few years after that and then one day his girlfriend just decided that she wanted to get married. At this point, they had been together for about 14 years.

I just felt like it was completely unnecessary considering how much money they spent, not to mention, I've always had suspicions that my brother regretted getting into the relationship since there were several signs that he had been cheating on her when he moved away with her and her parents. To this day, I still believe they're only together because of the kids.

 

[SpideyVille]

Well with the girl that I'm so into that's my best friend, it took me about 6-8 months because I was trying to decide between her and another girl.. Then with this girl, maybe 3 or 4 months? I guess that it takes me too long but I like making sure someone is right for me before I ask them out because I don't want to have to dump them and hurt them or mess up the friendship if things don't work out.

Cases like that are definitely tough because in most cases, you only get one chance to make a first impression on someone, so its hard to change what they initially think of you if you're not interested in them at first and don't really care (although that can actually be more helpful in allowing you to be yourself when you're around them). But I had a friend who had a good approach when it came to meeting new girls, which was that even if he wasn't interested in them at that moment, either because he was already seeing someone or for some other reason, he would still try to "plant a seed" where if things changed later on down the road, that the other person would be open to the idea of dating him because he didn't come off as a guy who just wanted to be friends. This kinda goes hand in hand with the idea of not putting all of your eggs in one basket, and I think this works because you're not actually dating the person, so you're not committed to them and shouldn't have a problem cutting the string, or having your string cut if things don't work out.

But then again, this is coming me, a guy who is still holding out for "the one," so take what you want from that.

 

[Erzengel]

I'm going to ask my gf to marry me this week at the Santa Monica pier. It will be officially six months

Are you planning on a longer engagement?

I mean I wish you all the luck in the world, but six months is still the honeymoon phase in relationships.

Damn, one year? That's too fast for me. If I asked after the first year, we'd probably just be engaged for the next two or some odd years. Then what'd be the point?

We will be engaged 3 years before we are married. We also purchased a house in the meantime.

 

[webhead9707]

Cases like that are definitely tough because in most cases, you only get one chance to make a first impression on someone, so its hard to change what they initially think of you if you're not interested in them at first and don't really care (although that can actually be more helpful in allowing you to be yourself when you're around them). But I had a friend who had a good approach when it came to meeting new girls, which was that even if he wasn't interested in them at that moment, either because he was already seeing someone or for some other reason, he would still try to "plant a seed" where if things changed later on down the road, that the other person would be open to the idea of dating him because he didn't come off as a guy who just wanted to be friends. This kinda goes hand in hand with the idea of not putting all of your eggs in one basket, and I think this works because you're not actually dating the person, so you're not committed to them and shouldn't have a problem cutting the string, or having your string cut if things don't work out.

But then again, this is coming me, a guy who is still holding out for "the one," so take what you want from that.

Makes sense, I'll be sure to do that in the future.. In the meantime I just have to figure out how to recover from failing to plant a seed.

And I totally respect holding out. Don't give up man!

 

[Erzengel]

I think Spidey needs to just go on dates and not worry about finding "the one".

 

[the last son]

What's the point of marriage period? I never plan on it. I'm planning on life isolated. Don't care anymore.

 

[Erzengel]

So someone can legally take half your s'.

 

[Anita18]

What's the point of marriage period? I never plan on it. I'm planning on life isolated. Don't care anymore.

And yet you are still here.