The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[InCali]

Can you cancel the debts in installments? I guess you must have to pay some extra fee...

So, in order to pay that crazy amount... how much money you're supposed to make? It's crazy that you get to say "per year", it'd be impossible for me due to inflation rates.

You can pay it off or the government can, and has, forgiven some of it. There's a big controversy on whether the president can cancel student debt. I actually left a position I really liked with UCLA and took a private sector job so I could help more. Between that and some scholarships, they only graduated with $10,000 in debt and if the Biden proposal is approved, they won't have to pay that off.

I don't know exactly where the challenge is at in the courts, but I'll bet @Prison Mike knows more.

 

[Hobgoblin]

So I met a coworker that I’m attracted to. She quit and moved on to another job, but her roommate still works with us. My current coworker says they are moving into a new apartment and want to have a bbq. They want to invite work friends. The former coworker seemed attracted to me too…but the problem is that she’s a recovering alcoholic. Both of them are. I tend to get into codependent relationships, so a partner with a chemical dependency is a no no.

We had another coworker a while ago that I liked but she passed away from a heroin overdose. She was actually in the same program as my current coworker.

It’s just frustrating.

 

[Wolvieboy17]

I'm sorry mate, that's a tough one. For what it's worth, some friends of mine just got married, and the husband is a recovering alcoholic, and their partnership is totally healthy. I think it's great you have those boundaries for yourself, but maybe there's still a way to find a middle ground? Or see where things go as friends, but be upfront with her about your boundaries if things get closer? That way you're at least giving her a chance to show you where she's at with recovery, and it could surprise you?

Although if you're worried you might fall into old habits of co-dependency, I can understand the reluctance.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Falling into a situation like my marriage is exactly what I’m afraid of. On one hand I know I’m much more guarded than I was before but relationships are still risky. Maybe I’ll just go to the bbq and get to know her better. For all I know she is seeing someone.

 

[Wolvieboy17]

I think just going to the BBQ is a good idea. It does sound like you've build up some pretty solid boundaries from past experience, so maybe I'd just trust yourself to not give in to any of those boundaries if any big red flags pop up in the process.

I would also say, every relationship is risky, but sometimes putting yourself back out there is the only way to gauge how much you've grown since a bad relationship. I think it's really natural to be hesitant after your previous relationship, but it can sometimes be an important part of the healing process to prove to ourselves we've learnt more about ourselves.

Sure nothing might come of anything with this co-worker, but even so, could be a positive stepping stone towards the next romantic opportunity. Good luck mate!

 

[Erzengel]

I think the BBQ is a chance to open your circle to get to know people better. Going to this BBQ doesn't mean you have to start dating anyone. You don't need to put the cart before the horse.

 

[theastsunnn]

in my first relationship at 35, 7 months in. I made sacrifices and changes so it could work. Problems are starting to arise maybe because I’m stressed and not liking things who knows, but things I looked past are getting to me. We have different sex likes, and frequencies. We have different hobbies. I pay for any activity we do. Even when I didn’t have a job for 2 of the 7 months. I don’t get meals made and I have to buy hers most the time together because my cooking isn’t good. She’s someone nice to talk to and I remember how hard single life was. At what point is this just middle of the relationship struggles and serious concerns and compatibility issues? We’ve met each others families. She always meh on having kids and I’m pretty set on it.

 

[Erzengel]

I always thought a year in everything was still the "honeymoon" phase. I think there are things that may annoy us about our significant other in the beginning, but everything else that you like about them should make us overlook it. Hobbies and cooking are minor stuff. Sex compatibility is more important depending on the person but kids/no kids are red flags/deal breakers. This is stuff you should know now and not expect the other person to change down the road.

 

[theastsunnn]

I always thought a year in everything was still the "honeymoon" phase. I think there are things that may annoy us about our significant other in the beginning, but everything else that you like about them should make us overlook it. Hobbies and cooking are minor stuff. Sex compatibility is more important depending on the person but kids/no kids are red flags/deal breakers. This is stuff you should know now and not expect the other person to change down the road.

I go through pretty long bouts of depression and make rash decisions like quit jobs, turn my back on family, but I don’t want to do that with her and regret what could be special but when I’m down I’m down.

 

[Erzengel]

Communication is key. You shouldn't be keeping all this in. I mean don't rattle off everything that's bothering you but if you don't tell her what's bothering you, she'll never know.

 

[theastsunnn]

@Erzengel Recently complained because all the sacrifices to be in a relationship are catching up to me. I went to buy the groceries, cooked and did they turn out great no? No, but still didn’t feel like hearing about it. So complained that we should both worry about ourselves in the dinner dept. this is my first long relationship,8 months now and I can just remain quiet about my wants and needs, be a little unhappy and live out my life or just start communicating my displeasures and go from there. Feels like I’m doing everything to make her happy while giving away everything that makes me happy. Maybe all men do this to be in relationships.

 

[MissMarvelous]

@Erzengel Recently complained because all the sacrifices to be in a relationship are catching up to me. I went to buy the groceries, cooked and did they turn out great no? No, but still didn’t feel like hearing about it. So complained that we should both worry about ourselves in the dinner dept. this is my first long relationship,8 months now and I can just remain quiet about my wants and needs, be a little unhappy and live out my life or just start communicating my displeasures and go from there. Feels like I’m doing everything to make her happy while giving away everything that makes me happy. Maybe all men do this to be in relationships.

I think it's great that you are able to communicate your needs and feelings. That's very important and the only way the other person can truly know what's going on... kuddos to you for taking that step!

Keeping your feelings and desires to yourself will only make you unhappy and God knows what else. You deserve to be heard, seen and validated.

 

[theastsunnn]

I think it's great that you are able to communicate your needs and feelings. That's very important and the only way the other person can truly know what's going on... kuddos to you for taking that step!

Keeping your feelings and desires to yourself will only make you unhappy and God knows what else. You deserve to be heard, seen and validated.

I haven’t communicated everything though. I’m not good with communication, but have to start. I’ve been keeping my feelings inside and letting her have every victory. But I don’t know if that’s sustainable from my end. So I just have to start bring it up. I don’t want to just dump everything on get all at once like I did about me cooking the other night. I brought up that I need more sex, but that went nowhere. Def had more sex when I single and that’s hard to believe.

 

[MissMarvelous]

I haven’t communicated everything though. I’m not good with communication, but have to start. I’ve been keeping my feelings inside and letting her have every victory. But I don’t know if that’s sustainable from my end. So I just have to start bring it up. I don’t want to just dump everything on get all at once like I did about me cooking the other night. I brought up that I need more sex, but that went nowhere. Def had more sex when I single and that’s hard to believe.

Well, it's a start! And if you want things to change you will have to work on them.

Communicating your feelings, generally speaking, it's not easy at all! I'm proud of you, you are trying, and I truly hope you succeed.

Keep working on the things you wish to change and communicate as much as you can. A little bit, day by day... hopefully, in the end, you will be able to communicate much more than you ever thought possible. Boundaries are also necessary, and you will achieve them only if you speak.

No one should be guessing what you want/need/feel - and neither should you. You partner should be able to do it as well. You both need to have that if you want to have a successful and healthy relationship. Some may differ from me and that's ok because we all have our own opinions and POVs.

As per the segsy times, I don't know if you are comfortable enough to talk about it here, but do you take the lead in that aspect? Or you just wait for her cue?

 

[theastsunnn]

Well, it's a start! And if you want things to change you will have to work on them.

Communicating your feelings, generally speaking, it's not easy at all! I'm proud of you, you are trying, and I truly hope you succeed.

Keep working on the things you wish to change and communicate as much as you can. A little bit, day by day... hopefully, in the end, you will be able to communicate much more than you ever thought possible. Boundaries are also necessary, and you will achieve them only if you speak.

No one should be guessing what you want/need/feel - and neither should you. You partner should be able to do it as well. You both need to have that if you want to have a successful and healthy relationship. Some may differ from me and that's ok because we all have our own opinions and POVs.

As per the segsy times, I don't know if you are comfortable enough to talk about it here, but do you take the lead in that aspect? Or you just wait for her cue?

Thanks for the input, I brought up to her I needed more sex she asked how much I told and she said well try, but it remained the same. I usually wait on her to initiate because I know she does not want it as much as me. She’s told me this and **** me down a couple of times so I just quit initiating. Now I’ll only initiate if I really need it. Sex is another sacrifice I’m making to make things work because she likes me and I like her and I’ve been single my whole life. Not much out there. So I have to sacrifice sex, money and my time.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Thanks for the input, I brought up to her I needed more sex she asked how much I told and she said well try, but it remained the same. I usually wait on her to initiate because I know she does not want it as much as me. She’s told me this and **** me down a couple of times so I just quit initiating. Now I’ll only initiate if I really need it. Sex is another sacrifice I’m making to make things work because she likes me and I like her and I’ve been single my whole life. Not much out there. So I have to sacrifice sex, money and my time

Thanks for the input, I brought up to her I needed more sex she asked how much I told and she said well try, but it remained the same. I usually wait on her to initiate because I know she does not want it as much as me. She’s told me this and **** me down a couple of times so I just quit initiating. Now I’ll only initiate if I really need it. Sex is another sacrifice I’m making to make things work because she likes me and I like her and I’ve been single my whole life. Not much out there. So I have to sacrifice sex, money and my time.

Have you considered that you may be with her because you don't want to be single? Although I have no idea whatsoever about her background.

Does she battle with anxiety, depression or something like that? Maybe even some hormonal syndrome? I.e. Some women with PCOS have a low segs drive.

I'm not gonna lie and i have to admit that the situation feels weird. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that you've only been dating for 8 months and by this time you guys should be like rabbits (again: not everyone would agree with me on this).

If you are making all those sacrifices at this stage then something must not be working.

I would suggest, if you allow me, to really take a mental break and ask yourself if this is bringing you joy, if you really want this.

 

[theastsunnn]

Have you considered that you may be with her because you don't want to be single? Although I have no idea whatsoever about her background.

Does she battle with anxiety, depression or something like that? Maybe even some hormonal syndrome? I.e. Some women with PCOS have a low segs drive.

I'm not gonna lie and i have to admit that the situation feels weird. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that you've only been dating for 8 months and by this time you guys should be like rabbits (again: not everyone would agree with me on this).

If you are making all those sacrifices at this stage then something must not be working.

I would suggest, if you allow me, to really take a mental break and ask yourself if this is bringing you joy, if you really want this.

I’ve always dated more submissive women and she’s def not that. A feminist but I thought feminist were about equal rights? Instead it’s what can I do for her. I pay for everything, and get nothing back except a partner. Now I know you ask why not just break up, well I don’t think I’m the easiest person to get along with. 8 months for me feels like an eternity. I really don’t feel like starting over. She’s nice, smart and attractive, funny. But there are things as I’ve mentioned that aren’t so great.

 

[InCali]

I'm going to say something that no one listens to.....and for good reason. I've always said that you can't tell someone how to feel, but if you find yourself in a relationship that you think is unfair and can't reconcile that fact on an emotional level, you're in the wrong relationship and it's not going to get any better. I've had my share of close relationships and I think one of the most important things one can do is to be honest and up front about who you are right from the start because you ARE going to revert to your general personality. Better to have someone not want to be with you than fooling someone and finding out you aren't really compatible down the line. I also let (well......used to let) people know I expected the same from them.

One other thing......don't be desperate and don't be in a hurry. Make friends. Be a friend. I know my girl @MissMarvelous thinks I'm nuts, but virtually every close relationship I've ever had came "after" a friendship developed. That could just be my personality quirk, but I've found that it's better to know someone and like them first. Of course there's those times when sparks just fly from the get go, but I've found those to be the exception rather than the rule and they didn't generally last for me. For me, there's nothing worse than being in a relationship that makes you miserable.

 

[Babillygunn]

Agreed that friends first is a good rule of thumb. That’s what I’ve stressed to my boys as I raised them. I ultimately married my best friend, which has made all the difference.

Also, don’t approach it like a ledger. It’s not that your partner’s good points outweigh the bad. The question is whether you can love the person completely, including their flaws. If you can’t love your partner’s flaws, then you need to look long and hard at whether that’s a long term relationship to pursue.

 

[MissMarvelous]

W

I'm going to say something that no one listens to.....and for good reason. I've always said that you can't tell someone how to feel, but if you find yourself in a relationship that you think is unfair and can't reconcile that fact on an emotional level, you're in the wrong relationship and it's not going to get any better. I've had my share of close relationships and I think one of the most important things one can do is to be honest and up front about who you are right from the start because you ARE going to revert to your general personality. Better to have someone not want to be with you than fooling someone and finding out you aren't really compatible down the line. I also let (well......used to let) people know I expected the same from them.

One other thing......don't be desperate and don't be in a hurry. Make friends. Be a friend. I know my girl @MissMarvelous thinks I'm nuts, but virtually every close relationship I've ever had came "after" a friendship developed. That could just be my personality quirk, but I've found that it's better to know someone and like them first. Of course there's those times when sparks just fly from the get go, but I've found those to be the exception rather than the rule and they didn't generally last for me. For me, there's nothing worse than being in a relationship that makes you miserable.

why would you say that, you crazy? :P

I agree with you (most of the times), not always... but being frineds first and then keep on working on towards a relationship is great (Maybe even vice-versa). But to each their own (?).

Not every piece of advice is compatible with everyone or for everyone's situation. That's why I said "in my opinion" or "from my POV".

Now, why are we discussing this?

 

[InCali]

W

why would you say that, you crazy?

I agree with you (most of the times), not always... but being frineds first and then keep on working on towards a relationship is great (Maybe even vice-versa). But to each their own (?).

Not every piece of advice is compatible with everyone or for everyone's situation. That's why I said "in my opinion" or "from my POV".

Now, why are we discussing this?

Well, as to my state of mind, you’d know better than most. As I’m also sure you’re aware, a lot of discussion isn’t needed with me because I’m always right.

 

[theastsunnn]

I'm going to say something that no one listens to.....and for good reason. I've always said that you can't tell someone how to feel, but if you find yourself in a relationship that you think is unfair and can't reconcile that fact on an emotional level, you're in the wrong relationship and it's not going to get any better. I've had my share of close relationships and I think one of the most important things one can do is to be honest and up front about who you are right from the start because you ARE going to revert to your general personality. Better to have someone not want to be with you than fooling someone and finding out you aren't really compatible down the line. I also let (well......used to let) people know I expected the same from them.

One other thing......don't be desperate and don't be in a hurry. Make friends. Be a friend. I know my girl @MissMarvelous thinks I'm nuts, but virtually every close relationship I've ever had came "after" a friendship developed. That could just be my personality quirk, but I've found that it's better to know someone and like them first. Of course there's those times when sparks just fly from the get go, but I've found those to be the exception rather than the rule and they didn't generally last for me. For me, there's nothing worse than being in a relationship that makes you miserable.

I don’t think I’ve been dishonest about who I am. I think I thought I could live with our differences. I didn’t know forever I would be paying for everything, even when 2 of those months I didn’t have a job. I’m new to relationships even though I’m almost 36. I’m leaving and growing everyday and figuring out what I like and don’t. I know that relationships of acting have to be worked on. I’ve put a lot into this already and she has as well. I’m committed to building and growing with her. Expressing my doubts. Likes. I do appreciate the input you and others have given.

 

[InCali]

I don’t think I’ve been dishonest about who I am. I think I thought I could live with our differences. I didn’t know forever I would be paying for everything, even when 2 of those months I didn’t have a job. I’m new to relationships even though I’m almost 36. I’m leaving and growing everyday and figuring out what I like and don’t. I know that relationships of acting have to be worked on. I’ve put a lot into this already and she has as well. I’m committed to building and growing with her. Expressing my doubts. Likes. I do appreciate the input you and others have given.

Just to be clear, I wasn’t suggesting that you, or anyone else had been dishonest in your relationship. It’s just that people have a tendency when they like someone to really put their best foot forward and that’s not a bad thing. I just think that it’s important, that people are clear with each other on what they expect out of a relationship. I genuinely wish you the best going forward. It sounds like you have the right attitude.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Well, as to my state of mind, you’d know better than most. As I’m also sure you’re aware, a lot of discussion isn’t needed with me because I’m always right.

That's nuts.

 

[InCali]

That's nuts.

Like I said “as to my state of mind…..”