The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - Part 31

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

I have a question for you guys and gals and wanting to know if I am being a bit ridiculous.

Me and my girlfriend of 12 months have been on holiday with friends this past week and it's been great. We have had a bit of a rocky time lately but the holiday seemed to re-ignite our passion a little.

Then on the last night my girlfriend was dancing face to face with one of my friends and it went on for a good while. It wasn't grinding or anything they didn't touch at all, but it was close enough that it bothered me a little. I brought it up when we left the bar both drunk, and she said it's a me issue rather than a her issue, and she is going home with me so I shouldn't be worried. Basically she was just having fun with one of my friends and letting her hair down a little.

But a couple of days later it's still bothering me, we are long distance and it just makes me wonder what she gets up to when I am not there. Also this is the girl that doesn't like PDA's with me, though she was kissing me in the bar that night before and after dancing with my friend. Am I being ridiculous for thinking like this? Should I bring it up again or will that just cause us problems again because I am being insecure about this?

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

I have a question for you guys and gals and wanting to know if I am being a bit ridiculous.

Me and my girlfriend of 12 months have been on holiday with friends this past week and it's been great. We have had a bit of a rocky time lately but the holiday seemed to re-ignite our passion a little.

Then on the last night my girlfriend was dancing face to face with one of my friends and it went on for a good while. It wasn't grinding or anything they didn't touch at all, but it was close enough that it bothered me a little. I brought it up when we left the bar both drunk, and she said it's a me issue rather than a her issue, and she is going home with me so I shouldn't be worried. Basically she was just having fun with one of my friends and letting her hair down a little.

But a couple of days later it's still bothering me, we are long distance and it just makes me wonder what she gets up to when I am not there. Also this is the girl that doesn't like PDA's with me, though she was kissing me in the bar that night before and after dancing with my friend. Am I being ridiculous for thinking like this? Should I bring it up again or will that just cause us problems again because I am being insecure about this?

Well we spoke and I brought it up again, she laughed it off and said I have nothing to worry about, she wouldn’t do it with anyone she didn’t know and just wanted to let her hair down and have some fun with one of my friends. She assured me she’s all mine and I have no reason to be jealous at all.

Maybe I just need to get over myself sometimes.

 

[Erzengel]

I was with someone who's friend licked my face and another that took my camera and took a picture under her shirt. Are these crossing the line? By definition, yes. However, it never bothered her because she trusted me. There are people out there that I previously mentioned that porn is crossing the line. It depends on the 2 people and if the other person doesn't abuse the trust.

 

[MissMarvelous]

It wasn't grinding or anything they didn't touch at all, but it was close enough that it bothered me a little.

Have you talked about it with your friend, as well?

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Have you talked about it with your friend, as well?

Yes, he couldn't remember doing it. But he is married with 2 kids so I don't think there was any intention there

I was with someone who's friend licked my face and another that took my camera and took a picture under her shirt. Are these crossing the line? By definition, yes. However, it never bothered her because she trusted me. There are people out there that I previously mentioned that porn is crossing the line. It depends on the 2 people and if the other person doesn't abuse the trust.

I trust her and she said I have nothing to worry about it was just harmless fun. She said it wouldn't bother her if I danced like that with her friends so maybe it's just me being uptight.

 

[Erzengel]

I trust her and she said I have nothing to worry about it was just harmless fun. She said it wouldn't bother her if I danced like that with her friends so maybe it's just me being uptight.

To be perfectly honest, I am a little hypocritical about it. If one of my guy friends licked my gf's face or took her camera and took a picture of his chest, I don't think I'd be as cool. There is sometimes a bit of a double standard.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

To be perfectly honest, I am a little hypocritical about it. If one of my guy friends licked my gf's face or took her camera and took a picture of his chest, I don't think I'd be as cool. There is sometimes a bit of a double standard.

Well I said to her when I was drunk she wouldnt like me dancing with her friends that way, she said in our conversation today she wouldn't mind it. But it's just not something I'd personally do.

I dont know, when I think back I have had friends girlfriends dancing with me in the past, if it ever got too close I would walk away. I just felt uncomfortable seeing it but she has really made the effort to re-assure me today it was just fun and she is all mine.

 

[MissMarvelous]

Yes, he couldn't remember doing it.

Why? Was he that wasted?

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

Why? Was he that wasted?

We all were to be fair, i just tend to remember things more than most people when I am drunk, I am the guy people call the next day after a night out to find out what happened.

So what do you MM am I being a bit uptight about this?

 

[MissMarvelous]

We all were to be fair, i just tend to remember things more than most people when I am drunk, I am the guy people call the next day after a night out to find out what happened.

So what do you MM am I being a bit uptight about this?

No, I wouldn't say that you're being a bit uptight... you're just worried and you have all the right to be (if I were you, I'd be mad!). I think that I'm quite territorial and my jealousy levels would skyrocket.

Don't think that it was anything serious or to worry about but still not cool. Sorry.

Also: you excused your friend because he's married with 2 kids. Don't be so naive, if someone wants to break the rules (so to speak) they will do it no matter what.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

No, I wouldn't say that you're being a bit uptight... you're just worried and you have all the right to be (if I were you, I'd be mad!). I think that I'm quite territorial and my jealousy levels would skyrocket.

Don't think that it was anything serious or to worry about but still not cool. Sorry.

Also: you excused your friend because he's married with 2 kids. Don't be so naive, if someone wants to break the rules (so to speak) they will do it no matter what.

Okay thanks for your input MM, I raised it with her today and she spent some time re-assuring me it was just fun and I have nothing to worry about. She said she wouldn’t do it with a stranger or if I wasn’t there and that she is all mine. She didn’t get mad or defensive either which is usually a good sign.

As I said there was no touching, just some front to front dancing which bothered me a little

 

[Mandon Knight]

I have a question for you guys and gals and wanting to know if I am being a bit ridiculous.

Me and my girlfriend of 12 months have been on holiday with friends this past week and it's been great. We have had a bit of a rocky time lately but the holiday seemed to re-ignite our passion a little.

Then on the last night my girlfriend was dancing face to face with one of my friends and it went on for a good while. It wasn't grinding or anything they didn't touch at all, but it was close enough that it bothered me a little. I brought it up when we left the bar both drunk, and she said it's a me issue rather than a her issue, and she is going home with me so I shouldn't be worried. Basically she was just having fun with one of my friends and letting her hair down a little.

But a couple of days later it's still bothering me, we are long distance and it just makes me wonder what she gets up to when I am not there. Also this is the girl that doesn't like PDA's with me, though she was kissing me in the bar that night before and after dancing with my friend. Am I being ridiculous for thinking like this? Should I bring it up again or will that just cause us problems again because I am being insecure about this?

The issue and conversation to be had on all of this is with your friend, he (I'm presuming) is the one that is overstepping the mark.

 

[Flash525]

@AVEITWITHJAMON

Personally I think there's a good chance you're reading into something that isn't there, and if you keep bringing it up, it's going to annoy her and then you will end up with something to argue about.

You were on holiday and drinking. She was dancing. So was your friend. Presumably you weren't. She also went home with you.

You may be long distance, but you can't keep worrying about what she does when you're not around; that's unhealthy for you.

I get why it concerns you, but if you allow that one moment to eat away at you, you're going to find yourself digging a hole, potentially straining the relationship. Put this instance to one side, at least until, or IF you come across something legitimate to be genuinely concerned about.

 

[AVEITWITHJAMON]

The issue and conversation to be had on all of this is with your friend, he (I'm presuming) is the one that is overstepping the mark.

Not really MK they were dancing seperately and then just started dancing together, it was all in front of me as well while I was talking to my girlfriends sister, so not like they were trying to hide anything.

@AVEITWITHJAMON

Personally I think there's a good chance you're reading into something that isn't there, and if you keep bringing it up, it's going to annoy her and then you will end up with something to argue about.

You were on holiday and drinking. She was dancing. So was your friend. Presumably you weren't. She also went home with you.

You may be long distance, but you can't keep worrying about what she does when you're not around; that's unhealthy for you.

I get why it concerns you, but if you allow that one moment to eat away at you, you're going to find yourself digging a hole, potentially straining the relationship. Put this instance to one side, at least until, or IF you come across something legitimate to be genuinely concerned about.

Thanks everyone for their input but I think have hit the nail on the head here @Flash525 . I am an over thinker and she has assured me it was just some fun and she is all mine. She has also spent the day telling me how much she loved spending the time with me.

 

[InCali]

If it bothers you, it bothers you, but it doesn't mean anything. I was just waiting for you to come to the conclusion you came to before saying anything.

 

[Six]

This is going to be a long one but it has been on my mind since it happened. This girl I've had a huge crush on for half a decade messaged me out of the blue the other day for no reason other than to talk. Haven't talked to her in over a year because she was/is(?) in a long term relationship, but thought it was weird because she most definitely knows I have a huge thing for her, and had previously suggested that she wasn't in a good place in her life to have male friends other than her boyfriend.


Well, she messaged me and we talked for quite a bit, she almost immediately let me know she wasn't that happy with life at the moment and didn't bring up her boyfriend once. It has been a year and a lot could of happened, but I felt it wasn't polite to inquire in the first conversation in a very long time. She had previously sent me messages years ago when she was single and I was about to enter a serious long term relationship, saying things like "I like your face" and other kind of flirty messages, but I never pursued her because I was almost taken at the time.


Do you think I'm reading too much into this and she just thought it was time to let me know that friendship was on the table(which is fine by me because I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship at the moment but would make an exception for the right person) or do you think theres a chance she could be kind of testing the waters and trying to gage my interest level in her, while I'm trying to gage her interest level in me? I'm a huge introvert, so I rarely talk to strangers unless I'm at a party or in some sort of social situation, but when I saw her for the first time I forced myself to work up the courage to introduce myself at the bus stop, while she was with her boyfriend at the time no less, and her smile while I was battling through my nerves is still burned into my retinas.


Does anyone have any suggestions for how I can tactfully inquire about her personal life without seeming desperate? I'm most likely way over thinking it, but I don't want to fudge it up because her presence generally makes my soul feel like cotton candy compared to the gravel and stomach lint most other people make me feel.

So, update on this. I have not asked her if she and ____ are still an item, because I am afraid of the answer, but I have tried as hard as I can to subtly line up opportunities for her to bring it up in conversation, but she never has, and it’s really feeling like a deliberate omission. We’ve talked quite a bit over the summer, she always responds very quickly, and just last week I messaged her drunkenly after getting home from the bar, not expecting her to respond that night, but we talked from 1 til around 5 am, and I was the one that had to bow out of the conversation for sleep. I’ve been getting flirting vibes from the conversations, but I also noticed her (ex?) boyfriend looked at my IG story even though I’ve never interacted with him, so I’m wondering if they’re exes but going the friend route? Or is she telling him I’m not a threat to the relationship? Why does he know about me? Does she even know he knows who I am? Why not mention him to me even once in the last 2 months? I’m willing to take it slow and just see what happens, but I’d appreciate some advice if this situation sounds familiar to anyone here.

 

[Flash525]

@Six

Based on the information provided, I wouldn't say she was romantically interested in you, so much that you're her 'go too' if she needs to offload. She contacted you, presumably knowing you have (or had?) a crush on her, so automatically you're an easy target. I obviously don't know why she contacted you, maybe she was just having a rough day, cycling through potential contacts or something.

Some people can send out the friendly and/or interested vibe even if they're not, and (with respect) you've said yourself that you're quite the introvert, so naturally the moment you're shown some attention from a girl you like, you're going to assume the best case scenario - to a point that's natural, and I say that from a little experience before I wizened up to the way my brain reacts to those feelings.

Regarding her boyfriend (or ex boyfriend); I figure one of two things. Either they're both together and she tells him everything, or her boyfriend is insecure and he's been keeping an eye on her posts etc - some of which you've liked or commented on, and he's become curious about who you are?

 

[Six]

@Six

Based on the information provided, I wouldn't say she was romantically interested in you, so much that you're her 'go too' if she needs to offload. She contacted you, presumably knowing you have (or had?) a crush on her, so automatically you're an easy target. I obviously don't know why she contacted you, maybe she was just having a rough day, cycling through potential contacts or something.

Some people can send out the friendly and/or interested vibe even if they're not, and (with respect) you've said yourself that you're quite the introvert, so naturally the moment you're shown some attention from a girl you like, you're going to assume the best case scenario - to a point that's natural, and I say that from a little experience before I wizened up to the way my brain reacts to those feelings.

Regarding her boyfriend (or ex boyfriend); I figure one of two things. Either they're both together and she tells him everything, or her boyfriend is insecure and he's been keeping an eye on her posts etc - some of which you've liked or commented on, and he's become curious about who you are?

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m a go too for “offloading” (which I have plenty experience with being that person) other than the quick comment about feeling mildly depressed, she hasn’t gone into her personal life and neither have I. No venting about life, no airing dirty laundry, it’s all been light hearted, almost performative, like improv. Lots of emojis and teasing each other about our eccentricities. It feels like flirting.

The only difference between this and other times I’ve flirted is I’m too afraid to ask her out or ask her anything super personal because I haven’t ever felt infatuated with someone so consistently for so long before, I’ve had plenty of crushes, quite a few relationships, but they’ve all subsided. Not this one.

It is true that I am hoping for the best case scenario, but I’m very good at picking up signs someone is not interested in me. I am hyper critical about it. I almost crave those signs so that I can breath a sigh of relief, but it feels like she’s trying to make me interested. Idk.

 

[Flash525]

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m a go too for “offloading” (which I have plenty experience with being that person) other than the quick comment about feeling mildly depressed, she hasn’t gone into her personal life and neither have I. No venting about life, no airing dirty laundry, it’s all been light hearted, almost performative, like improv. Lots of emojis and teasing each other about our eccentricities. It feels like flirting.

What about boredom then? If she doesn't come to you to offload, could it be that you're her go too for when she's bored with nothing else to do?

The only difference between this and other times I’ve flirted is I’m too afraid to ask her out or ask her anything super personal because I haven’t ever felt infatuated with someone so consistently for so long before, I’ve had plenty of crushes, quite a few relationships, but they’ve all subsided. Not this one.

It seems that you know what you need to do in this instance. Is she local? If she is, why don't you suggest a coffee meet? You'll at least then know about the actual vibe you give off, and the one she gives you. If she isn't, I would then pose the question to you; would you be comfortable (and trusting) of a distance relationship?

 

[Six]

What about boredom then? If she doesn't come to you to offload, could it be that you're her go too for when she's bored with nothing else to do?

I’m not her go too anything. She sent me a message in the middle of summer just saying “Hello” and nothing else, and since then I’ve had to initiate the conversations but she responds quickly and with a lot of enthusiasm every time. I know she’s an introvert as well, and judging from her past relationships, introverts are her type(the ones I know about both literally had INFP written on their pages, that’s my damn MBTI).
All my exes were hardcore extroverts so actually getting to know someone similar to myself is a learning curve for me, I’m not good at it.

It seems that you know what you need to do in this instance. Is she local? If she is, why don't you suggest a coffee meet? You'll at least then know about the actual vibe you give off, and the one she gives you. If she isn't, I would then pose the question to you; would you be comfortable (and trusting) of a distance relationship?

Same city. Last couple of times we’ve seen each other in person(it’s been a few years) we both sheepishly smiled, looked at the ground and fidgeted with whatever we had in our hands. Eye contact was like looking into the sun. I’d probably throw up on my phone if I sent a message asking her out. I don’t even want to think about how nervous I’d be on the way to meet her. I’d die probably.

 

[Erzengel]

I wouldn't consider me overly extroverted but I don't like wasting time either. She may just like the attention you are giving her or she may honestly like your friendship. I think you're okay with that because like you said, you have a thing for her but you'd also be settling.

 

[InCali]

I’m not her go too anything. She sent me a message in the middle of summer just saying “Hello” and nothing else, and since then I’ve had to initiate the conversations but she responds quickly and with a lot of enthusiasm every time. I know she’s an introvert as well, and judging from her past relationships, introverts are her type(the ones I know about both literally had INFP written on their pages, that’s my damn MBTI).
All my exes were hardcore extroverts so actually getting to know someone similar to myself is a learning curve for me, I’m not good at it.





Same city. Last couple of times we’ve seen each other in person(it’s been a few years) we both sheepishly smiled, looked at the ground and fidgeted with whatever we had in our hands. Eye contact was like looking into the sun. I’d probably throw up on my phone if I sent a message asking her out. I don’t even want to think about how nervous I’d be on the way to meet her. I’d die probably.

I also used to be painfully shy when I was much younger. Fortunately, I’ve gotten over that. If she is also shy, she may very well be going through the same thing you are. Ask her out and let her know you are interested. If you can’t do it in person, do it by text. Throwing up is a small price to pay. Lol. The worst that can happen is she says she just wants to be friends. If that’s the case, you now have a friend and a lot less anxiety.

Edit: being honest with someone will almost always work out best. It may seem difficult at the time, but, believe me, it beats carrying things around.

 

[Flash525]

Same city. Last couple of times we’ve seen each other in person(it’s been a few years) we both sheepishly smiled, looked at the ground and fidgeted with whatever we had in our hands. Eye contact was like looking into the sun. I’d probably throw up on my phone if I sent a message asking her out. I don’t even want to think about how nervous I’d be on the way to meet her. I’d die probably.

But if you don't ask her out, you're forever going to be in this conundrum about where you stand and why. You literally have nothing to lose by asking the question - at least nothing to lose that matters. If (worse case scenerio) she opts to ghost you, then she simply wasn't worth it in the first place.

The ball is in your court here mate. You like her. She appears to like you. Best case, you'll get a relationship out of this. Worse case, you'll know where you stand and you may not like it initially, but you'll get over it.

 

[MissMarvelous]

So ballsy.

 

[Wolvieboy17]

So, update on this. I have not asked her if she and ____ are still an item, because I am afraid of the answer, but I have tried as hard as I can to subtly line up opportunities for her to bring it up in conversation, but she never has, and it’s really feeling like a deliberate omission. We’ve talked quite a bit over the summer, she always responds very quickly, and just last week I messaged her drunkenly after getting home from the bar, not expecting her to respond that night, but we talked from 1 til around 5 am, and I was the one that had to bow out of the conversation for sleep. I’ve been getting flirting vibes from the conversations, but I also noticed her (ex?) boyfriend looked at my IG story even though I’ve never interacted with him, so I’m wondering if they’re exes but going the friend route? Or is she telling him I’m not a threat to the relationship? Why does he know about me? Does she even know he knows who I am? Why not mention him to me even once in the last 2 months? I’m willing to take it slow and just see what happens, but I’d appreciate some advice if this situation sounds familiar to anyone here.

Honestly, I would say the 1am to 5am is a pretty clear sign. Lots of long conversation doesn't necessarily mean there's romantic interest, but staying up that late is generally somewhat self destructive to a regular sleeping pattern and in my experience (having been on both sides of it) that only happens when there's some kind of interest at play.

As to the nature of that interest, unfortunately the only way to find out is to ask. But I would say, if you've been talking that long and intimately, you lose absolutely no face by just addressing it head on. It doesn't have to be as direct as asking her out, but being upfront with something like "Hey, I really enjoy talking to you these last few weeks/months" etc.

I think in these kinds of situation, when someone is sending a lot of signals but not being direct, the best way to find out how someone else is feeling is to put your own feelings out there. (Within moderation, use your better judgement on that etc). I think the main thing is, to do it in a respectful way since you don't know what her situation is exactly.

Let's say she's single and interested, then the ball is in her court to respond. If she's single but on the fence, well then she knows where you stand.

If she's still in a relationship, it honestly raises more questions, like why she is talking to another guy till 5 in the morning. In my experience, that's a sign that things aren't going well in her own relationship and she's desperate for an outlet or to be seen and perceived by another human being. That can sometimes lead to a relationship, sometimes not. But if that's the case, you have a right to know where you stand and what the situation is.

Apologies if this is a long ass response. I've been in situations like this before... Once as someone in your situation, and once as someone in a relationship. Take it from me, things can get very messy if you're not careful and don't protect yourself sufficiently. She might still be figuring out what she wants, so you don't want to put pressure on her but it's also important for you to let her know where you stand if you're feeling a little strung along by mixed signals?